Tuesday 23 December 2008
Ho Ho Man-Ho
Friday 19 December 2008
PICTURE THIS
Sunday 7 December 2008
BON VOYAGE
Friday 5 December 2008
Wednesday 3 December 2008
Friday 21 November 2008
SYMBOLICALLY SARAH
Wednesday 19 November 2008
Monday 17 November 2008
LIGHT UP
Friday 14 November 2008
SQUEAL
Monday 10 November 2008
KILL YOUR BLOG!
Tuesday 4 November 2008
LETTER TO AMERICA
Dear America,
Friday 31 October 2008
Thursday 30 October 2008
SUN, SKY AND SATANIC SLUTS
Oh how the world laughed when these idols fell off the pedestals we had so gracefully elevated them onto. It seems like 'celeb tipping' is the new Atkins. Everybody's doing it. Phillip Schofield gave Katona a shoulder swipe last week and has pretty much ruined her career, again. And yesterday saw the swift and lasting crucifixion of Russell Brand - a man who as far as I know has never promoted himself as anything but offensive. I've pretty much no idea what it's all about, other than it involves a lot of hot air being blown around but it has been fascinating over the last 24 hours to watch the celebrities being thrown to the lions. The fate of Ross is yet to be decided, but somehow I can't quite see the BBC let their golden boy fall on his sword.
Content of the 'issue' aside, it makes me ponder issues about the power of the press and news stations. While I see them as having a very simple function which is to report the news, increasingly they are influencing and shaping the news. Watch Sky News for anything longer than 15 minutes and you'll see how desperately they cling to a story, fanning the flames with a series of rabidly hysterical commentators. The Sun is no better. But we'll come to them later. While working in my little home office yesterday I had Sky News on in the other room for some background chatter. Their day started, like mine, a little slow and not very exciting. They were asking "Should Brand apologise?" which seemed fair enough. By mid-morning they were showing the interview with the Satanic Slut from the Satanic Sun who was asked the leading question "Should they lose their jobs?". Her hesitant "....errr yes" was turned into SACHS FAMILY SAYS SACK BRAND by Sky news within the hour. By lunchtime they had MP Nigel Evans saying Brand and Ross should be sacked. At the announcement of their suspension, it was the equivalent of driving a car into a bonfire. Rather than feeling satisfied and just, Sky asked "Should the BBC be held to account?" and invited ex-Sun editor Calvin McKenzie on to tell us all that "the entire structure and hierarchy of the BBC needed to be dismantled from top to bottom" because of this. Really? Seriously? But only 2 people complained about the Brand show when it was aired. It it hadn't been for all the media attention boosting that to 20,000 (still a minute number) nobody would care.
The Sky "news"reader almost spontaneously ejaculated when he heard they were going live to the home of Andrew Sachs, the innocent victim in this drama. Taking a leaf from the "Dick and Dom" school of interviews (see below), one particular journalist was determined to get his money shot. The interview went something like this...
Journo Scum: "How terrible are you feeling today?"
Sachs: "Ok actually"
Journo Scum: (Srsly? Oh..) "And how are you feeling about (menacing voice) Brand and Ross?"
Sachs: "Actually they have both written me lovely letters which I appreciate"
Journo: (shit) "Do you feel let down by the BBC?"
Sachs: "They are under a lot of pressure from competition, it's different from my days"
Journo: (Ha!) "So do you feel standards have slipped?"
Sachs: "No, standards have just changed"
Journo: (DESPERATE): "FOR THE WORSE??"
Sachs: "No, for the better in some cases"Journo: (OMFG!! NOOOO!) "So..... do you think they should apologise to your granddaughter"
Sachs: "Yes, I..."
Journo (WOO HOO) "Kthnxbai... and cut".
And then the next 'news bulletin' showed a heavily edited version where none of the positive bits were shown. It makes me crazy with anger!! The remaining player in this little drama is the Satanic Slut herself, Sach's Granddaughter. Within 24 hours The Sun have transformed her from innocent little wide-eyed victim girl to vampish sex mad temptress. Nice. Seems like she can say whatever she likes about Russell Brand with no fear of comeback. And funny how the Sun videos of her started out yesterday looking like this, shot on a mobile phone in someone's office:
to this.
