HERE THEY COME

Who is this strange woman looking like a cross between Mariah and Photoshopped drag queen?  Why it's loser Niki from X Factor 2007.  You know, the dinner lady with the foghorn voice who sang Hot Stuff and made Celine Dion cry.  Or something like that.  Anyway I'm not interested in giving her crap single any attention but merely pointing out the start of Ex-X-Factor season.  For tis the time of year when losers bring out rubbish in order to coast along the wake of another series of 'hopefuls'.  For every Leona there will be a Steve Brookstein.  For Will Young there's a Niki.  I wonder if that skanky girl group from last year, Hope, will attempt to be the new Girls Aloud?

Keep an eye out for other losers.  First person to spot one wins a copy of Andy Abraham's greatest hits.

BACK ON THE GRUEL AGAIN

Cupcake Thief, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

So there are only 3 full months left until we go to Gran Canaria. Great if you are looking forward to sun, fun and relaxation but not so fantastic when those skimpy little trunks from 2 years ago strain and scream at the thought of your thighs being crammed in.

So, here we go again. It's time to face the music.

Once again it's back to healthy eating. No more junk. Say it with me! No more junk! God it's so hard. Maybe I should just start smoking again. Cafes like Stop The World in Leigh will have to be shut down for the next 3 months. Their Millionaire Shortbread is made by St Peter. Starbucks will have to ban me. Waitrose will have to declare their bakery section out of bounds.

Still it's been fun while it lasted. My red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting were fucking amazing yesterday. I shall miss them.

CR3D1B1L1T3 0

Poor Posh. Someone must have thought it was really funny to present her with a personalised plate, but she does look a bit like the next advert for Churchill. Oh yes.

STORM IN A TEACUP

Why not read through the statements below to see if any of them relate to you?

1. Have you ever tried to control or cut down the amount of sex you have?
2. Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't want to have sex with?
3. Do you need a sexual relationship to make your life bearable?
4. Do you become anxious or even desperate when you are away from your partner?
5. Do you engage in sexual practices that bring you discomfort or pain?
6. Do you feel that life would be meaningless without a sexual relationship?
7. Do you spend a lot of time thinking about sex?
8. Do you feel uncomfortable about masturbation?
9. Have ever had an important relationship ruined through affairs etc?
10. Are you unable to concentrate on other aspects of your life because of thoughts of sex?
11. Do you feel that you lack dignity and completeness?
12. Would your quality of life improve if you were not so driven by sex and romance?

David Duchovny apparently said "Yes" to more than one of those statements and has checked himself into rehab for voluntary treatment of Sex Addiction. 

It's such a cool thing to suffer from isn't it.  On the scale of cool addictions, it's probably up there at the top.  Drug addiction is a mixed bag, cool if it's Kate Moss and not if it's Pete Doherty.  Alcohol addiction is just grubby.  But to be a Sex Addict?  That's practically a badge of honour.

Good luck with rehab Dave.  If you fancy a relapse give me a call.

QUESTION

Why is it that Big Brother producers will whisk someone out of the house faster than a speeding bullet for using "the N word" apparently without malice, yet when a contestant calls another one a slut and an ugly bitch to her face, it's ok? 

Curious.

HURLING SHOES AT CLOUDS

I notice more and more these days not just how much of my time is spent online, but also how much of my life I am prepared and willing to promote on various websites and fora (forums? I never know).  Whether its daily gossipy messages on Facebook, showing the world the contents of my living room on Flickr, or listing every banal detail of my day on Twitter (entry from Saturday:  I met a man at a party who makes anatomically correct genitals out of balloons) there really is no limit to what I put ‘out there’.  But of course, there is.  Everything is chosen, un-chosen, plucked, slapped and airbrushed.  I have complete control over what I choose to share or not.  However, once it’s out there all kinds of things happen.  People comment!  They say things!  Mostly nice things but sometimes bonkers things.  YouTube seems to be a prime candidate for bonkers things. 

Take this comment someone left on one of my Westlife concert videos: "lol mark went wrong. lol!!!! he said im the sunshine which is the other verse. and then shane and him looked at each other. hahahaha".  Seriously.
 
And this from one of my clips of Madonna’s concert at the weekend: "She completely encourged the new Cold War by the ideological way. As an international peace keeper, I completely opposite her STUPID opinion and provoking behavior for different cultures and human beings in the earth, though I was her fan at past. By the way, why doesn't she dare to shame Russian?"  Quite.
 
