iPaul

Jonny Love

2009-01-28T09:23:00.001Z

So this is Jonny Ives, Senior VP at Apple and the man responsible for designing the iPod, MacBook and more. He's so pretty! And british. And married :(

WHO?

2009-01-03T18:24:00.002Z

So Matt Smith (26) is the new Doctor Who. Shock! Gasp! I wonder what he will be like? He seems intense, deep, dark. I'm liking him already. Time will tell. Only a year to wait until he makes his debut.

Ho Ho Man-Ho

2008-12-23T18:35:00.001Z

Merry Christmas to you my loyal and lovely readers.

In 2009 I expect my blog to be updated infrequently, but hopefully with a bit more depth to it. I'm going to be working over the festive season to bring together all my various online presences under the one banner of www.monkeyinnovations.com which will be the gateway to my blog, Twitter feed, Photography sites and more.

In the meantime, here's a special seasonal photo of Phillip Olivier working out in a Jockstrap as featured in the Christmas issue of Attitude magazine. Just what you need to warm your cockles.

PICTURE THIS

2008-12-19T20:41:00.002Z

With Christmas fast approaching, cards being written and presents being wrapped... there's not a lot of time to write any more.

So, if a picture says a thousand words why not hop on over to my new daily photoblog www.monkey365.com

I've set myself an ambitious and challenging task of posting one new photo every day for the next year. I'm enjoying it so far, but there are still 350 to go!

Would love your comments and thoughts.

BON VOYAGE

2008-12-07T23:39:00.003Z

It's been a busy few days, what with turning 35 and everything. Not much time to blog, as there hasn't been for the last few weeks really.

Tomorrow we're off to Gran Canaria for a week of relaxation and laughter in the sun. When I come back, I need to decide what's happening with this blog.

In the meantime (well, not for the next week anyway) you can visit my new Daily Photoblog at www.monkey365.com It's my latest online venture: a photo a day for a whole year.

Laters.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2008-12-05T00:01:00.001Z

DECEMBER 4TH

2008-12-03T23:36:00.004Z

SYMBOLICALLY SARAH

2008-11-21T19:55:00.001Z

Freud and Jung together could not have come up with such appropriate symbolism as this. God bless you Sarah.

THE MADNESS CONTINUES

2008-11-19T16:55:00.002Z

Seriously? I wonder how soon it will be before I am asked to bring out my own calendar?

LIGHT UP

2008-11-17T21:43:00.003Z

I must have been a bit hormonal at the weekend, as Leona Lewis' performance on the X Factor had me blubbing like a little girl. I know it's not trendy to like Leona but I think she has one of the most amazing voices and performs with such natural elegance. She made the rest of the 'talent' look like Jordan & Peter at a karaoke night. None of the X Factorians this week really blew me away, even 'Princess' Diana did a bit of a honking version of Coldplay's "Yellow". Laryngitis or not, it did nothing for me. How anyone on the X Factor will ever manage to get out of Leona's shadow is anyones' guess, but hey ho it's entertainment on an otherwise dull Saturday evening. For those who missed it, here she is again. *sniff*

SQUEAL

2008-11-14T11:05:00.003Z

So after a heart stopping hour of crashed ticket websites, I finally managed to get great seats for Girls Aloud at the o2 on May 24th next year. Feels like a long way away! Very excited.

KILL YOUR BLOG!

2008-11-10T21:18:00.001Z

As you know, loyal readers, I'm a bit ambivalent about my blog at the moment. Other things seem to be taking a higher priority in my life, such as Flickr, Facebook and Twitter. So, Imagine my HORROR and surprise when I picked up a copy of Wired Magazing (Vogue for Nerds) and their cover story screamed KILL YOUR BLOG! The highlights are:

"Thinking about launching your own blog? Here's some friendly advice: Don't. And if you've already got one, pull the plug. Writing a weblog today isn't the bright idea it was four years ago. The blogosphere, once a freshwater oasis of folksy self-expression and clever thought, has been flooded by a tsunami of paid bilge. Cut-rate journalists and underground marketing campaigns now drown out the authentic voices of amateur wordsmiths. It's almost impossible to get noticed, except by hecklers. And why bother? The time it takes to craft sharp, witty blog prose is better spent expressing yourself on Flickr, Facebook, or Twitter."

Interesting. I am wondering what to do with my blog, and I have to say I enjoy the social interaction of Flickr, Facebook and Twitter much more. Writing blog posts sometimes feels like yodeling into a canyon.

So... should the blog be nurtured into a thriving forest of words, or do I take the Scorched Earth approach?

LETTER TO AMERICA

2008-11-04T06:52:00.004Z

Dear America,

Please don't balls it up again this time. You've had 2 chances already and look what happened. Do the right thing and vote for Mr Obama. He's a good guy with nice ideas. We could do with a bit of that for a change. Oh and if you're really shallow, he's quite good looking too.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi, hope you're doing ok. Do the right thing today.

Love,

The World

BOO!

2008-10-31T08:36:00.000Z

SUN, SKY AND SATANIC SLUTS

2008-10-30T08:23:00.006Z

Joss Stone at The Brits

Roseanne at The Superbowl

Julian Clary at The TV Awards.

Britney at The Hairdresser.

Oh how the world laughed when these idols fell off the pedestals we had so gracefully elevated them onto. It seems like 'celeb tipping' is the new Atkins. Everybody's doing it. Phillip Schofield gave Katona a shoulder swipe last week and has pretty much ruined her career, again. And yesterday saw the swift and lasting crucifixion of Russell Brand - a man who as far as I know has never promoted himself as anything but offensive. I've pretty much no idea what it's all about, other than it involves a lot of hot air being blown around but it has been fascinating over the last 24 hours to watch the celebrities being thrown to the lions. The fate of Ross is yet to be decided, but somehow I can't quite see the BBC let their golden boy fall on his sword.
Content of the 'issue' aside, it makes me ponder issues about the power of the press and news stations. While I see them as having a very simple function which is to report the news, increasingly they are influencing and shaping the news. Watch Sky News for anything longer than 15 minutes and you'll see how desperately they cling to a story, fanning the flames with a series of rabidly hysterical commentators. The Sun is no better. But we'll come to them later. While working in my little home office yesterday I had Sky News on in the other room for some background chatter. Their day started, like mine, a little slow and not very exciting. They were asking "Should Brand apologise?" which seemed fair enough. By mid-morning they were showing the interview with the Satanic Slut from the Satanic Sun who was asked the leading question "Should they lose their jobs?". Her hesitant "....errr yes" was turned into SACHS FAMILY SAYS SACK BRAND by Sky news within the hour. By lunchtime they had MP Nigel Evans saying Brand and Ross should be sacked. At the announcement of their suspension, it was the equivalent of driving a car into a bonfire. Rather than feeling satisfied and just, Sky asked "Should the BBC be held to account?" and invited ex-Sun editor Calvin McKenzie on to tell us all that "the entire structure and hierarchy of the BBC needed to be dismantled from top to bottom" because of this. Really? Seriously? But only 2 people complained about the Brand show when it was aired. It it hadn't been for all the media attention boosting that to 20,000 (still a minute number) nobody would care.

The Sky "news"reader almost spontaneously ejaculated when he heard they were going live to the home of Andrew Sachs, the innocent victim in this drama. Taking a leaf from the "Dick and Dom" school of interviews (see below), one particular journalist was determined to get his money shot. The interview went something like this...
Journo Scum: "How terrible are you feeling today?"
Sachs: "Ok actually"
Journo Scum: (Srsly? Oh..) "And how are you feeling about (menacing voice) Brand and Ross?"
Sachs: "Actually they have both written me lovely letters which I appreciate"
Journo: (shit) "Do you feel let down by the BBC?"
Sachs: "They are under a lot of pressure from competition, it's different from my days"
Journo: (Ha!) "So do you feel standards have slipped?"
Sachs: "No, standards have just changed"
Journo: (DESPERATE): "FOR THE WORSE??"
Sachs: "No, for the better in some cases"Journo: (OMFG!! NOOOO!) "So..... do you think they should apologise to your granddaughter"
Sachs: "Yes, I..."
Journo (WOO HOO) "Kthnxbai... and cut".
And then the next 'news bulletin' showed a heavily edited version where none of the positive bits were shown. It makes me crazy with anger!! The remaining player in this little drama is the Satanic Slut herself, Sach's Granddaughter. Within 24 hours The Sun have transformed her from innocent little wide-eyed victim girl to vampish sex mad temptress. Nice. Seems like she can say whatever she likes about Russell Brand with no fear of comeback. And funny how the Sun videos of her started out yesterday looking like this, shot on a mobile phone in someone's office:

to this.

I depair at times, when we are constantly told DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT SAYS by the media who then tell us what they want us to believe anyway. The news creates the news, and it hurts my head to think about what is true and what isn't. By yesterday evening when Russell Brand resigned from the BBC, there was no sign of this story losing momentum. I wonder how the original 2 complainants are feeling. I wonder how the Satanic Slut is feeling. I wonder if the head of Sky News or the editor of The Sun have any feelings?