I depair at times, when we are constantly told DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT SAYS by the media who then tell us what they want us to believe anyway. The news creates the news, and it hurts my head to think about what is true and what isn't. By yesterday evening when Russell Brand resigned from the BBC, there was no sign of this story losing momentum. I wonder how the original 2 complainants are feeling. I wonder how the Satanic Slut is feeling. I wonder if the head of Sky News or the editor of The Sun have any feelings?
Tuesday 28 October 2008
MEH.
Bear with me. Genius demands patience.
We'll be right back, after this short break.
Saturday 25 October 2008
DOUBLE OH
Thursday 23 October 2008
Wednesday 22 October 2008
DOM-HEAD
So the one from Dick & Dom who isn't Ant or Dec or Dick has appeared in the Sun today under one of those MY DRUGS SHAME headines. He was filmed, on a mobile phone, outside a nightclub while smoking a fag and being a bit pissed. Frankly, I don't care about him at all. I like Dick & Dom, but in the grand scheme of things he's fairly irrelevant. What REALLY annoys me is Citizen Manc-Lad Journalist who decides to use his crappy Nokia to turn this into a money making opportunity. Suddenly he becomes all Jeremy Kyle. It reminded me of the bit in Bridget Jones when she is talking to the police about her parents and finds herself using words like 'Caucasian'.
Tuesday 21 October 2008
OH PULEEEZE
Monday 20 October 2008
MEANWHILE ON PLANET X
Sunday 19 October 2008
A.K.A.
WHO?
GLOBAL WARMING
What's going on with the weather? Today, in October, I was wandering around with a t-shirt on, feeling a bit warm. Is this Summer?
This afternoon I met up with a bunch of strangers and took photos of Southend Pier. It was great. I loved it. People who take photos rock.
See them all at www.flickr.com/photos/paulmonkeypaul
Saturday 18 October 2008
Monday 13 October 2008
HAPPY 2009
SUPERCYNDI
So on Friday we headed oop north to Manchester for a night in a posh hotel and a concert by Cyndi Lauper. Most peoples' reaction to that was "is she still around", but hopefully faithful Monkey followers will know that I've been raving about her new album for almost 6 months. If you haven't bought it, do it now. Go on. Now. It's called Bring Ya To The Brink and it's everything that Madonna should have been doing for the last 5 years.
Concerts are something I do a lot, like a hobby. I tend to stick to fairly mainstream acts but am prepared to give most things a go. I am, however, beginning to appreciate that there are different perspectives on what makes someone a succesful artist or musician. Take Madonna for example. She's huge. Probably the biggest star in the world today in terms of longevity and popularity over time. Her concerts have been getting progressively larger in scale over recent years. Her Sticky & Sweet Tour which has just ended its European leg is her first stadium tour since 1993. She is playing to audiences of 100,000 people at a time, and charging up to £400 a ticket.
Cyndi on the other hand has not 'enjoyed' the same level of success as Madonna since the 80's. She has continued to make music albeit on a more personal level. Her last few albums have been a mixture of acoustic, rave and latin sounds which showcase her voice to its best effect. Her concert last night at Machester's Bridgewater Hall was a small intimate affair with a few hundred people in the audience. £35 for 5th row tickets. So who is more succesful?
While Madonna seems to be intent on putting as much distance (physical and emotional) between her and her fans as humanly possible, Cyndi takes a different path. For several of the songs she jumped off the stage and actually sat with the audience, kicking people out of their seats and getting down with her fans. She made it her job to connect with us, and she did it with style. She wore her heart on her sleeve and for the first time in my life made me cry during a concert! The only time Madonna came close to that was when we realised how much we had paid for awful seats.
To me, success is not about scale any more. It's not about how many stadiums you can fill and how much you can charge for a ticket. It's not about how many dates you play and how many people sleep on the streets for the best seats. In the days of digital downloads and at a time when MTV no longer plays music on its main channel, it's more important than ever for musicians and performers to touch us with their human side. Soon we'll have robots in our homes. We don't need them on our stages.
Cyndi, I salute you. The show ranks up there as one of the best gigs I've ever been to, and reminds me of how music can lift you up, throw you around, break your heart and make it better again.
There are still opportunities to see her in the UK and Europe over the next couple of months. Run, don't walk.
