My 2nd work of art :-)
Thursday 28 February 2008
TATE MODERN HERE I COME
I'm so pleased with myself tonight! My first ever work of art has arrived. Well, that's probably stretching the facts a bit too much, but it's a work of art to me. It started with a dull crappy photo that I took in New York last year.
After playing about with the amazing Aperture 2 (available from all Apple Stores) I came up with this, which I thought looked pretty cool.
I then trawled the internet and found www.printitoncanvas.co.uk who gave a totally brilliant customer experience. Send them the jpeg and they do a mock up version of what it will look like on canvas. One week later, ding dong!
It's now hanging proudly on the wall. I keep grinning to myself.
PETRA'S iWEDDING
Congratulations and lots of love to Petra and Richard who tied the knot in Gretna Green today. By the miracle of technology, we were all there!
Wednesday 27 February 2008
Tuesday 26 February 2008
iDEMAND AN iMAC
It seems like computers and the internet are becoming a more vital part of our everyday lives. Thank God! Finally, people are starting to realise this. So step forward City Inn and take a massive bow. This hotel chain have announced that every one of their hotel rooms now has its own iMac for guests to surf the net, check email, watch a DVD (*wink*) and do whatever it is people do on computers in hotel rooms. Bravo! I get so tired of hotels that have no Wi-Fi at all, or even worse those fuckers that charge £15 for 24 hours access. It's good to see that the needs of the guest are finally being acknowledged and that we want more than nice bathroom goods and a packet of shortbread. Big bonus points for choosing an iMac. I wonder if this will persuade many people to finally switch from window$ to Mac?
Now if only Starbucks would sort themselves out. One thing I love about Starbucks in the US is that they have power sockets everywhere, so people sit there on their laptops while they enjoy a coffee. Best of both worlds! Or all three if you also have a muffin. In this country we haven't quite caught up and people still feel a bit embarrassed about whipping out their machines in public. If you have the balls to do so, you will soon find that you have nowhere to plug in and that WiFi access in Starbucks costs a fucking fortune. So my high five of the day goes to these cheeky monkeys who attempted to make a point in their local Starbucks. Geek Power!
Saturday 23 February 2008
(RETAIL) THERAPY REQUIRED
I love a bit of shopping. Love love love it. Or rather I did until I started blogging, and then everything turn into 'potential content'. It kind of sucks the fun out of a trip to Bluewater. What do I mean? Well take a look at Exhibit A found in Waterstones.
Yes, they now have an entire section devoted to "Tragic Lives". How fucking awful. They could at least try to put a positive spin on it and say 'inspiring stories' or 'overcoming adversity' rather than labelling people as tragic. I was too disturbed to actually look at any of the books, but I imagine they are full of stories about child abuse, mental illness, disability and the like. Nice, cheerful stuff. As Jenny Eclair once put it "I was born with a club foot but now I disco dance for Sheffield". The kind of thing you would find in shit magazines like Take A Break. Still at least now it's brightly lit and signposted so that when life is getting us down, we're never far away from shelves of people who have crappier ones than us.
Then.... double horror in Top Man. Firstly, I am now officially too old to shop in Top Man. Everything is distressed or vintage or ugly. Mostly the latter. Yellow cardigans over electric blue t-shirts. Frayed waistcoats over ripped black shirts. Pink hoodies covered in black and white spirals. It's like their buyer is an 80s-Goth-Pirate with a sadistic streak. And another thing... the sizes. Now call me old fashioned but when I were a lad it was S, M, L and XL if you were exotic. Top Man seems to have discovered new dimensions (literally) and now it ranges from XXS (!!!!) to XXL. Seven different sizes. An XXS is for someone with a 32" chest. That's not a man. I had a 32" chest when I was about 11 years old for fuck sake. Either Top Man are encouraging eating disorders or the male population has shrunk drastically. Whatever, their clothes look shit and I would have to remove all my ribs to fit into them. Farewell Top Manorexia it's been a long lovely love affair but I'm calling it off. I've outgrown you. In every way!
WOW I WAS WRONG
Yum, humble pie. I watched the Brits finally. Kylie rocked! She looked the best I have seen in ages (great hair) and for a change wasn't dressed like a teenage hooker. The 'power rangers' actually looked great on a 40" screen! I take it back, Kylie was WOW.
For a review of the whole show, go here. I couldn't say it any better myself!
Friday 22 February 2008
PURE AND SIMPLE. MOSTLY SIMPLE.
Fucking celebrities get right on my tits sometimes. Take Myleene Klass. Please. She 'shot to fame' in distant dumpertastic band Hear'Say, and since they imploded she has obviously sold her soul to satan in return for a mediocre media career. The woman is a talented pianist, but she also does and awful lot of shit stuff on TV. Fair play to her, she's only trying to scrape a living like everyone else, but when stuff like this comes out it makes me want to pour boiling wax into my ears.