YOUR NEW FAVOURITE WEBSITE

2008-10-28T20:36:00.003Z

Click Me

Watch this space

MEH.

2008-10-28T10:39:00.002Z

I'm bored of my blog! I'm not bored of blogging, but I think this particular blog has lost focus. It's trying to be all things to all people. I need a rethink. It's time to go off into a cave with some string and a whistle to see what I can come up with.

Bear with me. Genius demands patience.

We'll be right back, after this short break.

BRIDGE TO NOWHERE

2008-10-28T09:58:00.001Z

East Beach, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

I LOVE AUTUMN

2008-10-25T11:21:00.001+01:00

Sunset Trees, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

DOUBLE OH

2008-10-25T10:22:00.001+01:00

Does anyone else think this is the most beautifully shot, amazing tv advert ever? It gives me the chills!

L TO THE O TO THE L

2008-10-23T13:07:00.002+01:00

PRAISE BE

2008-10-23T13:06:00.000+01:00

SAVE US

2008-10-22T21:03:00.000+01:00

DOM-HEAD

2008-10-22T07:08:00.003+01:00

So the one from Dick & Dom who isn't Ant or Dec or Dick has appeared in the Sun today under one of those MY DRUGS SHAME headines. He was filmed, on a mobile phone, outside a nightclub while smoking a fag and being a bit pissed. Frankly, I don't care about him at all. I like Dick & Dom, but in the grand scheme of things he's fairly irrelevant. What REALLY annoys me is Citizen Manc-Lad Journalist who decides to use his crappy Nokia to turn this into a money making opportunity. Suddenly he becomes all Jeremy Kyle. It reminded me of the bit in Bridget Jones when she is talking to the police about her parents and finds herself using words like 'Caucasian'.

There's something about this Manc Scally's approach that just seems like he has been practising this in his head for a long time. Rather than taking the opportunity to innocently chat to this poor drunken mini-celeb, he decides to turn up the heat. "ARE YOU ON DRUGS?" he yells. No, says Dom, swaying. "WHY NOT" comes the next machine gun question. Apparently Dom has a heart condition and is not allowed to take drugs. Ask his Doctor. "SO IT'S NOT BECAUSE DRUGS ARE BAD (mmmkay)????" asks Parkinson. It's so obvious where it's all going. He's writing the headlines himself. Like watching a brain surgeon operate using a rusty spoon, our inquisitive scamp goes in for the kill with "WHO IS THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON YOU KNOW WHO TAKES DRUGS??????". Sadly, Dom does not say the Queen or Cilla Black or anyone at all, simply replying that actually he doesn't know that many famous people. Undterred, the killer blow comes in the form of "SO ARE YOU ACTUALLY FILMING AT THE MOMENT", as if that admission on its own would damn Dom into oblivion.

It's just all so sad. People seem so intent on exposing celebrities as scumbags that they fail to see the irony of themselves becoming said bags of scum simply by whipping out their phone. I hope the £50 that the "interviewer" made from the story is spent well, probably on Carlsberg or Sovereign rings. I wish Dom well for the future and hope nothing comes of this sordid little tale. But mate, keep your mouth shut next time.

OH PULEEEZE

2008-10-21T20:57:00.002+01:00

"In writing my memoirs I have made a great many observations about myself and my sister Madonna. I will not be commenting on her divorce as that is a private matter between her and Guy Richie and would consider any commentary on my part dishonourable and disrespectful"

Christopher Ciccone.

Oh, could someone tell Chris to bolt the stable door now please?

MEANWHILE ON PLANET X

2008-10-20T20:27:00.002+01:00

So, the X Factor then. What a circus it is this year. The live shows seem to be more about giving the judges an opportunity to bitch at each other rather than give any constructive feedback to the contestants. Not Cheryl, of course, she continues to be amazing and made me melt when she apologised to Daniel for knocking his confidence last week. She rocks and should one day be Queen.

As for the hopefuls, I'm kind of underwhelmed really. Diana should win, hands down. Other than that, there are a few who make me take notice, like Alexandra and Ruth, but the others are just a bit "meh". I still hate Austin with a passion, and am beginning to find Daniel really irritating. Rachael is disappointing. Scott is bland. Eieioghahn is weird.

Dannii continues to look hot, although she has told More magazine that the botox is being stopped because she needs to look like she means what she says! Yeah right. A Minogue without Botox is like......(send your answers on a postcard).

Still, I remain happily addicted and look forward to watching another hopeful have their dreams dashed next week.

A.K.A.

2008-10-19T01:31:00.004+01:00

Following on from my last posting, I thought these pictures could equally be used to show Jason Cowan's transformation.

Before:

After:

WHO?

2008-10-19T01:26:00.003+01:00

Cast your minds back, loyal readers, to Big Brother 2004. Remember Jason, the Scottish muscleman who went into the house wearing a thong? No? Here's a picture to jog your memory.

Yes, him. Now you may be forgiven for thinking that Jason has spent the last 4 years doing nothing, in obscurity. You would be wrong. R-O-N-GH. Jason has been in the gym. For 4 years. Now following in Goldenballs underpants, he's the latest model for EA.

Puts old Jeremy Edwards to shame doesn't it.

GLOBAL WARMING

2008-10-19T01:02:00.001+01:00

Southend Flickr Saturday Meetup 18 October 2008, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

What's going on with the weather? Today, in October, I was wandering around with a t-shirt on, feeling a bit warm. Is this Summer?

This afternoon I met up with a bunch of strangers and took photos of Southend Pier. It was great. I loved it. People who take photos rock.

See them all at www.flickr.com/photos/paulmonkeypaul

Madge divorce: Weight Loss Shock

2008-10-18T01:45:00.001+01:00

Madge divorce: Weight Loss Shock, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

HAPPY 2009

2008-10-13T09:59:00.002+01:00

This man refuses to vanish into obscurity. Wouldn't you feel a bit embarrassed when April 09 hits and you can't remember why you have this nobody on your wall? Calendars are obviously far too cheap to produce these days. Be off with you.

SUPERCYNDI

2008-10-13T08:39:00.002+01:00

Cyndi Lauper, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

So on Friday we headed oop north to Manchester for a night in a posh hotel and a concert by Cyndi Lauper. Most peoples' reaction to that was "is she still around", but hopefully faithful Monkey followers will know that I've been raving about her new album for almost 6 months. If you haven't bought it, do it now. Go on. Now. It's called Bring Ya To The Brink and it's everything that Madonna should have been doing for the last 5 years.

Concerts are something I do a lot, like a hobby. I tend to stick to fairly mainstream acts but am prepared to give most things a go. I am, however, beginning to appreciate that there are different perspectives on what makes someone a succesful artist or musician. Take Madonna for example. She's huge. Probably the biggest star in the world today in terms of longevity and popularity over time. Her concerts have been getting progressively larger in scale over recent years. Her Sticky & Sweet Tour which has just ended its European leg is her first stadium tour since 1993. She is playing to audiences of 100,000 people at a time, and charging up to £400 a ticket.

Cyndi on the other hand has not 'enjoyed' the same level of success as Madonna since the 80's. She has continued to make music albeit on a more personal level. Her last few albums have been a mixture of acoustic, rave and latin sounds which showcase her voice to its best effect. Her concert last night at Machester's Bridgewater Hall was a small intimate affair with a few hundred people in the audience. £35 for 5th row tickets. So who is more succesful?

While Madonna seems to be intent on putting as much distance (physical and emotional) between her and her fans as humanly possible, Cyndi takes a different path. For several of the songs she jumped off the stage and actually sat with the audience, kicking people out of their seats and getting down with her fans. She made it her job to connect with us, and she did it with style. She wore her heart on her sleeve and for the first time in my life made me cry during a concert! The only time Madonna came close to that was when we realised how much we had paid for awful seats.

To me, success is not about scale any more. It's not about how many stadiums you can fill and how much you can charge for a ticket. It's not about how many dates you play and how many people sleep on the streets for the best seats. In the days of digital downloads and at a time when MTV no longer plays music on its main channel, it's more important than ever for musicians and performers to touch us with their human side. Soon we'll have robots in our homes. We don't need them on our stages.

Cyndi, I salute you. The show ranks up there as one of the best gigs I've ever been to, and reminds me of how music can lift you up, throw you around, break your heart and make it better again.

There are still opportunities to see her in the UK and Europe over the next couple of months. Run, don't walk.

UPDATE: The Guardian interviews Cyndi here

GO GLORIA

2008-10-09T14:46:00.003+01:00

All round amazing person and brilliant feminist writer Gloria Steinem has written this stonker about Sarah Palin. She says it better than I ever could!! Clone her.

"This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It's about baking a new pie.

Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that
Barack Obama's still does.

To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, "Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs."

IT'S BRITNEY YOU BITCHES

2008-10-08T22:07:00.002+01:00

While I'm not overly over the moon about Britney's new single, Womanizer, I have to admit I am very excited about her 'comeback'. Yes it's only been a year since her last album but a year is a long time in pop, particularly when there's a meltdown involved. So good on you Britney for bouncing back looking amazing and ready to party again. Maybe this year stay away from the hair clippers.