Harmless fun.  However, what happens when people get personal.  What happens when a faceless font makes your blood boil?
 
I’m currently cyber-wrestling with a particular, let’s call him, “troll” on a certain singer’s forum, and it’s doing my head in.  It’s nothing important really and I am trying to rationalise it in my head and use my braincells more productively rather than trying to come up with interesting ways to boil this man’s head.  The basic premise is, after attending a ‘certain’ concert at the weekend, I posted a message on a forum saying pretty much what I’m about to say in the next post here.  It was what I considered to be a pretty balanced review, coming from a slightly disappointed punter.  It’s my opinion.  Feelings, not facts.  Mr Troll decided to reply in what I can only describe as shrieking tones, saying how wrong I was and that nobody should listen and that this was the best show ever OMG it wuz amaaaaazin LOLZ !!!one!! etc.  Think “leave Britney alone” but from a man slightly more orange.  I’m glad he enjoyed the show and that it made such an impact.  It’s kind of how I wish I felt about it really.  But his complete lack of ability to see anything from anyone elses’ point of view has wound me up good and proper.  Other people who shared my view are similarly castrated with his cutting quips.  He has started to leave lines and lines of text that just says “bleat bleat bleat” to anyone who disagrees with his opinion.
 
I’m getting overexcited again, and starting to come up with inventive ways to use him in a recipe, so let’s get back to the point.
 
For every lovely person out there who interacts with me online (you know who you are, thank you!) there are others who are going to be complete arseholes.  I just need to accept it.  Whether it’s an online forum, a blog, a comment on a YouTube video, I have to just accept that people say things for their benefit, not mine.  It’s a one way conversation.  It’s the equivalent of a drive-by shouting.  As I usually do in my head, I now publicly leave it to Charlie Brooker to describe so eloquently the concept I have clumsily been trying to describe.  I take some comfort knowing that it’s not just me who rages at the machine.
 
“There's no point debating anything online. You might as well hurl shoes in the air to knock clouds from the sky. The internet's perfect for all manner of things, but productive discussion ain't one of them. It provides scant room for debate and infinite opportunities for fruitless point-scoring: the heady combination of perceived anonymity, gestated responses, random heckling and a notional "live audience" quickly conspire to create a "perfect storm" of perpetual bickering.”
 
Thanks for listening, and for your kind comments J
 

REVIEW: MADONNA LIVE

Give it 2 Me, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

My in depth review of Madonna's Sticky & Sweet Tour 2008, opening night at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium.

"Ok."

IT'S BRITNEY, BITCHES

I feel really bad for posting this, because it's probably bad karma or something but I justified it by saying at least it's not a mocking post about Kerry Katona's bankruptcy.

Anyway, some clever dick has managed to take concert footage of Britney and isolate her live feed from the mixing desk. Guess what? It's not good. Poor Britney.

So, and I say it with a heavy heart, here she is in all her glory. Or not.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

DON'T MESS WITH HER

I absolutely love Roseanne, she's mad as a box of frogs.  I particularly like the fact that she still has an outlet, through her blog, to speak her mind and comment on the injust and insane.  Have a look at roseanneworld.com to read her latest battle of words with John Voight which is turning really nasty.  He must have a big pair of balls to take on Roseanne.  She's always been one of my favourite celebrities, and her autobiography "My Lives" is a book I would happily buy for every one of my friends and family to read.  Far from being mad, Roseanne is insightful, cutting and obviously a very funny and talented writer.  I was lucky to see her doing live stand up a couple of years ago, and while there's a sense of bitterness in her after the American public and media fell out of love with Roseanne, nobody can doubt the impact she has had on not just popular culture but the role of women in comedy altogether.

So Roseanne, keep on writing and keep on shaking things up.  And if you would like to go on tour again I'd happily put some ticket money your way!

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Exactly who is paying for all of Gary Glitter's flights, and is he collecting air miles?

INSIDE HEAVEN

So a guy from Hull gets his new iPhone home and switches it on for the first time.  After the general feeling of amazement wears off, he looks through the settings and notices that there are already some photos saved in his library.  Some cheeky chappies in China thought it would be a bit of a laugh to take some snaps of each other as a little welcome gift. 

So cool.  Ok, so she is totally fired, but what a way to go.  Global fame for her, and a sneaky peek into the world of iPhone assembly for the rest of us.  I think that's what they call win-win.

