GIFT WRAPPED KIT-KATS

This has got to be watched. 5 skinny women talking about chocolate. Nothing to do with the fact that Kit Kat are sponsoring their tour then. I'm trying not to be reminded of Anthea Turner's FlakeGate.  My favourite parts are:

The ginger one saying she doesn't really eat chocolate.

The irish one saying something in swahili.  Honestly what does she sound like?

The fact that Cheryl calls chocolate 'a woman thing'.

I do find it really bizarre that the media are so OBSESSED with womens' bodies, yet only women are used to advertise chocolate.  Can you think of ANY chocolate advert featuring only men, with no reference to women?  Yorkie?  Not for girls.  Maltesers?  Women talking about topless man.  Any time there is a man in a chocolate ad, women are either there or mentioned.  Whereas when women are used, it's always when they are alone, or stealing it from their friends without being noticed.  It's like a guilty little secret.  Flake in the bath.  Stealing jaffa cakes.  Fighting with your (jealous bitch) friends over the last Cadbury's chocolate pringle thing.

Anyone work in advertising?  Please explain what this is all about.  I don't get it.

Until then, sit back and enjoy a gorgeous Kit Kat Senseo or whatever girly name they have given it.  If it was aimed at men it would probably be called the Kit Kat Destructo or Kit Kat Testostero.

Rant over.  Can you tell I have given up chocolate for a month?  Does it show?

BELLY GONNA GETCHA

2 days back at the gym and already the excesses of easter are fading from memory.  Shame the love handles aren't shifting quite so fast.  Still, I'm a man so at least I am protected from the whole body facism that is aimed at women by a hostile tabloid media.  

*ZOINKS*

Cut to today's Daily Mail.  Not one, but two (TWO) stories about men "fighting the flab".  First is a fairly lame story - aren't they all - based around a pap photo of Peter Andre running with his personal trainer.

 Now he may not have the six pack that is always dragged up from the 90s, but Peter Andre is hardly "battling the bulge" as the Mail describes.  Not being the brightest bulb in the box, Mr Andre then justifies his existence as a celebrity by yapping on about how he needs to stay in shape to keep up with Jordan, and that he's not having liposuction but instead doing it the hard way.  Good on you Peter.  You're just like us.

Apparently, so is Jeremy Clarkson.  The Daily Mail delights in printing 5 topless photos of Jeremy (FIVE!!) just so they can comment on his belly.  The man is 46, incredibly successful and no doubt doesn't give a damn but still he makes for a strange target on the issue of the body beautiful.

The saving grace of this whole sorry post is the third male belly photo from today's Daily Mail.  They are not quite sure how to deal with this one though, as the man is pregnant. Maybe the journalist was a bit tired, as the article is surprisingly hate free.  The story concerns Thomas Beatie, born a woman and gender reassigned into maledom.  Thomas decided to keep his reproductive organs and is now with child.  Legally a man, married to a woman, the baby will be born into a 'normal' family.  But not quite.  Aside from the fact that Thomas and his wife are absolutely delighted, I take extreme pleasure in the fact that this story must be causing right wingers much angst.  I guess they will get around it by saying "not a real man" but until they do, I for one say hooray for this particular male belly!

Read an interview with Thomas here

SQUEAALLLLL!!!!

 

PASS THE INSULIN

This little monkey was very lucky indeed, being the recipient of a Hotel Chocolat Easter Egg for 2008.  Yum!  Thick chocolate, caramel, mini bunnies... mmmm.  

I wish easter would end!  I can't take any more chocolate.  After a week off work, abstention from the gym for 7 days and lots of junk food, my body is in a worse physical state than Stephen Hawkins.  It's a temple alright.  Ruined.  

Still, it gives me renewed determination to get my pre-giving-up-smoking body back again.  I'm doing that usual "as from Monday" thing.  Although technically it's a bank holiday so.. as from Tuesday... it's back to the gym.  No more chocolate. 5 a day.  Discipline.  Strength.  

But hey ho until then there's egg to finish and tv to watch.  After all, besides the crucifixion of jesus that's what Easter is all about.

