BOO!

SUN, SKY AND SATANIC SLUTS

Joss Stone at The Brits

Roseanne at The Superbowl

Julian Clary at The TV Awards.

Britney at The Hairdresser.

Oh how the world laughed when these idols fell off the pedestals we had so gracefully elevated them onto. It seems like 'celeb tipping' is the new Atkins. Everybody's doing it. Phillip Schofield gave Katona a shoulder swipe last week and has pretty much ruined her career, again. And yesterday saw the swift and lasting crucifixion of Russell Brand - a man who as far as I know has never promoted himself as anything but offensive. I've pretty much no idea what it's all about, other than it involves a lot of hot air being blown around but it has been fascinating over the last 24 hours to watch the celebrities being thrown to the lions. The fate of Ross is yet to be decided, but somehow I can't quite see the BBC let their golden boy fall on his sword.
Content of the 'issue' aside, it makes me ponder issues about the power of the press and news stations. While I see them as having a very simple function which is to report the news, increasingly they are influencing and shaping the news. Watch Sky News for anything longer than 15 minutes and you'll see how desperately they cling to a story, fanning the flames with a series of rabidly hysterical commentators. The Sun is no better. But we'll come to them later. While working in my little home office yesterday I had Sky News on in the other room for some background chatter. Their day started, like mine, a little slow and not very exciting. They were asking "Should Brand apologise?" which seemed fair enough. By mid-morning they were showing the interview with the Satanic Slut from the Satanic Sun who was asked the leading question "Should they lose their jobs?". Her hesitant "....errr yes" was turned into SACHS FAMILY SAYS SACK BRAND by Sky news within the hour. By lunchtime they had MP Nigel Evans saying Brand and Ross should be sacked. At the announcement of their suspension, it was the equivalent of driving a car into a bonfire. Rather than feeling satisfied and just, Sky asked "Should the BBC be held to account?" and invited ex-Sun editor Calvin McKenzie on to tell us all that "the entire structure and hierarchy of the BBC needed to be dismantled from top to bottom" because of this. Really? Seriously? But only 2 people complained about the Brand show when it was aired. It it hadn't been for all the media attention boosting that to 20,000 (still a minute number) nobody would care.

The Sky "news"reader almost spontaneously ejaculated when he heard they were going live to the home of Andrew Sachs, the innocent victim in this drama. Taking a leaf from the "Dick and Dom" school of interviews (see below), one particular journalist was determined to get his money shot. The interview went something like this...
Journo Scum: "How terrible are you feeling today?"
Sachs: "Ok actually"
Journo Scum: (Srsly? Oh..) "And how are you feeling about (menacing voice) Brand and Ross?"
Sachs: "Actually they have both written me lovely letters which I appreciate"
Journo: (shit) "Do you feel let down by the BBC?"
Sachs: "They are under a lot of pressure from competition, it's different from my days"
Journo: (Ha!) "So do you feel standards have slipped?"
Sachs: "No, standards have just changed"
Journo: (DESPERATE): "FOR THE WORSE??"
Sachs: "No, for the better in some cases"Journo: (OMFG!! NOOOO!) "So..... do you think they should apologise to your granddaughter"
Sachs: "Yes, I..."
Journo (WOO HOO) "Kthnxbai... and cut".
And then the next 'news bulletin' showed a heavily edited version where none of the positive bits were shown. It makes me crazy with anger!! The remaining player in this little drama is the Satanic Slut herself, Sach's Granddaughter. Within 24 hours The Sun have transformed her from innocent little wide-eyed victim girl to vampish sex mad temptress. Nice. Seems like she can say whatever she likes about Russell Brand with no fear of comeback. And funny how the Sun videos of her started out yesterday looking like this, shot on a mobile phone in someone's office:

to this.

I depair at times, when we are constantly told DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT SAYS by the media who then tell us what they want us to believe anyway. The news creates the news, and it hurts my head to think about what is true and what isn't. By yesterday evening when Russell Brand resigned from the BBC, there was no sign of this story losing momentum. I wonder how the original 2 complainants are feeling. I wonder how the Satanic Slut is feeling. I wonder if the head of Sky News or the editor of The Sun have any feelings?

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MEH.

I'm bored of my blog! I'm not bored of blogging, but I think this particular blog has lost focus. It's trying to be all things to all people. I need a rethink. It's time to go off into a cave with some string and a whistle to see what I can come up with.

Bear with me. Genius demands patience.

We'll be right back, after this short break.

BRIDGE TO NOWHERE

East Beach, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

I LOVE AUTUMN

Sunset Trees, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

DOUBLE OH

Does anyone else think this is the most beautifully shot, amazing tv advert ever?  It gives me the chills!