UPDATE: The Guardian interviews Cyndi here
Thursday 9 October 2008
GO GLORIA
Selecting Sarah Palin, who was touted all summer by Rush Limbaugh, is no way to attract most women, including die-hard Clinton supporters. Palin shares nothing but a chromosome with Clinton. Her down-home, divisive and deceptive speech did nothing to cosmeticize a Republican convention that has more than twice as many male delegates as female, a presidential candidate who is owned and operated by the right wing and a platform that opposes pretty much everything Clinton's candidacy stood for -- and that
Barack Obama's still does.
Wednesday 8 October 2008
IT'S BRITNEY YOU BITCHES
Tuesday 7 October 2008
HONEY TO THE B-LIST
However there is a fly in my X Factor ointment. And it's name is Austin. I couldn't believe he got through ahead of Mali and the northernmunki one with foster parents. There's something about Austin that's just makes me want to shout WEASEL at the screen. The man is a complete fame-whore. I can't believe that nobody has mentioned the fact that "Austin" once went under the name of "Chloe" in the supershit reality show Boys Will Be Girls. In said show, Nathan from Brother Beyond got a group of boys together and tried to pass them off as a girl group. Paging Dr Freud. Need to refresh your memory? Click it and weep.
IS IT TUESDAY ALREADY?
And for those of you who still can't make out that Photoshopped face below, it's none other than Christina 'Xtina' Aguilera. Seriously! How sad that a successful young woman is presented to the world in such a manipulated way.
Anyway, back to the inbox........
Thursday 2 October 2008
Monday 29 September 2008
5 THINGS I LEARNED TODAY
1. The world financial crisis is going to get a hell of a whole lot worse before it gets better. Like really bad. As in, so glad we didn't buy a house.
2. Nadine from Girls Aloud lives permanently in LA where she runs a candle shop. Srsly.
3. Posh has totally jumped the shark by wearing 'those' shoes
4. The woman who does Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live is actually better than the real thing, especially when she goes 'pew pew' and makes gun shapes with her fingers.
5. Apparently the number one film that most men cry at is ET. Strangely enough, number eight is Babe.
So does that mean I don't have to learn anything for the next 4 days?
Saturday 27 September 2008
MELT RIGHT NOW
Friday 26 September 2008
SUDDENLY SARAH
Thursday 25 September 2008
WILL YUM
So tonight was the launch of Will Young's new album with an intimate little show at Cadogan Hall in London. Really nice venue, apparently home to the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. Bit of a different crowd in there tonight I would imagine. My stereotypes were challenged by the fact the audience was 95% women in their 40s. We had fantastic seats, Row A, although I was disappointed that Row A isn't the first row. For some reason it went AA-DD then A. Anyway, we had a brilliant view and managed to get some nice photos.
Will was his usual lovely, charming, self-deprecating self. It's hard to believe that he's actually one of those Reality TV alumni. Did someone say Alex Parks? If tonight is anything to go by, his 4th album which comes out on Monday is a very grown up, moody affair. I can't wait!
A very pleasant evening indeed.
OK LET'S GO THERE
Saturday 20 September 2008
BACK IN THE ROOM
Monday 8 September 2008
THANK YOU
....hello / thinking of you / so sorry / what can I do / call me any time / it will get better / don't know what to say / sending you love....
every single word helped.
Monday 1 September 2008
OUTDONE
Here's a snippet, describing the preview for an upcoming episode:
"Next week: scary woman, another scary woman, another scary woman, crying woman, scary man, another crying woman, toothless old woman with a ladyboner for Louis, some woman who I'm guessing doesn't understand what "stupefied" means."
I have been wandering around work today trying (and failing) to stop smirking about the term 'ladyboner'. I can't wait to use it in conversation.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL
Even if US politics doesn't interest you, I'd recommend listening to a selection of the speeches made last week at the Democrat convention. They are all free on iTunes and you can choose from Michelle Obama (brought a tear to my eye), Hillary (should have won), Bill Clinton (so cool) and the man himself B-Ob (sadly a bit disappointing at first but once warmed up got me all goosepimply).
The next couple of months will probably get unbearably schmaltzy, but hey it's better than "Yes Darling" going on about how shit life is going to be for us all and there's nothing we can do about it. I'd rather hear speeches about hopes and dreams any day.
Sunday 31 August 2008
HERE THEY COME
Keep an eye out for other losers. First person to spot one wins a copy of Andy Abraham's greatest hits.