Cheers!

ACHIEVABLE REALISTIC GOALS

Fancy a body like Sean's?

How much did you have to work out?

Four hours a day, eating seven times a day with protein shakes. In between takes I'd have to go to the workout tent and it was pretty relentless and really hard work. I had a nutritionist and a few trainers - it was pretty full-on.

HENRYOAKS

I arrived at the party a little late, but oh what a climax!  I am talking about The Tudors, or as I like to call it, Henryoaks.  With as much historical accuracy as the Ministry of Truth will allow, this series has totally captivated my attention recently.  Yes, I know its more like Footballers Wives than Panorama but it's a great story with gorgeous costumes and enough overacting to put Dallas to shame.  And the men are hot!  Kitty claw grrrr!

Those kind people at Showtime have put the first episode of series 2 online, but it takes a bit of digging to find.  Click here  and ye shall be downe-loading it forthwith.

MACHIAVELLI IS ALIVE AND WELL

The world of entertainment is a bizarre place.  When I grew up, I used to think that people who made music did it because they loved it.  Those in the 'record industry' were there as benevolent mentors to steer their charges to greatness.  Creativity was encouraged and music was the food of love.  Play on.

Fast forward 20 years.  I think something serious happened the other day.  It looked like this.

You may think it's just an innocent scene, but dear readers the devil himself is at work here.  Oh yes.  Simon Cowell, one of the richest and most influential people in entertainment appeared on the Oprah show.  Oprah is one of the richest and most influential people in entertainment.  Between them, they have a pretty strong grip on the attitudes and buying power of their fans and followers.   Simon was on the show to promote American Idol.  While he was there, he happened to also give away £80,000 of his own money to pay off the mortgage of a family who are caring for a sick child.  It looks better in dollars: $162,000.  By doing this random act of kindness, Simon has ensured that the Oprah show has hit the headlines around the world.  Mr Nasty has a soft side.  Massive publicity.  People are watching the programme on Oprah.com, YouTube... all because he has done something nobody thought him capable of.

Or at least thats what we are supposed to believe.

While he was there, Simon also took the time to introduce a certain Leona Lewis to the Oprah show.  Number of viewers: 13 million.  Leona gets wheeled out, sings her song (amazingly as usual.. this is not a Leona bashing post I think she is a great singer).  Oprah then gushes about how amazing Leona is.  Simon calls her the nicest person he has ever met.  

What happens on US iTunes within 24 hours?

Now, that's great for Leona who I am absolutely sure is making just as much money as Simon Cowell.  I am sure she gets a bigger % of sales than he does.  Actually, I don't believe that at all.  Through her appearance on Oprah and subsequent sales, Simon has probably had the £80,000 paid back several times over.

Still, it's a win-win-win-win situation so who am I to complain.

BURN THE ONE LEGGED WITCH

...or at least that's what the tabloids might as well say.  They have been hinting at it for so long I'm surprised their heads haven't just turned purple with rage and popped by now.

As usual I'm amazed by the amount of hate that humanity is capable of.  Poor Heather M-M, walking away with over £20m got one final shoeing in the press and is guaranteed never to rest in peace again.  Whoever she marries next better have big balls and a small bank account or the press will go to town.  

So after printing photos of her like this 

and The Scum today running a bizzare and irrelevant poll...

...I thought I would delve beneath the headlines and read the full transcript of the Judge's comments.  Half way through I questioned what on earth I was doing.  This was the details (albeit public) of a messy and painful divorce.  What the hell has it got to do with me?  It really made me question how this is 'news', and how anyones' lives can really be improved by this.  Particularly the 4 year old daughter.  It all made me feel quite grubby.  

I have a morbid fascination with the tabloid press. On one hand I find it entertaining and amusing, a bit of fluff.  On the other, it really disturbs me that they have the power to effectively demonise someone and ruin their lives.  For what?  Profit.  The scarier the headline, the more sales.  Inflated claims?  Increased circulation.  The journalists probably couldn't care less about the McCartneys.  Why would they?  All the papers care about is making money for themselves by getting mugs like us to buy them, convincing us that we need to know the details of a sad divorce.  I really need to consider what I am doing every time I buy a copy of The Sun.