Thankfully it will only have a limited shelf life and be in the bargain bin on March 3rd. Unless of course there is a whole series planned? Myleene's music for fathers, obviously. Myleene's music for second cousins. Myleene's music for that funny uncle who used to smell of booze and ask you to jiggle about on his lap at weddings. Somehow I can't see Myleene's people having such a sense of humour. Otherwise her MUSIC FOR MOTHERS would have been a shortened version of the full title, and included tracks by Slipknot, Aphex Twin and Snoop Dogg.
Just when you think it can't get worse....
in which Myleene offers "practical advice, essential medical information and an honest account of what's in store for anyone expecting a baby". Well thank you Myleene but if someone wants medical information they should really talk to a midwife or doctor. And they are guaranteed to get much more honest accounts of what's in store simply by asking anyone who has ever had a baby. I bet Myleene's diary doesn't talk about the moment her vagina ripped and she shat herself in front of a room full of strangers.
ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST
Britney must be wondering where all the photographers went. The Sun gleefully reports today on how 'mad' Gazza was taking off in the back of a van (?), raving (!) and banging his head off the walls last night. Not just any old head though, but one on which he had 'scrawled' MAD after a psychotic episode - or "meltdown" in Sun terms - involving swearing plastic parrots. Now I don't want to get all preachy or anything but what the fuck is it about tabloids and mental health? They love it! Could you imagine them writing a similar article about someone having cancer? DYING star CARTED OFF in the back of an ambulance, HYSTERICALLY sobbing and vomiting DISEASED BLOOD.
I jest. It wouldn't all be so bloody awful if The Sun then didn't have a little "Gazza: Leave Your Tributes Here" box as if he had died. And then best of all, their closing line: Gazza's best mate Jimmy Five Bellies Gardner said "I don't know anything". Well that was worth printing.
Get well soon mate. Chuck on a nice pair of comedy tits and have a laugh.
Thursday 21 February 2008
GO GO POW-WOW RANGERS
I haven't watched the actual ceremony on TV yet, but as insomnia has visited me I have just drooled over a grainy YouTube video of Kylie at the Brits. It appears that she dressed up in a sparky-shit-green dress and wandered around a stage full of Power Rangers. She sang live (over pre-recorded vocals) and didn't really appear to have put an awful lot of planning into the performance. It might look better on a 40" screen and I of course reserve the right to change my mind totally and put up a post tomorrow called WOW I WAS WRONG but until then, I wonder if Ms Minogue has either started to get complacent, or is feeling the vibe that BraveKylie isn't enough to sell albums. Your thoughts?
Wednesday 20 February 2008
VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR
More good news in the world of tech today. The BBC has announced a version of their iPlayer (making the unmissable unmissable) for both the iPhone and iPod Touch. Now this in itself is a fairly minor issue, but for me it marks the beginning of what could completely change the way I watch TV. The Virgin version of Sky+ has already given me control over what I watch and when, but it's really just an easy to use VCR. What the iPlayer / iPhone combo will do is give me the ability to watch BBC programmes on my phone wherever I am. So it doesn't matter when it's actually on TV, I can watch it a few days later.
This is where things start changing! It's time for the consumer to take charge. Start a revolution etc!! Say "NO" I will not watch the programme when you show it, I will watch it when I bloody well want to.
Interesting times my loyal readers. Interesting times.
*INSERT ANGEL CHOIR*
Rejoice! No wait, be miserable. No... celebrate. Hold on.. cry. "What's going on?" I hear you ask. Well faithful follower, I'm happy to enlighten.
It's the 25th Anniversary DVD of The Five Doctors!! Yay! Mega Yay!! w00t!!! But hold on, 25 years? Twenty fucking five years? That means... I'm old. How on earth can I remember watching something on TV quarter of a century ago? Not just watching it, but videoing it and going over it again and again and again. The number of times I watched the scene with the Rassilon Warrior probably does indeed equal hot dinners. So it's with a mixture of total geek love and absolute horror that I look forward to owning this little piece of history.
Twenty Five years. Blimey.
Tuesday 19 February 2008
MOOD SWING
Funny what a difference a day makes. Talk about mr grumpy pants yesterday!! The world was a bad place. Today, the fog has cleared - metaphorically - and life feels good again. Let's just put it down to a moody monday.
Onwards and upwards!
Monday 18 February 2008
HUMBUG
Is it just me or is February a bit of a shit month? It feels like a long slog since the festivities of the festive season. Holidays are too far in the future to feel tangible. It's cold, foggy and miserable outside. The excess xmas pounds are taking longer than expected to shift. Money is tight. It's all a bit balls. Even the cat has taken to waiting for non-existent mice to pop out from under the dishwasher, living a life of excitement and danger that exists only in his little cat brain.
I hate February.
If you can think of anything to help snap me out of grumpy old man mode, feel free to get in touch. Otherwise it's going to be ranty blog posts all round for the foreseeable.
Wednesday 13 February 2008
Sunday 10 February 2008
OH HAI KITTEH
There are certain things I really can't stand and they usually take the form of cutesy photos. The kind that Anne Geddes does with tiny little babies wrapped in a lettuce leaf, or oh so sweet cats inspiring us to 'hang in there'. So, step forward LOLCATS... the insulin of the sweet photo world. Some of these are absolutely inspired. I am now on a mission to get my own LOLCAT photo published. Where has Robbie gone?