BACK ON THE GRUEL AGAIN
So there are only 3 full months left until we go to Gran Canaria. Great if you are looking forward to sun, fun and relaxation but not so fantastic when those skimpy little trunks from 2 years ago strain and scream at the thought of your thighs being crammed in.
So, here we go again. It's time to face the music.
Once again it's back to healthy eating. No more junk. Say it with me! No more junk! God it's so hard. Maybe I should just start smoking again. Cafes like Stop The World in Leigh will have to be shut down for the next 3 months. Their Millionaire Shortbread is made by St Peter. Starbucks will have to ban me. Waitrose will have to declare their bakery section out of bounds.
Still it's been fun while it lasted. My red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting were fucking amazing yesterday. I shall miss them.
Saturday 30 August 2008
CR3D1B1L1T3 0
Friday 29 August 2008
STORM IN A TEACUP
Why not read through the statements below to see if any of them relate to you?
- Have you ever tried to control or cut down the amount of sex you have?
- Have you ever had sex with someone you didn't want to have sex with?
- Do you need a sexual relationship to make your life bearable?
- Do you become anxious or even desperate when you are away from your partner?
- Do you engage in sexual practices that bring you discomfort or pain?
- Do you feel that life would be meaningless without a sexual relationship?
- Do you spend a lot of time thinking about sex?
- Do you feel uncomfortable about masturbation?
- Have ever had an important relationship ruined through affairs etc?
- Are you unable to concentrate on other aspects of your life because of thoughts of sex?
- Do you feel that you lack dignity and completeness?
- Would your quality of life improve if you were not so driven by sex and romance?
It's such a cool thing to suffer from isn't it. On the scale of cool addictions, it's probably up there at the top. Drug addiction is a mixed bag, cool if it's Kate Moss and not if it's Pete Doherty. Alcohol addiction is just grubby. But to be a Sex Addict? That's practically a badge of honour.
Good luck with rehab Dave. If you fancy a relapse give me a call.
Tuesday 26 August 2008
QUESTION
Curious.
HURLING SHOES AT CLOUDS
Take this comment someone left on one of my Westlife concert videos: "lol mark went wrong. lol!!!! he said im the sunshine which is the other verse. and then shane and him looked at each other. hahahaha". Seriously.
And this from one of my clips of Madonna’s concert at the weekend: "She completely encourged the new Cold War by the ideological way. As an international peace keeper, I completely opposite her STUPID opinion and provoking behavior for different cultures and human beings in the earth, though I was her fan at past. By the way, why doesn't she dare to shame Russian?" Quite.
Harmless fun. However, what happens when people get personal. What happens when a faceless font makes your blood boil?
I’m currently cyber-wrestling with a particular, let’s call him, “troll” on a certain singer’s forum, and it’s doing my head in. It’s nothing important really and I am trying to rationalise it in my head and use my braincells more productively rather than trying to come up with interesting ways to boil this man’s head. The basic premise is, after attending a ‘certain’ concert at the weekend, I posted a message on a forum saying pretty much what I’m about to say in the next post here. It was what I considered to be a pretty balanced review, coming from a slightly disappointed punter. It’s my opinion. Feelings, not facts. Mr Troll decided to reply in what I can only describe as shrieking tones, saying how wrong I was and that nobody should listen and that this was the best show ever OMG it wuz amaaaaazin LOLZ !!!one!! etc. Think “leave Britney alone” but from a man slightly more orange. I’m glad he enjoyed the show and that it made such an impact. It’s kind of how I wish I felt about it really. But his complete lack of ability to see anything from anyone elses’ point of view has wound me up good and proper. Other people who shared my view are similarly castrated with his cutting quips. He has started to leave lines and lines of text that just says “bleat bleat bleat” to anyone who disagrees with his opinion.
I’m getting overexcited again, and starting to come up with inventive ways to use him in a recipe, so let’s get back to the point.
For every lovely person out there who interacts with me online (you know who you are, thank you!) there are others who are going to be complete arseholes. I just need to accept it. Whether it’s an online forum, a blog, a comment on a YouTube video, I have to just accept that people say things for their benefit, not mine. It’s a one way conversation. It’s the equivalent of a drive-by shouting. As I usually do in my head, I now publicly leave it to Charlie Brooker to describe so eloquently the concept I have clumsily been trying to describe. I take some comfort knowing that it’s not just me who rages at the machine.