Oh and as soon as she announces tour dates I am so there!

HONEY TO THE B-LIST

2008-10-07T21:16:00.002+01:00

I'm still completely addicted to the X Factor and can't wait for the first live show this Saturday. Yes, I know it's sad but I don't care. I love it. Possibly my favourite part of the whole series happened on Sunday night at the end of the second show. The final twelve were revealed and we got to see their new 'glamour shots'. Those little indent sections of people pouting and throwing their heads back. It shows how styled everyone gets for the live episodes, and I can't get enough!

However there is a fly in my X Factor ointment. And it's name is Austin. I couldn't believe he got through ahead of Mali and the northernmunki one with foster parents. There's something about Austin that's just makes me want to shout WEASEL at the screen. The man is a complete fame-whore. I can't believe that nobody has mentioned the fact that "Austin" once went under the name of "Chloe" in the supershit reality show Boys Will Be Girls. In said show, Nathan from Brother Beyond got a group of boys together and tried to pass them off as a girl group. Paging Dr Freud. Need to refresh your memory? Click it and weep.

IS IT TUESDAY ALREADY?

2008-10-07T21:05:00.003+01:00

Is it just me or does time seem to be flying by at the moment? The days seem shorter, punctuated by ever expanding darkness at either end. Getting up feels so much more difficult when the duvet is warm and the room is cold. I feel like I've just got a constant 'to do' list at the moment both at work and home. My 'work' inbox today topped 500 emails for the first time in a while. Inbox Zero doesn't seem to be working!! I noticed today that I've been going about my daily business for the last week with a sense of normality, like everything is ok again. But actually it takes a day like today to make me realise I'm still kind of pretending that everything is ok, and that inside I still feel all over the place from time to time. Grief is such a bizarre thing. I've never known anything like it really. But I take comfort in having an amazing Mr Monkey to help me make sense of things, and fantastic friends who are at the end of a phone, email or cuddle. If you are reading this and fall into that category, thank you.

And for those of you who still can't make out that Photoshopped face below, it's none other than Christina 'Xtina' Aguilera. Seriously! How sad that a successful young woman is presented to the world in such a manipulated way.

Anyway, back to the inbox........

Huh?

2008-10-02T12:58:00.000+01:00

Can anyone actually guess who this is? Someone has gone a little over the top with Photoshop.

ONE FOR PIXIECOLA

2008-10-02T10:49:00.000+01:00

How about this for Christmas?

5 THINGS I LEARNED TODAY

2008-09-29T19:57:00.002+01:00

Until today, I didn't know that...

1. The world financial crisis is going to get a hell of a whole lot worse before it gets better. Like really bad. As in, so glad we didn't buy a house.

2. Nadine from Girls Aloud lives permanently in LA where she runs a candle shop. Srsly.

3. Posh has totally jumped the shark by wearing 'those' shoes

4. The woman who does Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live is actually better than the real thing, especially when she goes 'pew pew' and makes gun shapes with her fingers.

5. Apparently the number one film that most men cry at is ET. Strangely enough, number eight is Babe.

So does that mean I don't have to learn anything for the next 4 days?

MELT RIGHT NOW

2008-09-27T09:58:00.001+01:00

A little bit of Will for you....

SUDDENLY SARAH

2008-09-26T20:34:00.002+01:00

I won't be awake to watch the US Presidential Debate Live but I'm recording it and will be watching it first thing in the morning. I can't get enough of this shindig! From the outset I have to say that if I were American I would be all over Obama like a rash and he would absolutely get my vote, but there's a curveball being thrown by the Republicans. Mrs Palin. The lipstick pitbull. If she loses, and I hope she does, I could guarantee she would have a career on the Drag Queen circuit. She's fierce! Not bad on the eye either.

I finally got round to listening to the Republican Convention speeches (always good to hear both sides) and after getting through the awful drudge from Mr & Mrs Bush - don't let the door hit you on the way out - along came Governor Palin. She gave a barnstorming speech which made me seriously concerned for the election result. She was funny, intelligent, powerful. I felt a great deal of admiration for her as a speaker, if not for her choice in childrens' names (Trig? Track?? Bristol??? WTF). She is a stunningly clever choice for the Republicans. A 'hockey mom' with balls. She can be seen as the bad cop to John McCain's "I'm not a Bush" campaign stance. He, by the way, came across as a decent enough bloke but regardless of that he still shouldn't win.

Thankfully, Sarah Palin gave an absolute clunker of an interview on CNN which you can watch below. All my fears were blown away. Turns out she's actually just really good at reading an autocue, and kind of falls apart when independent thought is required. Oh well, there's always Friday nights at Duckie.

WILL YUM

2008-09-25T23:26:00.001+01:00

Will Young, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

So tonight was the launch of Will Young's new album with an intimate little show at Cadogan Hall in London. Really nice venue, apparently home to the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Bit of a different crowd in there tonight I would imagine. My stereotypes were challenged by the fact the audience was 95% women in their 40s. We had fantastic seats, Row A, although I was disappointed that Row A isn't the first row. For some reason it went AA-DD then A. Anyway, we had a brilliant view and managed to get some nice photos.

Will was his usual lovely, charming, self-deprecating self. It's hard to believe that he's actually one of those Reality TV alumni. Did someone say Alex Parks? If tonight is anything to go by, his 4th album which comes out on Monday is a very grown up, moody affair. I can't wait!

A very pleasant evening indeed.

OK LET'S GO THERE

2008-09-25T17:47:00.001+01:00

I haven't blogged (publicly) for a while as my head and thoughts have

been elsewhere. Commenting on the latest Jordan v Kerry has seemed a

bit trivial over the last month. I have questioned and re-questioned

whether or not I should use the blog to talk about what's been going

on in my life. After all, if I met George Michael in a toilet with a

bag of crack it would probably be on my blog before you could hear the

police sirens. But since the first of September (now to be known in my

head as a personal 9/1) my thoughts have remained private.

I've actually written loads. Pages and pages of free association,

analysis and reflection. It's been a helpful process to regain some

order in a chaotic brain. But now, almost a month on, I feel like it's

time to go public. To 'come out' and say hello my name is Paul and I'm

a demi-orphan.

When I found out on 9/1 that my Mum had died, the world went into slow

motion and all I could hear was my heart beating loudly in both ears.

In the short time between now and then, much has happened. The beating

is sometimes still there, loud and distracting, but it is slowly being

replaced by a sense of calmness and reflection.

I don't know why it works like this, but losing a parent has made me

feel really grown up. When I was 17, I left Aberdeen for the bright

lights of London. In the years that passed I thought I had become an

adult, but it was only when I left Aberdeen again 17 years later,

following my Mum's funeral, that I felt I was a man. I know that us

men tend to stay in our childhoods for most of our lives, so I can

take a bit of comfort in knowing that the little me is still in there!

I'm not suggesting for a second that my blog is going to turn into

some depressing confessional, but recently I've been wishing that

someone could just give me a manual on how to feel and what's on the

horizon. Maybe by sharing some of my own experiences I can start

writing that manual.

My tip for today actually came from a discussion I had with a GP at a

conference yesterday. I had never met him and probably never will

again, but for some reason he said something which felt really

profound and meaningful. He was talking about the best way to deal

with various types of patients and out of the blue picked the example

of someone who is grieving and struggling with it. He said that while

those patients often feel like they are being sucked down into a black

hole, he finds it helpful to rather describe it as being in a tunnel

where the light at the end is a bit distant and hard to see. Writing

it down makes it sound a bit trite, but it helped me to understand

that this is a process. A journey, not a destination. I've only just

come to the realization that loss isn't like flu. I'm not going to

wake up one morning cured of these feelings. It's more of a long term

condition that has to be managed so that it doesn't impact too much on

your daily life.

Anyway, now that's out of the way I can start getting back to

celebrity gossip. We all need a bit of light relief between the

profound moments.

BACK IN THE ROOM

2008-09-20T08:23:00.004+01:00

And we're back, with 2 burning questions. Both of which are "Why?"

First, one of the Monkees gets his Bubbles Devere boobs out.

And then David Blaine decides to hang upside down from a building for a few days.

Honestly. I turn my back for 2 weeks and the world goes mad. Best we sort that out then!

THANK YOU

2008-09-08T23:46:00.003+01:00

To everyone who in the last seven days has said

....hello / thinking of you / so sorry / what can I do / call me any time / it will get better / don't know what to say / sending you love....

every single word helped.

A LITTLE TRIBUTE

2008-09-08T23:08:00.002+01:00

xxx

OUTDONE

2008-09-01T21:06:00.001+01:00

So this weekend we had an X-Factor double bill, having not caught up from our Cardiff excursion. It's a strange thing watching 2 in a row. It becomes kind of hypnotic, but also you can see the formula at 100 paces. Still, it makes for good blogging and if there's one good blog about X Factor it's THE BITCH FACTOR which not only makes me Laugh Out Loud but also pretty much puts me out of a job because I'll never say anything about the X Factor funnier than they will. You have to check it out.