Oh, and if there's a job going....

WORSHIP HIM

One of my favourite little webhaunts is the blog of Hugh Macleod, best known for his cartoons on the back of a business card.  They cover various genres from satirical, technological, observational and sometimes just plain rude / emotional.  You should check him out at www.gapingvoid.com and spread the word about his brilliant work.  I would love him to doodle on the back of my business card!        

MONKEY HEARTS WY

Future husband Will Young has been out of the limelight for a while, and thankfully he's back back back with a pretty cool song and a moody video. Good points about the song are that he sounds mature, confident and sexy. Good points about the video are that he gets his top off and there is a cow in a petrol station.

Enjoy!

RELIGHT MY FIRE

I've tried to resist talking about smoking on the blog, as I realise just how difficult it is for an ex-smoker to ever have anything unbiased to say about it.  I'm now almost 11 months fag free, and while I occasionally miss it and despite the extra spare tyre, I really can't imagine ever going back to it.  But, if I was told I had a terminal disease would I just think to hell with it and rush out for a pack of Marlboro?  It's a tempting thought.  With distance and clarity from cigarettes I can see how absolutely absurd the whole thing is, but if I knew I had nothing to lose I might just spark up for old times sake.  So I kind of feel a bit sorry for Patrick Swayze getting a bashing in the press for smoking while he's battling pancreatic cancer.  Yes so he's probably not helping himself by doing it, but who are we to judge what he does with his life.  If I were him right now, the only thing I'd be doing is making an appointment for a bit of botox.  Rugged is fine, but what exactly is that between his eyebrows?  Is he sponsored by Mercedes?  Lots of positive wishes for him and his recovery.  Negative press is hardly helpful is it!

GRATUITOUS GORDON RAMSAY PHOTO

...sorry Rich.

XBLOG WEEK 1

The start of another series of X Factor makes me think one thing.  Christmas is coming.  The onslaught of Auditions, Boot Camp, Live Shows, Semi-Final, Final, Xtra Factor, Xtrafactor+1 and all the various publicity stunts along the way all leads to one thing. Christmas number one.  So watching week 1 was a distracting experience because in my head I was starting my xmas card list and wondering what to wear for xmas dinner.  Anyway, the show must go on. 

First off, how much are we loving Cheryl Cole? Way much.  Not only is she stunningly pretty but she also seems 'real' and genuinely nice.  My only complaint is that I couldn't keep up with all her changing hairstyles and amazing outfits.  I felt like an autistic kid being forced to watch fireworks on LSD.  Cheryl worringly manages to make Dannii look chunky and probably has far too much hair, but we can forgive her for that.  Or anything.  Dannii spent episode 1 looking like she had conjuntivitis and there was no explanation for her mysteriously late arrival to one of the auditions.  Why even mention it?  It's not like the show is edited in a way that we can keep track with which audition is happening in chronological order.

I know the X Factor is awful, and I totally agreed with Ricky Gervais when he wrote that amazing speech in Extras that talked about how entertainment has reached the depths of parading morons in front of millionaires to be humiliated in front of millions.  And on an ethical level I totally agree.  But somehow this week there managed to be an element of real pathos when one of Cheryl's ex auditionees showed her how far she had come and how little he had moved on.  Ok it was probably all set up and the producers were probably only able to convince him to do it if he got a story in Hello next week, but at the time it was moving.  Cheryl must have counted her blessings and hugged her rich footballer husband a little tighter that night.

Anyway, the auditions are just a freakshow and for the next few weeks we'll be subjected to many more sob stories like the 13 years old mother with 5 children (which is going to be a hard one to top).  Lame Award this week has to go to the 16 year old from Bridgend who had a bit of Coldplay in the background because she comes from a place where a few teenagers killed themselves.  And?  I come from the place Annie Lennox was born but it doesn't mean I can sing Sweet Dreams without the neighbours checking for lawnmowered cats. 

Other points of interest this week:  Have Simon's lips got thinner?  When will Dermot do the decent thing and shave his head? Why did the crowd in Wales sound like they were saying "Wales has scotch eggs faster", and just how bloody ridiculous was it to fill the o2 arena with auditionees?  That place holds 23,000 people.  Even if each audition lasted 30 seconds it would take 49.62 days to get through everyone.

Suggestions are required for the X-Factor Drinking Game.  I'm going to start it off with 2 fingers for every time Dannii does an exaggerated "Wooooooahhhwwww" scream thing. 