“There's no point debating anything online. You might as well hurl shoes in the air to knock clouds from the sky. The internet's perfect for all manner of things, but productive discussion ain't one of them. It provides scant room for debate and infinite opportunities for fruitless point-scoring: the heady combination of perceived anonymity, gestated responses, random heckling and a notional "live audience" quickly conspire to create a "perfect storm" of perpetual bickering.”
Thanks for listening, and for your kind comments J
Sunday 24 August 2008
REVIEW: MADONNA LIVE
My in depth review of Madonna's Sticky & Sweet Tour 2008, opening night at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium.
"Ok."
Thursday 21 August 2008
IT'S BRITNEY, BITCHES
Anyway, some clever dick has managed to take concert footage of Britney and isolate her live feed from the mixing desk. Guess what? It's not good. Poor Britney.
So, and I say it with a heavy heart, here she is in all her glory. Or not.
DON'T MESS WITH HER
I absolutely love Roseanne, she's mad as a box of frogs. I particularly like the fact that she still has an outlet, through her blog, to speak her mind and comment on the injust and insane. Have a look at roseanneworld.com to read her latest battle of words with John Voight which is turning really nasty. He must have a big pair of balls to take on Roseanne. She's always been one of my favourite celebrities, and her autobiography "My Lives" is a book I would happily buy for every one of my friends and family to read. Far from being mad, Roseanne is insightful, cutting and obviously a very funny and talented writer. I was lucky to see her doing live stand up a couple of years ago, and while there's a sense of bitterness in her after the American public and media fell out of love with Roseanne, nobody can doubt the impact she has had on not just popular culture but the role of women in comedy altogether.
So Roseanne, keep on writing and keep on shaking things up. And if you would like to go on tour again I'd happily put some ticket money your way!
QUESTION OF THE DAY
Wednesday 20 August 2008
INSIDE HEAVEN
So a guy from Hull gets his new iPhone home and switches it on for the first time. After the general feeling of amazement wears off, he looks through the settings and notices that there are already some photos saved in his library. Some cheeky chappies in China thought it would be a bit of a laugh to take some snaps of each other as a little welcome gift.
So cool. Ok, so she is totally fired, but what a way to go. Global fame for her, and a sneaky peek into the world of iPhone assembly for the rest of us. I think that's what they call win-win.
Oh, and if there's a job going....
WORSHIP HIM
One of my favourite little webhaunts is the blog of Hugh Macleod, best known for his cartoons on the back of a business card. They cover various genres from satirical, technological, observational and sometimes just plain rude / emotional. You should check him out at www.gapingvoid.com and spread the word about his brilliant work. I would love him to doodle on the back of my business card!
Tuesday 19 August 2008
MONKEY HEARTS WY
Enjoy!
Monday 18 August 2008
RELIGHT MY FIRE
I've tried to resist talking about smoking on the blog, as I realise just how difficult it is for an ex-smoker to ever have anything unbiased to say about it. I'm now almost 11 months fag free, and while I occasionally miss it and despite the extra spare tyre, I really can't imagine ever going back to it. But, if I was told I had a terminal disease would I just think to hell with it and rush out for a pack of Marlboro? It's a tempting thought. With distance and clarity from cigarettes I can see how absolutely absurd the whole thing is, but if I knew I had nothing to lose I might just spark up for old times sake. So I kind of feel a bit sorry for Patrick Swayze getting a bashing in the press for smoking while he's battling pancreatic cancer. Yes so he's probably not helping himself by doing it, but who are we to judge what he does with his life. If I were him right now, the only thing I'd be doing is making an appointment for a bit of botox. Rugged is fine, but what exactly is that between his eyebrows? Is he sponsored by Mercedes? Lots of positive wishes for him and his recovery. Negative press is hardly helpful is it!
Sunday 17 August 2008
Saturday 16 August 2008
XBLOG WEEK 1
First off, how much are we loving Cheryl Cole? Way much. Not only is she stunningly pretty but she also seems 'real' and genuinely nice. My only complaint is that I couldn't keep up with all her changing hairstyles and amazing outfits. I felt like an autistic kid being forced to watch fireworks on LSD. Cheryl worringly manages to make Dannii look chunky and probably has far too much hair, but we can forgive her for that. Or anything. Dannii spent episode 1 looking like she had conjuntivitis and there was no explanation for her mysteriously late arrival to one of the auditions. Why even mention it? It's not like the show is edited in a way that we can keep track with which audition is happening in chronological order.