Here's a snippet, describing the preview for an upcoming episode:

"Next week: scary woman, another scary woman, another scary woman, crying woman, scary man, another crying woman, toothless old woman with a ladyboner for Louis, some woman who I'm guessing doesn't understand what "stupefied" means."

I have been wandering around work today trying (and failing) to stop smirking about the term 'ladyboner'. I can't wait to use it in conversation.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL

2008-09-01T20:48:00.003+01:00

I'm absolutely loving the race to the White House and wish our politics in the UK was as exciting. From Hillary's "I'm in" to Obama's "Can we fix it", it's all jolly entertaining. I'm also enjoying the fact that the Republican VP candidate who is a complete nazi bitch with a 'not even after rape' policy on abortion has just had to announce the pregnancy of her 17 year old unmarried daughter. Tee hee. There are already rumours that her fifth child is actually secretly her grandchild, so I'm going to watch this one unfold with much glee.

Even if US politics doesn't interest you, I'd recommend listening to a selection of the speeches made last week at the Democrat convention. They are all free on iTunes and you can choose from Michelle Obama (brought a tear to my eye), Hillary (should have won), Bill Clinton (so cool) and the man himself B-Ob (sadly a bit disappointing at first but once warmed up got me all goosepimply).

The next couple of months will probably get unbearably schmaltzy, but hey it's better than "Yes Darling" going on about how shit life is going to be for us all and there's nothing we can do about it. I'd rather hear speeches about hopes and dreams any day.

HERE THEY COME

2008-08-31T18:55:00.001+01:00

Who is this strange woman looking like a cross between Mariah and Photoshopped drag queen? Why it's loser Niki from X Factor 2007. You know, the dinner lady with the foghorn voice who sang Hot Stuff and made Celine Dion cry. Or something like that. Anyway I'm not interested in giving her crap single any attention but merely pointing out the start of Ex-X-Factor season. For tis the time of year when losers bring out rubbish in order to coast along the wake of another series of 'hopefuls'. For every Leona there will be a Steve Brookstein. For Will Young there's a Niki. I wonder if that skanky girl group from last year, Hope, will attempt to be the new Girls Aloud?

Keep an eye out for other losers. First person to spot one wins a copy of Andy Abraham's greatest hits.

BACK ON THE GRUEL AGAIN

2008-08-31T18:43:00.001+01:00

Cupcake Thief, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

So there are only 3 full months left until we go to Gran Canaria. Great if you are looking forward to sun, fun and relaxation but not so fantastic when those skimpy little trunks from 2 years ago strain and scream at the thought of your thighs being crammed in.

So, here we go again. It's time to face the music.

Once again it's back to healthy eating. No more junk. Say it with me! No more junk! God it's so hard. Maybe I should just start smoking again. Cafes like Stop The World in Leigh will have to be shut down for the next 3 months. Their Millionaire Shortbread is made by St Peter. Starbucks will have to ban me. Waitrose will have to declare their bakery section out of bounds.

Still it's been fun while it lasted. My red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting were fucking amazing yesterday. I shall miss them.

CR3D1B1L1T3 0

2008-08-30T09:48:00.002+01:00

Poor Posh. Someone must have thought it was really funny to present her with a personalised plate, but she does look a bit like the next advert for Churchill. Oh yes.

STORM IN A TEACUP

2008-08-29T10:48:00.001+01:00

Why not read through the statements below to see if any of them relate to you?

Have you ever tried to control or cut down the amount of sex you have?
Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't want to have sex with?
Do you need a sexual relationship to make your life bearable?
Do you become anxious or even desperate when you are away from your partner?
Do you engage in sexual practices that bring you discomfort or pain?
Do you feel that life would be meaningless without a sexual relationship?
Do you spend a lot of time thinking about sex?
Do you feel uncomfortable about masturbation?
Have ever had an important relationship ruined through affairs etc?
Are you unable to concentrate on other aspects of your life because of thoughts of sex?
Do you feel that you lack dignity and completeness?
Would your quality of life improve if you were not so driven by sex and romance?

David Duchovny apparently said "Yes" to more than one of those statements and has checked himself into rehab for voluntary treatment of Sex Addiction.

It's such a cool thing to suffer from isn't it. On the scale of cool addictions, it's probably up there at the top. Drug addiction is a mixed bag, cool if it's Kate Moss and not if it's Pete Doherty. Alcohol addiction is just grubby. But to be a Sex Addict? That's practically a badge of honour.

Good luck with rehab Dave. If you fancy a relapse give me a call.

QUESTION

2008-08-26T23:04:00.001+01:00

Why is it that Big Brother producers will whisk someone out of the house faster than a speeding bullet for using "the N word" apparently without malice, yet when a contestant calls another one a slut and an ugly bitch to her face, it's ok?

Curious.

HURLING SHOES AT CLOUDS

2008-08-26T20:04:00.001+01:00

I notice more and more these days not just how much of my time is spent online, but also how much of my life I am prepared and willing to promote on various websites and fora (forums? I never know). Whether its daily gossipy messages on Facebook, showing the world the contents of my living room on Flickr, or listing every banal detail of my day on Twitter (entry from Saturday: I met a man at a party who makes anatomically correct genitals out of balloons) there really is no limit to what I put ‘out there’. But of course, there is. Everything is chosen, un-chosen, plucked, slapped and airbrushed. I have complete control over what I choose to share or not. However, once it’s out there all kinds of things happen. People comment! They say things! Mostly nice things but sometimes bonkers things. YouTube seems to be a prime candidate for bonkers things.

Take this comment someone left on one of my Westlife concert videos: "lol mark went wrong. lol!!!! he said im the sunshine which is the other verse. and then shane and him looked at each other. hahahaha". Seriously.

And this from one of my clips of Madonna’s concert at the weekend: "She completely encourged the new Cold War by the ideological way. As an international peace keeper, I completely opposite her STUPID opinion and provoking behavior for different cultures and human beings in the earth, though I was her fan at past. By the way, why doesn't she dare to shame Russian?" Quite.

Harmless fun. However, what happens when people get personal. What happens when a faceless font makes your blood boil?

I’m currently cyber-wrestling with a particular, let’s call him, “troll” on a certain singer’s forum, and it’s doing my head in. It’s nothing important really and I am trying to rationalise it in my head and use my braincells more productively rather than trying to come up with interesting ways to boil this man’s head. The basic premise is, after attending a ‘certain’ concert at the weekend, I posted a message on a forum saying pretty much what I’m about to say in the next post here. It was what I considered to be a pretty balanced review, coming from a slightly disappointed punter. It’s my opinion. Feelings, not facts. Mr Troll decided to reply in what I can only describe as shrieking tones, saying how wrong I was and that nobody should listen and that this was the best show ever OMG it wuz amaaaaazin LOLZ !!!one!! etc. Think “leave Britney alone” but from a man slightly more orange. I’m glad he enjoyed the show and that it made such an impact. It’s kind of how I wish I felt about it really. But his complete lack of ability to see anything from anyone elses’ point of view has wound me up good and proper. Other people who shared my view are similarly castrated with his cutting quips. He has started to leave lines and lines of text that just says “bleat bleat bleat” to anyone who disagrees with his opinion.

I’m getting overexcited again, and starting to come up with inventive ways to use him in a recipe, so let’s get back to the point.

For every lovely person out there who interacts with me online (you know who you are, thank you!) there are others who are going to be complete arseholes. I just need to accept it. Whether it’s an online forum, a blog, a comment on a YouTube video, I have to just accept that people say things for their benefit, not mine. It’s a one way conversation. It’s the equivalent of a drive-by shouting. As I usually do in my head, I now publicly leave it to Charlie Brooker to describe so eloquently the concept I have clumsily been trying to describe. I take some comfort knowing that it’s not just me who rages at the machine.

“There's no point debating anything online. You might as well hurl shoes in the air to knock clouds from the sky. The internet's perfect for all manner of things, but productive discussion ain't one of them. It provides scant room for debate and infinite opportunities for fruitless point-scoring: the heady combination of perceived anonymity, gestated responses, random heckling and a notional "live audience" quickly conspire to create a "perfect storm" of perpetual bickering.”

Thanks for listening, and for your kind comments J

REVIEW: MADONNA LIVE

2008-08-24T03:13:00.001+01:00

Give it 2 Me, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

My in depth review of Madonna's Sticky & Sweet Tour 2008, opening night at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium.

"Ok."

IT'S BRITNEY, BITCHES

2008-08-21T21:16:00.004+01:00

I feel really bad for posting this, because it's probably bad karma or something but I justified it by saying at least it's not a mocking post about Kerry Katona's bankruptcy.

Anyway, some clever dick has managed to take concert footage of Britney and isolate her live feed from the mixing desk. Guess what? It's not good. Poor Britney.