BIRTHDAY, CELEBRATE, BE SO NICE

DaysToAmaze.Com has a list of unforgettable birthday gifts for someone turning 50 that include feeding Lemurs, a session of hypnotherapy or a sterling silver Love Heart. Somehow I doubt whether a certain 50 year old is today unwrapping any of those experiences. Yes ladies and gents, Lady Madonna turns 50 today so with a big party hooter and a handful of jabby plastic confetti let's celebrate this momentus day.

Love or hate sentences that start with love or hate, nobody can deny Madonna's influence on the last couple of pop culture decades. Sadly, that influence seems to have waned in recent years and she is starting to become a bit of a curiosity rather than a musician. 80s album sales of 24 million now hover round the 1 million mark, which in todays market is ok but nothing to base a legacy on. However, it's easy to start shooting in her particular barrel. Let's not forget that fact that the woman has sold a hundred million more albums than I ever will, and inspired countless people around the world. Like me. I can honestly say Madonna changed my life (and not in a Jerry Springer way) when at the age of 1 I hopped on a plane from Aberdeen to London and saw the Blond Ambition Tour at Wembley Stadium. It was my first ever visit to London and within a year I had moved there for good. I have a nagging feeling that without Blond Ambition I might still be living in Scotland right now.

So let's raise a glass of Kaballah water and toast a true legend. Now, Madonna, you better live up to that status next weekend in Cardiff. Happy Birthday Madge!

X FACTOR

In case like me you are over 15, you may have missed the fact that Channel 4 have now launched their own music channel, 4music. How many channels do they need? Between C4, E4, More4, E4+1, 4Music -3+4... it's all a little confusing. So in that confusion you may have not realised that they launched the channel with an exclusive showing of Kylie's X2008 Tour from the O2 arena. And after seeing it for a second time, it just reconfirms everything I thought when I saw it live. Kylie rocks! I know it's not cool to like Kylie, and that she has a patchy history of good / bad moments but if there are any doubters or fence sitters out there, check out the concert. It's repeated again on Channel 4 (and therefore Channel4 HD and Channel 4+1) on August 24th. Check local listings for details.

Even though they have chopped several songs, it's 2 hours well spent in good company. As I said before, and I'll say again, Madonna's £150 stadium ticket (next week!) better blow the socks off Kylie's £50 second row 2 hour show. But I'm not sure it will.....

ANGRY FROM SHOEBURY

I'm getting to be quite an expert at writing letters of complaint.  I am gobsmacked at the fact that pretty much all but 2 of the companies involved in our house move have let us down in some way.  It's one of those times when you realise that as consumers we probably put up with bad service occasionally, but then when it all happens at the same time something clicks and you think ahhh.  Not good enough UK Plc.  Without going into too much ranty detail, here are some of the companies who really do need to try harder:

Royal Mail
Mail redirection set up 3 weeks before we moved, kicking in on moving day.  Two weeks after moving day, mail is still going to old address.  Three calls to customer services so far.  No positive resolution in sight.  Angry email sent today.

BT
Eventually came good after involving an insider friend and angry emails to the Chief Exec on the hour every hour for 3 days.  Shame it took 3 weeks of stress, confusion and terrible service to get us to the point of someone listening.  Orders cancelled, services delayed, and we weren't even customers at the time!

The Pier
Lovely furniture shop, terrible systems.  Ordered bedroom furniture a week before we moved.  Three weeks later, wrong stuff arrives.  Still sitting here, unopened, waiting to be collected.  Delivery of correct furniture still to be confirmed.  Fail.

Virgin Media
When asking them to collect their cable equipment at a time that was good for me, I felt like I was asking the customer services rep to eat the contents of his rectum.  Eventually, after replying to every statement he made with a simple "no" and threatening with formal complaint, they agreed to collect at a time that was suitable for me, not them.  Why not just do that in the first place?

Southend Council
E-Gov hasn't quite caught on.  Filling in their online change of details form for council tax resulted in a snotty email from a "Miss Jones" telling me I had done it too early and would need to phone them and do it all again in 2 weeks time.  An even snottier reply from me resulted in an apology and positive outcome.  Take that, Miss Jones.