L TO THE O TO THE L

PRAISE BE

SAVE US

DOM-HEAD

So the one from Dick & Dom who isn't Ant or Dec or Dick has appeared in the Sun today under one of those MY DRUGS SHAME headines.  He was filmed, on a mobile phone, outside a nightclub while smoking a fag and being a bit pissed.  Frankly, I don't care about him at all.  I like Dick & Dom, but in the grand scheme of things he's fairly irrelevant.  What REALLY annoys me is Citizen Manc-Lad Journalist who decides to use his crappy Nokia to turn this into a money making opportunity.  Suddenly he becomes all Jeremy Kyle.  It reminded me of the bit in Bridget Jones when she is talking to the police about her parents and finds herself using words like 'Caucasian'.  

There's something about this Manc Scally's approach that just seems like he has been practising this in his head for a long time.  Rather than taking the opportunity to innocently chat to this poor drunken mini-celeb, he decides to turn up the heat.  "ARE YOU ON DRUGS?" he yells.  No, says Dom, swaying.  "WHY NOT" comes the next machine gun question.  Apparently Dom has a heart condition and is not allowed to take drugs.  Ask his Doctor.  "SO IT'S NOT BECAUSE DRUGS ARE BAD (mmmkay)????" asks Parkinson.  It's so obvious where it's all going.  He's writing the headlines himself.  Like watching a brain surgeon operate using a rusty spoon, our inquisitive scamp goes in for the kill with "WHO IS THE MOST FAMOUS PERSON YOU KNOW WHO TAKES DRUGS??????".  Sadly, Dom does not say the Queen or Cilla Black or anyone at all, simply replying that actually he doesn't know that many famous people.  Undterred, the killer blow comes in the form of "SO ARE YOU ACTUALLY FILMING AT THE MOMENT", as if that admission on its own would damn Dom into oblivion.

It's just all so sad.  People seem so intent on exposing celebrities as scumbags that they fail to see the irony of themselves becoming said bags of scum simply by whipping out their phone.  I hope the £50 that the "interviewer" made from the story is spent well, probably on Carlsberg or Sovereign rings.  I wish Dom well for the future and hope nothing comes of this sordid little tale.  But mate, keep your mouth shut next time.

OH PULEEEZE

"In writing my memoirs I have made a great many observations about myself and my sister Madonna.  I will not be commenting on her divorce as that is a private matter between her and Guy Richie and would consider any commentary on my part dishonourable and disrespectful"

Christopher Ciccone.

Oh, could someone tell Chris to bolt the stable door now please?

MEANWHILE ON PLANET X

So, the X Factor then.  What a circus it is this year.  The live shows seem to be more about giving the judges an opportunity to bitch at each other rather than give any constructive feedback to the contestants.    Not Cheryl, of course, she continues to be amazing and made me melt when she apologised to Daniel for knocking his confidence last week.  She rocks and should one day be Queen.

As for the hopefuls, I'm kind of underwhelmed really.  Diana should win, hands down.  Other than that, there are a few who make me take notice, like Alexandra and Ruth, but the others are just a bit "meh".  I still hate Austin with a passion, and am beginning to find Daniel really irritating.  Rachael is disappointing.  Scott is bland.  Eieioghahn is weird.  

Dannii continues to look hot, although she has told More magazine that the botox is being stopped because she needs to look like she means what she says!  Yeah right.  A Minogue without Botox is like......(send your answers on a postcard).

Still, I remain happily addicted and look forward to watching another hopeful have their dreams dashed next week.

A.K.A.

Following on from my last posting, I thought these pictures could equally be used to show Jason Cowan's transformation.

Before:

After:

WHO?

Cast your minds back, loyal readers, to Big Brother 2004.  Remember Jason, the Scottish muscleman who went into the house wearing a thong?  No?  Here's a picture to jog your memory.  

Yes, him.  Now you may be forgiven for thinking that Jason has spent the last 4 years doing nothing, in obscurity.  You would be wrong. R-O-N-GH.  Jason has been in the gym.  For 4 years.  Now following in Goldenballs underpants, he's the latest model for EA. 

Puts old Jeremy Edwards to shame doesn't it.

GLOBAL WARMING

Southend Flickr Saturday Meetup 18 October 2008, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

What's going on with the weather? Today, in October, I was wandering around with a t-shirt on, feeling a bit warm. Is this Summer?

This afternoon I met up with a bunch of strangers and took photos of Southend Pier. It was great. I loved it. People who take photos rock.

See them all at www.flickr.com/photos/paulmonkeypaul

Madge divorce: Weight Loss Shock

Madge divorce: Weight Loss Shock, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

HAPPY 2009

This man refuses to vanish into obscurity.  Wouldn't you feel a bit embarrassed when April 09 hits and you can't remember why you have this nobody on your wall?  Calendars are obviously far too cheap to produce these days. Be off with you.

SUPERCYNDI

Cyndi Lauper, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

So on Friday we headed oop north to Manchester for a night in a posh hotel and a concert by Cyndi Lauper. Most peoples' reaction to that was "is she still around", but hopefully faithful Monkey followers will know that I've been raving about her new album for almost 6 months. If you haven't bought it, do it now. Go on. Now. It's called Bring Ya To The Brink and it's everything that Madonna should have been doing for the last 5 years.