So, and I say it with a heavy heart, here she is in all her glory. Or not.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

DON'T MESS WITH HER

2008-08-21T09:15:00.001+01:00

I absolutely love Roseanne, she's mad as a box of frogs. I particularly like the fact that she still has an outlet, through her blog, to speak her mind and comment on the injust and insane. Have a look at roseanneworld.com to read her latest battle of words with John Voight which is turning really nasty. He must have a big pair of balls to take on Roseanne. She's always been one of my favourite celebrities, and her autobiography "My Lives" is a book I would happily buy for every one of my friends and family to read. Far from being mad, Roseanne is insightful, cutting and obviously a very funny and talented writer. I was lucky to see her doing live stand up a couple of years ago, and while there's a sense of bitterness in her after the American public and media fell out of love with Roseanne, nobody can doubt the impact she has had on not just popular culture but the role of women in comedy altogether.

So Roseanne, keep on writing and keep on shaking things up. And if you would like to go on tour again I'd happily put some ticket money your way!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

2008-08-21T08:29:00.001+01:00

Exactly who is paying for all of Gary Glitter's flights, and is he collecting air miles?

INSIDE HEAVEN

2008-08-20T21:06:00.001+01:00

So a guy from Hull gets his new iPhone home and switches it on for the first time. After the general feeling of amazement wears off, he looks through the settings and notices that there are already some photos saved in his library. Some cheeky chappies in China thought it would be a bit of a laugh to take some snaps of each other as a little welcome gift.

So cool. Ok, so she is totally fired, but what a way to go. Global fame for her, and a sneaky peek into the world of iPhone assembly for the rest of us. I think that's what they call win-win.

Oh, and if there's a job going....

WORSHIP HIM

2008-08-20T20:57:00.001+01:00

One of my favourite little webhaunts is the blog of Hugh Macleod, best known for his cartoons on the back of a business card. They cover various genres from satirical, technological, observational and sometimes just plain rude / emotional. You should check him out at www.gapingvoid.com and spread the word about his brilliant work. I would love him to doodle on the back of my business card!

MONKEY HEARTS WY

2008-08-19T21:03:00.002+01:00

Future husband Will Young has been out of the limelight for a while, and thankfully he's back back back with a pretty cool song and a moody video. Good points about the song are that he sounds mature, confident and sexy. Good points about the video are that he gets his top off and there is a cow in a petrol station.

Enjoy!

RELIGHT MY FIRE

2008-08-18T15:07:00.001+01:00

I've tried to resist talking about smoking on the blog, as I realise just how difficult it is for an ex-smoker to ever have anything unbiased to say about it. I'm now almost 11 months fag free, and while I occasionally miss it and despite the extra spare tyre, I really can't imagine ever going back to it. But, if I was told I had a terminal disease would I just think to hell with it and rush out for a pack of Marlboro? It's a tempting thought. With distance and clarity from cigarettes I can see how absolutely absurd the whole thing is, but if I knew I had nothing to lose I might just spark up for old times sake. So I kind of feel a bit sorry for Patrick Swayze getting a bashing in the press for smoking while he's battling pancreatic cancer. Yes so he's probably not helping himself by doing it, but who are we to judge what he does with his life. If I were him right now, the only thing I'd be doing is making an appointment for a bit of botox. Rugged is fine, but what exactly is that between his eyebrows? Is he sponsored by Mercedes? Lots of positive wishes for him and his recovery. Negative press is hardly helpful is it!

GRATUITOUS GORDON RAMSAY PHOTO

2008-08-17T23:24:00.000+01:00

...sorry Rich.

XBLOG WEEK 1

2008-08-16T23:31:00.001+01:00

The start of another series of X Factor makes me think one thing. Christmas is coming. The onslaught of Auditions, Boot Camp, Live Shows, Semi-Final, Final, Xtra Factor, Xtrafactor+1 and all the various publicity stunts along the way all leads to one thing. Christmas number one. So watching week 1 was a distracting experience because in my head I was starting my xmas card list and wondering what to wear for xmas dinner. Anyway, the show must go on.

First off, how much are we loving Cheryl Cole? Way much. Not only is she stunningly pretty but she also seems 'real' and genuinely nice. My only complaint is that I couldn't keep up with all her changing hairstyles and amazing outfits. I felt like an autistic kid being forced to watch fireworks on LSD. Cheryl worringly manages to make Dannii look chunky and probably has far too much hair, but we can forgive her for that. Or anything. Dannii spent episode 1 looking like she had conjuntivitis and there was no explanation for her mysteriously late arrival to one of the auditions. Why even mention it? It's not like the show is edited in a way that we can keep track with which audition is happening in chronological order.

I know the X Factor is awful, and I totally agreed with Ricky Gervais when he wrote that amazing speech in Extras that talked about how entertainment has reached the depths of parading morons in front of millionaires to be humiliated in front of millions. And on an ethical level I totally agree. But somehow this week there managed to be an element of real pathos when one of Cheryl's ex auditionees showed her how far she had come and how little he had moved on. Ok it was probably all set up and the producers were probably only able to convince him to do it if he got a story in Hello next week, but at the time it was moving. Cheryl must have counted her blessings and hugged her rich footballer husband a little tighter that night.

Anyway, the auditions are just a freakshow and for the next few weeks we'll be subjected to many more sob stories like the 13 years old mother with 5 children (which is going to be a hard one to top). Lame Award this week has to go to the 16 year old from Bridgend who had a bit of Coldplay in the background because she comes from a place where a few teenagers killed themselves. And? I come from the place Annie Lennox was born but it doesn't mean I can sing Sweet Dreams without the neighbours checking for lawnmowered cats.

Other points of interest this week: Have Simon's lips got thinner? When will Dermot do the decent thing and shave his head? Why did the crowd in Wales sound like they were saying "Wales has scotch eggs faster", and just how bloody ridiculous was it to fill the o2 arena with auditionees? That place holds 23,000 people. Even if each audition lasted 30 seconds it would take 49.62 days to get through everyone.

Suggestions are required for the X-Factor Drinking Game. I'm going to start it off with 2 fingers for every time Dannii does an exaggerated "Wooooooahhhwwww" scream thing.

BIRTHDAY, CELEBRATE, BE SO NICE

2008-08-16T10:31:00.002+01:00

DaysToAmaze.Com has a list of unforgettable birthday gifts for someone turning 50 that include feeding Lemurs, a session of hypnotherapy or a sterling silver Love Heart. Somehow I doubt whether a certain 50 year old is today unwrapping any of those experiences. Yes ladies and gents, Lady Madonna turns 50 today so with a big party hooter and a handful of jabby plastic confetti let's celebrate this momentus day.

Love or hate sentences that start with love or hate, nobody can deny Madonna's influence on the last couple of pop culture decades. Sadly, that influence seems to have waned in recent years and she is starting to become a bit of a curiosity rather than a musician. 80s album sales of 24 million now hover round the 1 million mark, which in todays market is ok but nothing to base a legacy on. However, it's easy to start shooting in her particular barrel. Let's not forget that fact that the woman has sold a hundred million more albums than I ever will, and inspired countless people around the world. Like me. I can honestly say Madonna changed my life (and not in a Jerry Springer way) when at the age of 1 I hopped on a plane from Aberdeen to London and saw the Blond Ambition Tour at Wembley Stadium. It was my first ever visit to London and within a year I had moved there for good. I have a nagging feeling that without Blond Ambition I might still be living in Scotland right now.

So let's raise a glass of Kaballah water and toast a true legend. Now, Madonna, you better live up to that status next weekend in Cardiff. Happy Birthday Madge!

X FACTOR

2008-08-16T10:23:00.002+01:00

In case like me you are over 15, you may have missed the fact that Channel 4 have now launched their own music channel, 4music. How many channels do they need? Between C4, E4, More4, E4+1, 4Music -3+4... it's all a little confusing. So in that confusion you may have not realised that they launched the channel with an exclusive showing of Kylie's X2008 Tour from the O2 arena. And after seeing it for a second time, it just reconfirms everything I thought when I saw it live. Kylie rocks! I know it's not cool to like Kylie, and that she has a patchy history of good / bad moments but if there are any doubters or fence sitters out there, check out the concert. It's repeated again on Channel 4 (and therefore Channel4 HD and Channel 4+1) on August 24th. Check local listings for details.

Even though they have chopped several songs, it's 2 hours well spent in good company. As I said before, and I'll say again, Madonna's £150 stadium ticket (next week!) better blow the socks off Kylie's £50 second row 2 hour show. But I'm not sure it will.....

ANGRY FROM SHOEBURY

2008-08-15T18:47:00.001+01:00

I'm getting to be quite an expert at writing letters of complaint. I am gobsmacked at the fact that pretty much all but 2 of the companies involved in our house move have let us down in some way. It's one of those times when you realise that as consumers we probably put up with bad service occasionally, but then when it all happens at the same time something clicks and you think ahhh. Not good enough UK Plc. Without going into too much ranty detail, here are some of the companies who really do need to try harder:

Royal Mail
Mail redirection set up 3 weeks before we moved, kicking in on moving day. Two weeks after moving day, mail is still going to old address. Three calls to customer services so far. No positive resolution in sight. Angry email sent today.