DVLA
Option 1: Fill in bottom of driving licence and send back for change of address.  Option 2, do it all online and save time.  WRONG.  Option 2 took 35 minutes to complete after having to register details several times and give evidence of identity via passport agency.  Last page:  Thanks for your details, now please fill in the bottom of your licence and send it back.  What??  File that one under pointless waste of time.

So you get my drift.  It's no wonder moving house is so stressful when day after day you have to battle muppet after muppet trying to make things complicated.  What I've really come to learn over the last few weeks is that you never really deal with a company, just an individual.  That one person can either make things better or make things worse.  They never have no impact.  It's sad that the people entrusted with the reputation and power of customer services are usually the ones paid and treated worst in the organisation.  Memo to Chief Execs: it shows. 

But just to balance things out I want to give massive thumbs up to two companies.  Monarch Removals were like ninjas in purple t-shirts and moved the whole house for us in less than 3 hours.  Their professionalism and efforts were completely amazing.  Sky TV were also brilliant,  even faced with an 'unconventional' installation the engineer stood out in the rain and wouldn't give up until everything worked.  Those 2 companies are literally the only ones who gave us flawless service during the move.

It's bloody exhausting trying to give companies your money!  Some of them obviously just don't want it.  Oh and if I ever say I'm moving house again, shoot me.

WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING

I resisted buying Christopher Ciccone's "Life with my sister Madonna" partly because I knew it would be trash but also because I don't really find time to sit down and read books any more. However, as soon as I saw it had been released as an audiobook I was downloading it faster than a vicious insult from a scorned family member. At only 5 hours long it's not exactly Lord of the Rings (although that could be an alternative title fnar fnar) so I managed to get through it in two return journeys to work. My verdict? Hold out your right hand and waggle your thumb and pinky. That's the one. Mediocre. Borderline (ha ha). It's written in a strange style, almost like a journal but in present tense so everything is 'I am' and 'I say' which makes it kind of difficult to follow when it's being read by Christopher himself. He has a low, growly voice which is really monotonous and pretty hard to get excited about.

What did I learn? About Madonna, not much. It pretty much confirms everything that people believe anyway: she's a control freak, she exploits people, she has used people to get where she is. Ok. Next. The allegations of Guy Richie's rampant homophobia are shocking but not surprising. The two things that shocked me most of all about the book were kind of nothing to do with Madonna really. One was that no matter how badly he is treated by her, Christopher always forgives her and goes back for more, then complains that he went back for more. Victim. He throws scorn on Madonna for surrounding herself with sycophants and yes-men, while simultaneously saying "I go to see Dick Tracy. It's awful and Madonna is terrible in it but I tell her I love it and she's great because that's what she wants to hear". Right.

However, the thing I will remember most about the book and my absolute favourite revelation is about Donatella Versace. Apparently, her Marlboros come directly from the factory in customised, Versace designed fag packets. Smoking Kills is replaced with a stylised DV logo. Brilliant!! It just says so much about the totally crazy and nonsensical world inhabited by celebrities.

In the UK we tend to forget that American celebrities are a breed of their own. They only mingle with each other and they only go out with each other. That's why it's such a scandal when Britney shags a nobody. How many other US Celeb couples can you name who aren't both famous? Its almost surreal when Christopher talks about Naomi, Demi, Sting, Kate, Gwyneth, Courtney... like no real people ever come into his sightlines. I guess that's probably why he felt, and still feels, like such an outsider.

I feel a bit sorry for him not just because he is so broke that a 'tell all' book is his only option, but that the tell-all book has actually already been told before, by people who say it so much better.

CASH IN BEFORE THE REAPER STRIKES

Nice fluffy story of the day goes to the cast of Dallas who are reuniting for a 30th anniversary party which will be open to the public.  Awww bless them.  There are 2 things I learned from this story.  One is that Larry 'JR' Hagman is 76 years old (I know!!) and the other is that a film version of Dallas is in production, with John Travolta as JR and Shirley MacLaine as Miss Ellie!  OMG! Why have I not heard about this before??  Delving deeper into the trivia, and wondering how Shirley MacLaine could possibly pass herself off as John Travolta's mother, I was shocked to find out that she is 72!  Amazing.  Maybe I'm being a bit age sensitive today, with yet another round of A level results reminding me I'm not a teenager any more.  In fact, it was 17 years - or exactly 50% of my life - ago that I was opening that very same envelope. 

So, good luck to the Dallas alumni and may they live to celebrate many more anniversaries.  I'm pleased to be old enough to remember the show at the height of its popularity and before it jumped the shark.