I know the X Factor is awful, and I totally agreed with Ricky Gervais when he wrote that amazing speech in Extras that talked about how entertainment has reached the depths of parading morons in front of millionaires to be humiliated in front of millions. And on an ethical level I totally agree. But somehow this week there managed to be an element of real pathos when one of Cheryl's ex auditionees showed her how far she had come and how little he had moved on. Ok it was probably all set up and the producers were probably only able to convince him to do it if he got a story in Hello next week, but at the time it was moving. Cheryl must have counted her blessings and hugged her rich footballer husband a little tighter that night.
Anyway, the auditions are just a freakshow and for the next few weeks we'll be subjected to many more sob stories like the 13 years old mother with 5 children (which is going to be a hard one to top). Lame Award this week has to go to the 16 year old from Bridgend who had a bit of Coldplay in the background because she comes from a place where a few teenagers killed themselves. And? I come from the place Annie Lennox was born but it doesn't mean I can sing Sweet Dreams without the neighbours checking for lawnmowered cats.
Other points of interest this week: Have Simon's lips got thinner? When will Dermot do the decent thing and shave his head? Why did the crowd in Wales sound like they were saying "Wales has scotch eggs faster", and just how bloody ridiculous was it to fill the o2 arena with auditionees? That place holds 23,000 people. Even if each audition lasted 30 seconds it would take 49.62 days to get through everyone.
Suggestions are required for the X-Factor Drinking Game. I'm going to start it off with 2 fingers for every time Dannii does an exaggerated "Wooooooahhhwwww" scream thing.
BIRTHDAY, CELEBRATE, BE SO NICE
DaysToAmaze.Com has a list of unforgettable birthday gifts for someone turning 50 that include feeding Lemurs, a session of hypnotherapy or a sterling silver Love Heart. Somehow I doubt whether a certain 50 year old is today unwrapping any of those experiences. Yes ladies and gents, Lady Madonna turns 50 today so with a big party hooter and a handful of jabby plastic confetti let's celebrate this momentus day.
Love or hate sentences that start with love or hate, nobody can deny Madonna's influence on the last couple of pop culture decades. Sadly, that influence seems to have waned in recent years and she is starting to become a bit of a curiosity rather than a musician. 80s album sales of 24 million now hover round the 1 million mark, which in todays market is ok but nothing to base a legacy on. However, it's easy to start shooting in her particular barrel. Let's not forget that fact that the woman has sold a hundred million more albums than I ever will, and inspired countless people around the world. Like me. I can honestly say Madonna changed my life (and not in a Jerry Springer way) when at the age of 1 I hopped on a plane from Aberdeen to London and saw the Blond Ambition Tour at Wembley Stadium. It was my first ever visit to London and within a year I had moved there for good. I have a nagging feeling that without Blond Ambition I might still be living in Scotland right now.
So let's raise a glass of Kaballah water and toast a true legend. Now, Madonna, you better live up to that status next weekend in Cardiff. Happy Birthday Madge!
X FACTOR
In case like me you are over 15, you may have missed the fact that Channel 4 have now launched their own music channel, 4music. How many channels do they need? Between C4, E4, More4, E4+1, 4Music -3+4... it's all a little confusing. So in that confusion you may have not realised that they launched the channel with an exclusive showing of Kylie's X2008 Tour from the O2 arena. And after seeing it for a second time, it just reconfirms everything I thought when I saw it live. Kylie rocks! I know it's not cool to like Kylie, and that she has a patchy history of good / bad moments but if there are any doubters or fence sitters out there, check out the concert. It's repeated again on Channel 4 (and therefore Channel4 HD and Channel 4+1) on August 24th. Check local listings for details.
Even though they have chopped several songs, it's 2 hours well spent in good company. As I said before, and I'll say again, Madonna's £150 stadium ticket (next week!) better blow the socks off Kylie's £50 second row 2 hour show. But I'm not sure it will.....