BT
Eventually came good after involving an insider friend and angry emails to the Chief Exec on the hour every hour for 3 days. Shame it took 3 weeks of stress, confusion and terrible service to get us to the point of someone listening. Orders cancelled, services delayed, and we weren't even customers at the time!

The Pier
Lovely furniture shop, terrible systems. Ordered bedroom furniture a week before we moved. Three weeks later, wrong stuff arrives. Still sitting here, unopened, waiting to be collected. Delivery of correct furniture still to be confirmed. Fail.

Virgin Media
When asking them to collect their cable equipment at a time that was good for me, I felt like I was asking the customer services rep to eat the contents of his rectum. Eventually, after replying to every statement he made with a simple "no" and threatening with formal complaint, they agreed to collect at a time that was suitable for me, not them. Why not just do that in the first place?

Southend Council
E-Gov hasn't quite caught on. Filling in their online change of details form for council tax resulted in a snotty email from a "Miss Jones" telling me I had done it too early and would need to phone them and do it all again in 2 weeks time. An even snottier reply from me resulted in an apology and positive outcome. Take that, Miss Jones.

DVLA
Option 1: Fill in bottom of driving licence and send back for change of address. Option 2, do it all online and save time. WRONG. Option 2 took 35 minutes to complete after having to register details several times and give evidence of identity via passport agency. Last page: Thanks for your details, now please fill in the bottom of your licence and send it back. What?? File that one under pointless waste of time.

So you get my drift. It's no wonder moving house is so stressful when day after day you have to battle muppet after muppet trying to make things complicated. What I've really come to learn over the last few weeks is that you never really deal with a company, just an individual. That one person can either make things better or make things worse. They never have no impact. It's sad that the people entrusted with the reputation and power of customer services are usually the ones paid and treated worst in the organisation. Memo to Chief Execs: it shows.

But just to balance things out I want to give massive thumbs up to two companies. Monarch Removals were like ninjas in purple t-shirts and moved the whole house for us in less than 3 hours. Their professionalism and efforts were completely amazing. Sky TV were also brilliant, even faced with an 'unconventional' installation the engineer stood out in the rain and wouldn't give up until everything worked. Those 2 companies are literally the only ones who gave us flawless service during the move.

It's bloody exhausting trying to give companies your money! Some of them obviously just don't want it. Oh and if I ever say I'm moving house again, shoot me.

WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING

2008-08-14T20:39:00.002+01:00

I resisted buying Christopher Ciccone's "Life with my sister Madonna" partly because I knew it would be trash but also because I don't really find time to sit down and read books any more. However, as soon as I saw it had been released as an audiobook I was downloading it faster than a vicious insult from a scorned family member. At only 5 hours long it's not exactly Lord of the Rings (although that could be an alternative title fnar fnar) so I managed to get through it in two return journeys to work. My verdict? Hold out your right hand and waggle your thumb and pinky. That's the one. Mediocre. Borderline (ha ha). It's written in a strange style, almost like a journal but in present tense so everything is 'I am' and 'I say' which makes it kind of difficult to follow when it's being read by Christopher himself. He has a low, growly voice which is really monotonous and pretty hard to get excited about.

What did I learn? About Madonna, not much. It pretty much confirms everything that people believe anyway: she's a control freak, she exploits people, she has used people to get where she is. Ok. Next. The allegations of Guy Richie's rampant homophobia are shocking but not surprising. The two things that shocked me most of all about the book were kind of nothing to do with Madonna really. One was that no matter how badly he is treated by her, Christopher always forgives her and goes back for more, then complains that he went back for more. Victim. He throws scorn on Madonna for surrounding herself with sycophants and yes-men, while simultaneously saying "I go to see Dick Tracy. It's awful and Madonna is terrible in it but I tell her I love it and she's great because that's what she wants to hear". Right.

However, the thing I will remember most about the book and my absolute favourite revelation is about Donatella Versace. Apparently, her Marlboros come directly from the factory in customised, Versace designed fag packets. Smoking Kills is replaced with a stylised DV logo. Brilliant!! It just says so much about the totally crazy and nonsensical world inhabited by celebrities.

In the UK we tend to forget that American celebrities are a breed of their own. They only mingle with each other and they only go out with each other. That's why it's such a scandal when Britney shags a nobody. How many other US Celeb couples can you name who aren't both famous? Its almost surreal when Christopher talks about Naomi, Demi, Sting, Kate, Gwyneth, Courtney... like no real people ever come into his sightlines. I guess that's probably why he felt, and still feels, like such an outsider.

I feel a bit sorry for him not just because he is so broke that a 'tell all' book is his only option, but that the tell-all book has actually already been told before, by people who say it so much better.

CASH IN BEFORE THE REAPER STRIKES

2008-08-14T19:33:00.001+01:00

Nice fluffy story of the day goes to the cast of Dallas who are reuniting for a 30th anniversary party which will be open to the public. Awww bless them. There are 2 things I learned from this story. One is that Larry 'JR' Hagman is 76 years old (I know!!) and the other is that a film version of Dallas is in production, with John Travolta as JR and Shirley MacLaine as Miss Ellie! OMG! Why have I not heard about this before?? Delving deeper into the trivia, and wondering how Shirley MacLaine could possibly pass herself off as John Travolta's mother, I was shocked to find out that she is 72! Amazing. Maybe I'm being a bit age sensitive today, with yet another round of A level results reminding me I'm not a teenager any more. In fact, it was 17 years - or exactly 50% of my life - ago that I was opening that very same envelope.

So, good luck to the Dallas alumni and may they live to celebrate many more anniversaries. I'm pleased to be old enough to remember the show at the height of its popularity and before it jumped the shark.

GIMME LESS

2008-08-14T07:21:00.001+01:00

Britney on her new album: "I think it's more urban". Oh good. Just what the world needs.

STOP THE MADNESS

2008-08-12T19:08:00.002+01:00

Oh and just to balance things out he's also on the cover of Heat saying he doesn't trust her. Nice. Enjoy your five minutes and good luck with the rest of your lives.

LE-YAWN

2008-08-12T14:19:00.001+01:00

He calls it a 'treat and a trip' to be wearing designer clothes, but Leon X-Factor just can't even begin to look or sound interested. And if he can't be bothered, why should we? Jumping on the new series bandwagon, Heatworld.com have posted a moody black and white video of Leon at a photoshoot for his up and coming flop album. It's worth a watch for the comedy value alone. Bless him, someone needs to give him the Leona treatment. While she might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, at least we can imagine her acting like a diva. Leon on the other hand probably wouldn't mind washing up afterwards. Humble is fine, but don't overdo it when there's nothing to be humble about. I love the way he talks about 'keeping it real'. Considering most people wouldn't recognise him in the street, I think he's doing a good job of that so far.

WANNABE THIN?

2008-08-12T09:35:00.001+01:00

Geri is a funny creature. One minute she's a Spice Girl, then a UN Ambassador, then a professional bulimic, then a Spice Girl again, then an author, and now... what? Who knows. She's back on the cover of Hello, flaunting her (pretty hot) 36 year old abs and talking about how we can get a body like hers. Yeah yeah heard it all before. Last time Geri tried to convince us that all we needed was Yoga and Tae Bo, she was actually scurrying around in George Michael's bins and injecting herself with sugar or something. That's the think about crying thin-wolf, nobody believes you second time around. Good on you Geri for being happy with yourself, but please don't turn round in a couple of years and tell us how you ate nothing but marmite for 3 weeks before the photoshoot.

MY NEW VIEW

2008-08-11T21:01:00.001+01:00

East Beach, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

Oh and did I mention our new house is 1 minute 40 seconds walk from this? Just checking.

HOLLYSPOOKS

2008-08-11T20:50:00.003+01:00

There's nothing worse than tarnishing a brand with a cheap spin off. Everyone should have learned that lesson by now. Did nobody hear of Baywatch Nights? Anyway, launched amid a pile of publicity came Spooks: Code 9. The BBC3 thing should have given it away. Rubbish. Such a disappointment from people who make one of my favourite programmes ever. They should be ashamed to call it Spooks anything. Lame acting, wafer thin plot that has been done before, and all round thumbs down. Cliche anyone? There's plenty to go around. Attractiveness does not make for a good show when it is supposed to be dealing with edgy issues. Save it for Hollyoaks. I give Spooks Code 9 a massive 1/10 and look forward to the real thing coming back in a couple of months.

CATFIGHT

2008-08-11T20:32:00.003+01:00

My favourite 'headline' of the day, spotted at the gym on their rolling news ticker thing: "Dannii Minogue does not rule out future conflict with Cheryl Cole"

Well I for one will sleep better in my bed knowing that at some point in the future there might be a big hair pulling bitch fight on the X-Factor. Why is it so hard for the media to accept that actually 2 strong women might like each other rather than see the other as a vicious backstabbing bitch? I can't wait for the new X Factor and hope that Dannii and Cheryl can rise about the tabloid temptation to roll around on the floor biting each other. Although I'm sure some of the male viewers would pay to see that.

Look out for my new weekly X Factor blog starting this Saturday!