Concerts are something I do a lot, like a hobby. I tend to stick to fairly mainstream acts but am prepared to give most things a go. I am, however, beginning to appreciate that there are different perspectives on what makes someone a succesful artist or musician. Take Madonna for example. She's huge. Probably the biggest star in the world today in terms of longevity and popularity over time. Her concerts have been getting progressively larger in scale over recent years. Her Sticky & Sweet Tour which has just ended its European leg is her first stadium tour since 1993. She is playing to audiences of 100,000 people at a time, and charging up to £400 a ticket.

Cyndi on the other hand has not 'enjoyed' the same level of success as Madonna since the 80's. She has continued to make music albeit on a more personal level. Her last few albums have been a mixture of acoustic, rave and latin sounds which showcase her voice to its best effect. Her concert last night at Machester's Bridgewater Hall was a small intimate affair with a few hundred people in the audience. £35 for 5th row tickets. So who is more succesful?

While Madonna seems to be intent on putting as much distance (physical and emotional) between her and her fans as humanly possible, Cyndi takes a different path. For several of the songs she jumped off the stage and actually sat with the audience, kicking people out of their seats and getting down with her fans. She made it her job to connect with us, and she did it with style. She wore her heart on her sleeve and for the first time in my life made me cry during a concert! The only time Madonna came close to that was when we realised how much we had paid for awful seats.

To me, success is not about scale any more. It's not about how many stadiums you can fill and how much you can charge for a ticket. It's not about how many dates you play and how many people sleep on the streets for the best seats. In the days of digital downloads and at a time when MTV no longer plays music on its main channel, it's more important than ever for musicians and performers to touch us with their human side. Soon we'll have robots in our homes. We don't need them on our stages.

Cyndi, I salute you. The show ranks up there as one of the best gigs I've ever been to, and reminds me of how music can lift you up, throw you around, break your heart and make it better again.

There are still opportunities to see her in the UK and Europe over the next couple of months. Run, don't walk.

UPDATE: The Guardian interviews Cyndi here

GO GLORIA

All round amazing person and brilliant feminist writer Gloria Steinem has written this stonker about Sarah Palin.  She says it better than I ever could!!  Clone her.

"This isn't the first time a boss has picked an unqualified woman just because she agrees with him and opposes everything most other women want and need. Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It's about making life more fair for women everywhere. It's not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It's about baking a new pie.

Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that
Barack Obama's still does. 

To vote in protest for McCain/Palin would be like saying, "Somebody stole my shoes, so I'll amputate my legs."

IT'S BRITNEY YOU BITCHES

While I'm not overly over the moon about Britney's new single, Womanizer, I have to admit I am very excited about her 'comeback'.  Yes it's only been a year since her last album but a year is a long time in pop, particularly when there's a meltdown involved.  So good on you Britney for bouncing back looking amazing and ready to party again.  Maybe this year stay away from the hair clippers.

Oh and as soon as she announces tour dates I am so there!

HONEY TO THE B-LIST

I'm still completely addicted to the X Factor and can't wait for the first live show this Saturday. Yes, I know it's sad but I don't care. I love it. Possibly my favourite part of the whole series happened on Sunday night at the end of the second show. The final twelve were revealed and we got to see their new 'glamour shots'. Those little indent sections of people pouting and throwing their heads back. It shows how styled everyone gets for the live episodes, and I can't get enough!

However there is a fly in my X Factor ointment. And it's name is Austin. I couldn't believe he got through ahead of Mali and the northernmunki one with foster parents. There's something about Austin that's just makes me want to shout WEASEL at the screen. The man is a complete fame-whore. I can't believe that nobody has mentioned the fact that "Austin" once went under the name of "Chloe" in the supershit reality show Boys Will Be Girls. In said show, Nathan from Brother Beyond got a group of boys together and tried to pass them off as a girl group. Paging Dr Freud. Need to refresh your memory? Click it and weep.

IS IT TUESDAY ALREADY?

Is it just me or does time seem to be flying by at the moment? The days seem shorter, punctuated by ever expanding darkness at either end. Getting up feels so much more difficult when the duvet is warm and the room is cold. I feel like I've just got a constant 'to do' list at the moment both at work and home. My 'work' inbox today topped 500 emails for the first time in a while. Inbox Zero doesn't seem to be working!! I noticed today that I've been going about my daily business for the last week with a sense of normality, like everything is ok again. But actually it takes a day like today to make me realise I'm still kind of pretending that everything is ok, and that inside I still feel all over the place from time to time. Grief is such a bizarre thing. I've never known anything like it really. But I take comfort in having an amazing Mr Monkey to help me make sense of things, and fantastic friends who are at the end of a phone, email or cuddle. If you are reading this and fall into that category, thank you.

And for those of you who still can't make out that Photoshopped face below, it's none other than Christina 'Xtina' Aguilera. Seriously! How sad that a successful young woman is presented to the world in such a manipulated way.

Anyway, back to the inbox........

Huh?

Can anyone actually guess who this is? Someone has gone a little over the top with Photoshop.

ONE FOR PIXIECOLA

How about this for Christmas?