Friday 15 August 2008
ANGRY FROM SHOEBURY
Royal Mail
Mail redirection set up 3 weeks before we moved, kicking in on moving day. Two weeks after moving day, mail is still going to old address. Three calls to customer services so far. No positive resolution in sight. Angry email sent today.
BT
Eventually came good after involving an insider friend and angry emails to the Chief Exec on the hour every hour for 3 days. Shame it took 3 weeks of stress, confusion and terrible service to get us to the point of someone listening. Orders cancelled, services delayed, and we weren't even customers at the time!
The Pier
Lovely furniture shop, terrible systems. Ordered bedroom furniture a week before we moved. Three weeks later, wrong stuff arrives. Still sitting here, unopened, waiting to be collected. Delivery of correct furniture still to be confirmed. Fail.
Virgin Media
When asking them to collect their cable equipment at a time that was good for me, I felt like I was asking the customer services rep to eat the contents of his rectum. Eventually, after replying to every statement he made with a simple "no" and threatening with formal complaint, they agreed to collect at a time that was suitable for me, not them. Why not just do that in the first place?
Southend Council
E-Gov hasn't quite caught on. Filling in their online change of details form for council tax resulted in a snotty email from a "Miss Jones" telling me I had done it too early and would need to phone them and do it all again in 2 weeks time. An even snottier reply from me resulted in an apology and positive outcome. Take that, Miss Jones.
DVLA
Option 1: Fill in bottom of driving licence and send back for change of address. Option 2, do it all online and save time. WRONG. Option 2 took 35 minutes to complete after having to register details several times and give evidence of identity via passport agency. Last page: Thanks for your details, now please fill in the bottom of your licence and send it back. What?? File that one under pointless waste of time.
So you get my drift. It's no wonder moving house is so stressful when day after day you have to battle muppet after muppet trying to make things complicated. What I've really come to learn over the last few weeks is that you never really deal with a company, just an individual. That one person can either make things better or make things worse. They never have no impact. It's sad that the people entrusted with the reputation and power of customer services are usually the ones paid and treated worst in the organisation. Memo to Chief Execs: it shows.
But just to balance things out I want to give massive thumbs up to two companies. Monarch Removals were like ninjas in purple t-shirts and moved the whole house for us in less than 3 hours. Their professionalism and efforts were completely amazing. Sky TV were also brilliant, even faced with an 'unconventional' installation the engineer stood out in the rain and wouldn't give up until everything worked. Those 2 companies are literally the only ones who gave us flawless service during the move.
It's bloody exhausting trying to give companies your money! Some of them obviously just don't want it. Oh and if I ever say I'm moving house again, shoot me.
Thursday 14 August 2008
WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING
What did I learn? About Madonna, not much. It pretty much confirms everything that people believe anyway: she's a control freak, she exploits people, she has used people to get where she is. Ok. Next. The allegations of Guy Richie's rampant homophobia are shocking but not surprising. The two things that shocked me most of all about the book were kind of nothing to do with Madonna really. One was that no matter how badly he is treated by her, Christopher always forgives her and goes back for more, then complains that he went back for more. Victim. He throws scorn on Madonna for surrounding herself with sycophants and yes-men, while simultaneously saying "I go to see Dick Tracy. It's awful and Madonna is terrible in it but I tell her I love it and she's great because that's what she wants to hear". Right.
However, the thing I will remember most about the book and my absolute favourite revelation is about Donatella Versace. Apparently, her Marlboros come directly from the factory in customised, Versace designed fag packets. Smoking Kills is replaced with a stylised DV logo. Brilliant!! It just says so much about the totally crazy and nonsensical world inhabited by celebrities.
In the UK we tend to forget that American celebrities are a breed of their own. They only mingle with each other and they only go out with each other. That's why it's such a scandal when Britney shags a nobody. How many other US Celeb couples can you name who aren't both famous? Its almost surreal when Christopher talks about Naomi, Demi, Sting, Kate, Gwyneth, Courtney... like no real people ever come into his sightlines. I guess that's probably why he felt, and still feels, like such an outsider.
I feel a bit sorry for him not just because he is so broke that a 'tell all' book is his only option, but that the tell-all book has actually already been told before, by people who say it so much better.
CASH IN BEFORE THE REAPER STRIKES
So, good luck to the Dallas alumni and may they live to celebrate many more anniversaries. I'm pleased to be old enough to remember the show at the height of its popularity and before it jumped the shark.