LOVE HER LOVE HER

2008-08-11T20:24:00.003+01:00

I'm not going to spend any time writing a post about 'What's gone wrong with Kylie' because frankly it's been done already by an amazing guy called Peter Robinson has already done that (google it). Instead I'm going to agree with everything he said, and then say how pleased I am that someone in CampKylie finally woke up and made a stonking video for the album's final single "The One". In keeping with WGWWK of course the record company cancelled the single release and the video is only available online at kylie.com (natch) but I would urge you to go check it out because it's the first video she's done for ages where her stylist should be praised instead of shot. It's a stunning end to an awful campaign but at least she's going out on a high. The single even has a stomping Freemasons remix which you can download from iTunes if you so desire.

AND YOU'RE BACK IN THE ROOM

2008-08-11T20:23:00.002+01:00

Ladies and Gents, boys and girls, we are back back back!!!!11!!1!!one!!

So many HOUSE MOVING HORROR stories to tell you but let's save that for later. For now, we'll begin with some good stuff.....

Hello, hello, good to be back etc. But not in a Gary Glitter way obviously.

Mr & Mrs

2008-08-01T09:17:00.001+01:00

Mr & Mrs, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

Congratulations to the newlywed Mr & Mrs Marshall. Thanks for an excellent day x

PAUSE

2008-07-30T06:54:00.003+01:00

Apologies for the service disruption. I just don't have the time to blog, what with our impending (2 days to go!!) house move. I miss the blog!! I keep thinking of great stuff to write about but then another box needs packing.

So, I'm taking the pressure off and saying "farewell for now". Who knows when I'll be back, as BT seem determined to shun my attempts to become one of their customers and have cancelled my order for the second time in a week. But that's another story which no doubt I will tell you if I ever get online again.

Wish me luck as I wave you goodbye. See you in the new house xx

DISCUSS.

2008-07-27T17:40:00.000+01:00

WE HEART KYLIE

2008-07-27T13:25:00.002+01:00

Kylie Minogue Live o2 402008-07-26.jpg, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

With a 2.5 hour long show and 2nd row seats for £50 each, Kylie showed Madonna how it should be done IMHO.

More on this later... there are boxes that need packing.

Full set of photos here http://tinyurl.com/6lgsmd

DON'T STOP MOVIN'

2008-07-23T08:25:00.002+01:00

I hate moving house with a passion matched only by watching an episode of Totally Calum Best. Seriously, I really can't stand it. With 9 days to go until our house move, life at Monkey Heights falls into two distinct modes: packed or chaotic. If something is packed, it sits neatly in a box waiting for M Day. Occasionally we discover that a Packed item shouldn't yet be in its hibernative state and have to disturb it and the community it has formed in boxworld. Then it's brought back out into Chaosville. This term covers everything that is not packed. If you're living in Chaosville you have 2 designations. The first, blissful state, is 'awaiting packing' which means soon you will reach Nirvana and be wrapped in bubbles before resting in a cool dark place. If you're not awaiting packing, sadly it's a different fate for you. Perhaps you will join the ever growing pile of items marked 'Boot Sale' (yeah, right), or maybe you go straight into a plastic bag. Red means recycle, shine your halo. Black means straight to hell. Time, as ever, marches forward and nothing can stop the impending Move Day. Ready or not, here they come. I just hope the removal men have a sense of humour (and nice pecs would be good too).

HERE COME THE HORSEMEN

2008-07-21T22:52:00.003+01:00

That's it, I give up. TV is dead - I'm calling time of death at 22:52. It's over. Pack up. Time to go home boys and girls. Cause of death? One reality show too many. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time for Totally Calum Best.

But hang on I hear you cry. Let's put aside the BADLY photoshopped advert and look beneath the surface. The best is yet to come? Does that mean this is all about Calum improving himself through spiritual teachings? Is he going out to Africa to build a school? No. Not quite.

The premise of the show is, wait for it, "can Calum Best go without sex for 50 days". Seriously. Cameras will be following him for 50 days and 49 nights to see whether or not he can be celibate. Frankly, I couldn't care less. And even if I did care, what's so exciting about watching a programme where someone doesn't have sex? And if he does have sex are we going to see it? Will the series be cancelled if he has a wank? I just don't understand. Really, I don't. How can expectations be so low in the UK today that this is considered entertainment. It makes me feel kind of sad to be honest. It's come to this. Or not, as the case may be.

Calum, good luck in your quest to avoid having sex. Tell you what, why not get married in episode 1 and the rest of the series will be a breeze. Or how about only sleeping with women who have a PhD. I hope your talented and respected Dad is looking down on you with pride. The rest of us are just looking down on you.

LET'S DO LUNCH

2008-07-20T21:51:00.000+01:00

OH HAI CYPRUS

2008-07-19T11:17:00.000+01:00

My iPhone GPS seems to be suffering from wishful thinking.

4 YEARS YOUNGER

2008-07-19T09:05:00.003+01:00

Madonna must be working some serious mojo on Old Father Time. Yes there have been plenty of rumours about possible surgery or injectables, all of which have been ignored or denied. So imagine my horror, at the gym on the treadmill watching Richard & Judy, seeing a video of Madonna being interviewed in 2004. How, faithful reader, in 4 years does someone age like this? 2004:2008:

And yes I know it's all camera angles and soft lighting, but the Madonna of 2004 really did look like a pensioner! Frumpy shoes, hunchback, old lady hair...

Somewhere in one of her homes is a rotting portrait.

CHEAP AS MICROCHIPS

2008-07-19T08:45:00.002+01:00

I do miss Doctor Who. Saturday nights aren't the same without it. And I miss the Apprentice. In fact there's not much on tv at all that I watch right now. Occasionally I'll watch Big Brother if I'm having a bad day, but I always have that post-BB shame feeling like I've sat and laughed at an old lady being taunted in the street by a gang of hoodies. Anyway,back to the point. The BBC has been negotiating its new contract with David Tenant for Who5 and it has emerged that he has been offered £1.5m. My first thought was bloody hell he is expensive! Then I noticed that it was £1.5m for the whole series, not per episode. What an effing liberty, as Donna would say. Now I know the BBC is publicly funded blah blah guardian article, but Doctor Who is consistently one of the most watched programmes on TV. The series finale was the highest rated programme of the week - a first in 45 years of Dr Who. The series is sold to networks around the world, DVD boxsets cost upwards of £50 each, and if you can't buy a miniature figure of even the most minor characters then you are not looking hard enough. It's a total cash space cow. So on this occasion, I think the BBC can legitimately go above and beyond the market rate and pay Mr T a world class salary. Remember when the CastofFriends (TM) used to command $1m each per episode? Get him in that ballpark and then we're talking. Come on Auntie, start respecting your flahship show, otherwise Ten leaves, and the only person you'll be able to afford for Who 11 is Jeremy Edwards.

CHECK THIS OUT

2008-07-16T20:23:00.000+01:00

IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR

2008-07-13T09:50:00.001+01:00

Ouch, this is going to sting and someones' xmas card list has just gone down by one.

Madonna's estranged brother Christopher has written one of those 'warts' books about life with his sister. Chris is (or was) an artist and designer who Madonna used on several of her tours in the 90s, including what many people believe to be her best: Blond Ambition. He featured heavily in "Truth or Dare" and seemed to be one of the few siblings that had transitioned with her from normality into celebrity. Sadly he has struggled with drug and alcohol addictions in the last few years and seems to have fallen out with Madonna big time. Note to Chris: this won't help.

In the book he talks about their fiery relationship, her diva like behaviour, Guy's homophobia and generally brings out every bit of dirty washing that could possibly be aired. He talks about calling her an "evil queen" in an email, which seems slightly ironic given the circumstances. I'm sure the fall out is not entirely one sided and I hope that Chris takes some responsibility for his own life and choices. I'm sure he has caused a fair amount of grief to others with his own behaviour in recent years. On one hand I am not particularly interested in another grubby book about Madonna, but Chris is (was) an intelligent and sensitive man so this book may actually have some depth to it. Of course all we see at the moment in the papers is the headline grabbing scandal, and with a bit of luck the book will be more balanced. I'll let you know once I've read it!

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DON'T TOUCH MY BUM

2008-07-13T07:42:00.001+01:00

Sadly the end has arrived for CheekyMonster as the NOTW announces the split of Gabriellaellaella and Lemsip Oldspice. Nothing at all to do with the current Living TV reality show "Life with the Cheeky Girls" which to me sounds more like a sentence than a series. Oh no, apparently they have been arguing hammer and tongs for weeks and the pressure just got too much. My favourite line from the story is "Lembit tried to buttonhole Gabby in the green room but she was ice cold." Tee hee. Maybe some flowers and a romantic dinner beforehand would have helped.

So who's next for Lemsip? I would say it's a choice between Britney, A-Rod's estranged wife, or at a long shot Carla Bruni. The latter because she has a record coming out.