The first one is my absolute favourite!!
KERRY ON INSOLVENCY
Today's "news" that Kerry Katona is heading for bankruptcy comes as no surprise. Frankly I'm amazed she's lasted this long! As someone who sees her job as 'being famous' I would have thought the bank had ample opportunity to foreclose in the last 10 years. As someone who shot to fame in Atomic Kitten before quickly leaving and admitting she didn't sing a note, I find it hard to understand her appeal. Marrying the fat one from Westlife was a lazy move. Leaving him was stupid. Since then it's all just chaos and scandal, building a media image out of car crash moments and frightening near misses. And still, she's annoying and offensive. Take her latest column in OK magazine for example. Our lady of letters produces a classic sentence in every paragraph.
On Health Ledger: "I read that he wasn't sleeping very well. I've had insomnia before and it's the worst thing".
Yes, awful. Especially compared to death by accidental overdose.
On reality TV: "I think Big Brother should officially be over. I'm over reality shows. I know I'm doing this MTV reality show, but I don't think I'll be doing another one"
No! Could that be because nobody wants to see one?
On Amy Winehouse: "I'm glad she's gone into rehab. She should stay there until she's better"
Kind of stating the bloody obvious there don't you think?
On Lily Allen: "Lily had a miscarriage and that's sad. Obviously I've had a miscarriage scare with this one..."
WHAT? Obviously?? Scare??
On reality TV (II): "I would love to do Strictly Come Dancing if anyone out there is listening"
How cheap and desperate. Frankly Kerry, we're not listening.
Friday 8 February 2008
BEWARE OF THE DOG
Oh Jamelia. Why? You were doing so well. After gracefully bowing out of an increasingly hysterical music industry, and even surviving an appearance on Buzzcocks with some dignity, she's only gone and put her foot in it big time. Political Heavyweight Jamelia has come out fighting on the issue of street crime. Her solution? National Service and Capital Punishment. Big J thinks that there aren't enough deterrents to crime and that if a short stint in the army doesn't cure them, the electric chair certainly will.
Now, let's not start casting aspertions and, heaven forbid, tearing her argument apart. However. The evidence shows that most killings are opportunistic, heat of the moment affairs. Very few are planned or even considered in advance. In that case, how does a deterrent work? It doesn't.
So, mother of two Jamelia, why don't we use your children as a test case. As you wave them off to fight in some war torn hell hole, you can feel proud that at least they won't be hanging around Tescos drinking White Lightning and abusing pensioners. And hey, if the war doesn't kill them there's always old sparky should they fall off the straight and narrow.
Pop stars. They should stick to singing really.
HAS SHE OR HASN'T SHE?
Blogs and fansites are twittering around the globe. Today's hot topic? Madonna's face. For several weeks she has been seen at night wearing sunglasses which apparently is a tell tale sign of having 'work done' and hiding the bruises. Pah. She wouldn't be so shallow would she?
Remember that is the face of a 50 year old.
Thursday 7 February 2008
CHEER FOR CHER!!
wOOt to the power of a million! Cher is back! back!! back!!! Restoring the girl power balance to the world, Cher is back!! After her Farewell Tour ended and she snuck off to retirement the world was a duller place. So thank your lucky stars for the power of the dollar. Cher is playing Vegas baby! Apparently the stage show costs $60m and features some of the most technologically advanced features you'll see on a stage anywhere soon. Rejoice! This little monkey is sorely tempted to blow the budget and head for Vegas! Oh and she's 61 if you can believe that. Nice wig too.
GOODBYE. NO, REALLY. GOODBYE. HONESTLY.
So the Spice Bubble has burst once again, as the fearsome fivesome have pulled the plug on the rest of their world tour. As they say in their farewell YouTube video, thank you and goodnight. Apparently 'the meeja' have been saying some horrible things about them (shock) so they just wanted to set the record straight. Kids have to go to school, families come first etc etc. Now, the cynical reader may think actually, you've made shitloads of money by doing 17 concerts in London so why go to all the bother of traveling half way around the world for a few more shows. Or could it be that nowhere else in the world was that bothered about the return of Girl Power?
Whatever. It's kind of an anti-climactic end to what was big news and then kind of faded into the background pretty quickly. The demand for a new album obviously isn't there if the success of "Headlines" is anything to go by, so it seems like it's time to make a graceful exit and go roll on a duvet of £50 notes.
I'm glad they did it one more time. Their concert was amazing. It just seems a little sad that they couldn't even finish their own farewell tour.
Tuesday 5 February 2008
IS IT HUMAN?
As you may know, I'm not averse to a bit of airbrushing. A smoothing here, a tweaking there, a kind filter all over. But there comes a time to draw the line. And someone just stepped over it. Can you guess who this is?
Need a clue? Ok, I'll tell it to your heart. Yes kids, this is 80s foghorn Taylor Dayne! There is not a single line or flaw on her face! Her eyes have star sparkles in them! Her lips are pouty and deeeelicious! It's totally fake. I'm going to do a little experiment in the next few days and try to photoshop myself to look as good as she does!! Maybe even with big hair!!
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