GIMME LESS

Britney on her new album: "I think it's more urban".  Oh good.  Just what the world needs.

STOP THE MADNESS

Oh and just to balance things out he's also on the cover of Heat saying he doesn't trust her. Nice. Enjoy your five minutes and good luck with the rest of your lives.

LE-YAWN

He calls it a 'treat and a trip' to be wearing designer clothes, but Leon X-Factor just can't even begin to look or sound interested.  And if he can't be bothered, why should we?  Jumping on the new series bandwagon, Heatworld.com have posted a moody black and white video of Leon at a photoshoot for his up and coming flop album.  It's worth a watch for the comedy value alone.  Bless him, someone needs to give him the Leona treatment.  While she might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, at least we can imagine her acting like a diva.  Leon on the other hand probably wouldn't mind washing up afterwards.  Humble is fine, but don't overdo it when there's nothing to be humble about.  I love the way he talks about 'keeping it real'.  Considering most people wouldn't recognise him in the street, I think he's doing a good job of that so far.

WANNABE THIN?

Geri is a funny creature.  One minute she's a Spice Girl, then a UN Ambassador, then a professional bulimic, then a Spice Girl again, then an author, and now... what?  Who knows.  She's back on the cover of Hello, flaunting her (pretty hot) 36 year old abs and talking about how we can get a body like hers.  Yeah yeah heard it all before.  Last time Geri tried to convince us that all we needed was Yoga and Tae Bo, she was actually scurrying around in George Michael's bins and injecting herself with sugar or something.  That's the think about crying thin-wolf, nobody believes you second time around.  Good on you Geri for being happy with yourself, but please don't turn round in a couple of years and tell us how you ate nothing but marmite for 3 weeks before the photoshoot.

MY NEW VIEW

East Beach, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

Oh and did I mention our new house is 1 minute 40 seconds walk from this? Just checking.

HOLLYSPOOKS

There's nothing worse than tarnishing a brand with a cheap spin off. Everyone should have learned that lesson by now. Did nobody hear of Baywatch Nights? Anyway, launched amid a pile of publicity came Spooks: Code 9. The BBC3 thing should have given it away. Rubbish. Such a disappointment from people who make one of my favourite programmes ever. They should be ashamed to call it Spooks anything. Lame acting, wafer thin plot that has been done before, and all round thumbs down. Cliche anyone? There's plenty to go around. Attractiveness does not make for a good show when it is supposed to be dealing with edgy issues. Save it for Hollyoaks. I give Spooks Code 9 a massive 1/10 and look forward to the real thing coming back in a couple of months.

CATFIGHT

My favourite 'headline' of the day, spotted at the gym on their rolling news ticker thing: "Dannii Minogue does not rule out future conflict with Cheryl Cole"

Well I for one will sleep better in my bed knowing that at some point in the future there might be a big hair pulling bitch fight on the X-Factor. Why is it so hard for the media to accept that actually 2 strong women might like each other rather than see the other as a vicious backstabbing bitch? I can't wait for the new X Factor and hope that Dannii and Cheryl can rise about the tabloid temptation to roll around on the floor biting each other. Although I'm sure some of the male viewers would pay to see that.

Look out for my new weekly X Factor blog starting this Saturday!

LOVE HER LOVE HER

I'm not going to spend any time writing a post about 'What's gone wrong with Kylie' because frankly it's been done already by an amazing guy called Peter Robinson has already done that (google it). Instead I'm going to agree with everything he said, and then say how pleased I am that someone in CampKylie finally woke up and made a stonking video for the album's final single "The One". In keeping with WGWWK of course the record company cancelled the single release and the video is only available online at kylie.com (natch) but I would urge you to go check it out because it's the first video she's done for ages where her stylist should be praised instead of shot. It's a stunning end to an awful campaign but at least she's going out on a high. The single even has a stomping Freemasons remix which you can download from iTunes if you so desire.

AND YOU'RE BACK IN THE ROOM

Ladies and Gents, boys and girls, we are back back back!!!!11!!1!!one!!

So many HOUSE MOVING HORROR stories to tell you but let's save that for later. For now, we'll begin with some good stuff.....

Hello, hello, good to be back etc. But not in a Gary Glitter way obviously.

Mr & Mrs

Mr & Mrs, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

Congratulations to the newlywed Mr & Mrs Marshall. Thanks for an excellent day x