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WE KNOW WHERE U LIVE

2008-07-12T15:07:00.001+01:00

iPhone 3g GPS is watching , originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

The GPS on 3G iPhone is so sensitive that it knows which part of the house I am in. Gulp!

iPWNED

2008-07-11T19:22:00.003+01:00

Two words to describe Apple today, which I never thought I would use. Epic Fail. It hurts me to say so, but really it has been an exercise in 'how not to do business' not just here in the UK but all over the world. Epic Fail of Global Impact. Ooh, sour taste there. So what happened? Well, in mho, Apple set themselves up to deliver a totally integrated experience centred around the iPhone 3G which ended up falling over at every hurdle. I really hope someone does a more informed and critical analysis because I would love to find out what really happened.

The amazing MobileMe was launched yesterday and ended up being online for about 3 minutes in the last 24 hours. Fail. iTunes 7.7 was released, which was great, but then using it to activate new iPhones overloaded the system in every country around the world. Fail. The iPhone went on sale at 8:02 in the UK and by lunchtime, roughly 3 people had working phones. Fail. As of this evening, customers have paid for their phones and had to wait for hours for shops to get them working, only to be told 'sorry can't do any more today'. Fail. Absolute disasters every step of the way.

Now I'm not just saying all this to be controversial or get peoples' backs up, I just genuinely feel really shocked and disappointed that a company so obsessed with the customer experience could fall at every hurdle possible, and still not have it fixed at the close of business. If Steve Jobs doesnt order a root and branch investigation then the company could be in choppy waters with shareholders. It's really not good to launch the biggest product of the year and generate such stress and anger among customers.

Me, I'm happy with my new iPhone even though iTunes killed it dead for a while this afternoon. That was a stressful couple of hours! Miraculously, it was resurrected and is now happily doing its thing as it should. I hope we have long happy lives together :)

SPIN ON IT

2008-07-11T18:49:00.003+01:00

There are times when only the phrase "what a bloody nerve" will do. Cast your mind back, faithful reader, to the great Broadband outage of 2008. Virgin Media responded with little more than a "are we bovvered" when I rang to complain. 4 days I had to wait for an engineer. 4 days! The customer service manager promised to call me back with an update but never did. The whole thing sucked big time. As we are moving house, it was a good excuse to give Virgin the finger and cancel the account, which I have. When I rang to cancel I was immediately offered £20 a month off my bill which I refused, because if they can do it now why didn't they always offer a cheaper service. And look what arrived today.

Aww, a cutesy little Virgin eye mask, and a glossy brochure telling me that I can change my mind, and everything will be better. Cheaper. Faster. It just confirms even more that I was right to cancel. If they went to half the effort with existing customers as they do trying to stop people leaving maybe they wouldn't need glossy brochures. It costs a lot more to attract new customers than keep current ones, and Virgin really should pay some attention to that. When you ring to report a fault, you go to a call centre in India. When you ring to cancel, you go through to Glasgow.

To top it off, a letter arrived addressed to "The lucky new occupier" which made me suspicious. It was a 'welcome pack' from Virgin saying hi and good luck in your new home which is already supplied with Virgin Media. That's going in the bin, next to the eye mask. Sleep on it? No thanks.

iPHONE LAUNCH DAY: THE WAIT

2008-07-11T08:11:00.005+01:00

05:50 Released from storage.
07:37 Out for delivery.

10:20 Still waiting, which is painful. However, it's not as painful as having to queue at an o2 store where systems crashed within minutes, and it took over an hour to serve the first 2 customers. Most o2 shops have less than 30 iPhones in stock, and massive queues outside. Ouch!

11:01 Approaching tantrum velocity

11:39 My neck hurts from the whiplash effect of looking out of the window at EVERY passing engine based vehicle. I am turning meerkat. At least nobody in the street is going to get burgled today without me seeing it.

12:27 IT'S HERE!! Very randomly, delivered by a man in a Vauxhall estate car, with his wife in the passenger seat ticking names off a list. Off to play now :)

SIGH OH APPLE YOU ARE SPOILING US

2008-07-11T01:35:00.004+01:00

I'm spent, and we haven't even had the money shot yet.

So tonight we have had....

iTunes 7.7 update, which on its own isn't particularly exciting but it does have the amazing new App Store! Squeal!

These are some of the Apps I have downloaded so far. Ranging from the silly (turn your iPhone into a Lightsabre) to the practical (Remote control for Apple TV) and the essential (Facebook).

Next arrival was a bit on-off, but for a while MobileMe was live. It's down again at the moment but it sure looks purrty and all Me.Com email addresses are up and running.

For those uber-geeks among us, why not go to www.twitlive.tv where Leo Laporte is single handedly covering 24 hours of iPhone launches all around the world! It's like Children in Need for the rich and nerdy.

iPhone software 2.0 has kind of unofficially leaked out, but I'm not touching it yet. I did (very easily) hack into and unlock my current iPhone so that might come in handy but I don't want to kill it off with a dodgy upgrade!

And with that, I'm done in and heading for bed. The DHL Stork is bringing a bundle of joy tomorrow and I am paranoid that I will oversleep and miss the delivery. Luckily the doorbell noise box thing is personal, so tonight it's sleeping next to my head.

Hopefully the delivery will come early, or I'm gonna be liveblogging every single second of the day with things like "not here yet". Cross your fingers faithful readers.

ENJOY THE FEEL IN YOUR HAND

2008-07-10T06:52:00.001+01:00

All you non-geeks out there can just skip right over this entry. Go on, off you go. Why not go do something sporty or attractive.

Have they gone? Right then. Geek Pride! OMG it's so exciting at the moment. Within the next 24 hours the world will have iPhone Software 2.0, iTunes 7.7, a brand new shiny App Store, new and improved MobileME and last but not least the new 3G iPhone. I can barely contain myself. I honestly think I might wear our the 'order status' button on the o2 website at this rate. FYI, it's 'complete'.

In the US, they are taking no chances on the duff salesperson front, and have issued guidance for staff at AT&T who are selling new iPhones. I particularly loved this part of the transaction.

The countdown begins here and now.

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CASSIDY, PWNED!

2008-07-09T22:34:00.001+01:00

I'm totally having an impact on the Celebrity Fitness World. Look at what happened to Jeremy Edwards after I said he had man boobs? Off he went, no carbs after 12 and instant six pack. So imagine my surprise, after slating Natalie Cassidy for throwing in the fitness towel, only a couple of days later she is selling another story to Now magazine where she was "in tears over weight gain". Apparently she doesn't want to be one of those celebs who makes loads of money on a DVD and then goes back to normal.

The power of the Monkey Blog!

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ERRATUM

2008-07-09T22:30:00.001+01:00

The Management at MacMonkey Towers would like to thank 'Anon' for pointing out an error in our post Who Review: 4.13. While we endeavour to ensure our submissions are accurate, occasionally mistakes do happen. In this case we mistakenly referred to the Raston Warrior Robot as the Rassilon Warrior. The author concerned tried to explain his cock up by saying that in all fairness, the Robot was guarding the Tomb of Rassilon but his pitiful plea for mercy went unheard and he was decapitated by said Robot.
We thank you for your dilligence and appreciate your feedback. Without you, we're nothing.

Whatever happened to the Raston Warrior Robot?

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3Grrrrrrr

2008-07-07T20:58:00.001+01:00

Bloody o2. Seriously. What a waste of space. Tasked with launching the new 3G iPhone, they created a total frenzy among current customers. Texts were sent out telling us that the new iPhone was going to be limited stock, so head on over to o2 and Pre-Register for information! Once that was done, emails came out saying more information would be sent at the beginning of July. As of this moment in time, there was apparently no reason whatsoever to pre-register.

This morning just before 8:00, o2 emailed and sent texts to all its customers, saying iPhone could be ordered online as from this morning. Impact? System crashed within about 1 minute. They created a really complex process where you had to enter a mobile number and wait for a code to be sent to you (why?) then go through lots of confirmation pages. It took me 17 attempts to generate a code which would get me into the system. By 8:30 the whole system was frazzled and taken offline. Nobody had managed to order a new iPhone at this point. Great job.

Cue much gnashing of teeth and shaking fists at a vengeful god. Eventually, by some fluke of nature, I managed to get to the order confirmation stage just after lunchtime and shortly after that the website went down again. By 2pm o2 were saying all iPhones had now sold out. I keep checking my order status just to be sure it's real.

So what can we learn from this? Lesson one: If you want to sell a product, make it possible for people to buy it. The 900 or so posts on macrumors.com show that 99.9% of people who tried to upgrade today were unsuccessful. They are not happy, and neither would I have been, in their situation. Lesson two: Don't make people do pointless sign up for information things if there is no benefit whatsoever of doing this. Lesson three: Don't have your customer service line tell people that the only way to buy is online, when the website has been taken offline. Lesson four: Don't scare people into a panic by sending texts about limited supplies, 2 week waits and first come first served, and then blame 'overwhelming demand' for crashing the system. You created the demand, so be prepared for it.

I feel nervous about jinxing my order, but am glad I can (fingers crossed) sit back and wait for a delivery on Friday. All this chaos today will simply increase the number of people who feel forced to queue for hours outside o2 shops on Friday morning.

Clever of them isn't it.

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