I would like to add my own 2p worth by highlighting a paragraph from the statement that I am pretty sure won't be printed in ANY tabloid.

HOLIDAY CELEBRATE

Ahhh annual leave is such a blessing. Time off with nothing to do. To
mark the first day of holidays yesterday I only got dressed to do a
quick house viewing and then it was straight back into PJs. Didn't
like the house btw was just out of interest. The rest of Monday was
spent pkaying about with photos, watching The Tudors (new obsession)
and eating.

Today we are off for a mooch around London. Because we can. Bliss!

Sent from my iPhone

GAYWATCH

This post almost didn't happen.  In fact, it was only when the title came into my head that I knew I had to do it.  After all, it's not really news.  It shouldn't be news.  It's normal.  Nobody cares.

Kind of.

Jaason Simmons, previously of Baywatch fame, has come out as a gay.  He lives with another gay, and they have adopted a black child.  Rejoice!

It's not news, I just couldn't let the Gaywatch opportunity pass.  I do apologise.

GET UR FREAK ON

In case you haven't noticed, the Madonna Machine is in full swing, promoting the fact that she has a new album out soon.  It's hard to avoid her when she is on the offensive.  Magazine covers, headline grabbing stories ("My panic attacks") and controversial photoshoots are daily news.  

Sadly, she's looking uber-freaky at the moment.  Fixed.  Plastic.  Unreal.  The press are whipping themselves into a frenzy over her sinewy arms as usual.  Does she care? I doubt it.  Why should she?  She's Madonna.

Oh and he's Justin.  Is Madonna hoping to complete the set?  It was not so long ago she was snogging Britney on stage and look what happened there.  Be afraid Justin.  Be very afraid.

PREMIUM MY ARSE

I was probably hatched inside an Advertising Agency focus group.  I am a marketeer's wet dream.  The mere mention of my name causes groups of ad account managers to start wanking like an angry orchestra.  I am an easy sell.  Sometimes I am happy with this, sometimes not.  A recent example of 'not' was when I decided to treat myself to an infrequent diet coke.  I used to drink gallons of the stuff but now it's a nice occasional treat.  So imagine my delight when I saw Tesco's new "American Premium Luxury Diet Cola" (and that's really what it's called) which claimed to be full of the best cola nuts, rich vanilla and exotic spices all combining into an unforgettable taste experience.  Well, someone saw me coming.  It tasted awful.  Like 9p Value Cola.  I felt so suckered by the label.

On the other hand, I can fit right into a stereotype when it suits me. A recent survey declared that Apple Mac owners are more likely:

• to be perfectionists 
  
• to use notebooks
• to use teeth whitening products 
  
• to drive station wagons
• to pay for downloaded music 
  
• to go to Starbucks 
  
• care about "green" products and the environment
• to own a hybrid car
• and last but not least ... to buy 5 pairs of sneakers in a year

I can say yes to 6 of those claims.  I will let you decide which!

Southend Seafront

Urban Decay, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

I heart my iPhone

Mmmm Starbucks, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

I can't tell you how much I live my iPhone. Call me a sad nerd, but this thing still blows me away. Take this moment for example. I am sitting in starbucks enjoying a coffee. With my iPhone I can take a pretty photo of my drink. I can then upload the photo directly to Flickr. From there I can hit 'blog this' and send the photo to my blog. That will then be picked up by Facebook and FriendFeed for all the world to see.

Ok so I am not exactly curing cancer with it, but all these links and interconnections that were science fiction a few years ago must count for something? Its a big deal to me, and makes me very excited about the potential of this device in the future.

For now I am happy taking photos of Starbucks cups :-)

RUB SOME JARGON ON YOUR FACE

I don't watch a lot of TV so I'm pretty immune to advertising, but tonight I heard something which made me wonder if I had suddenly tuned into ITV Russia. Step forward L'Oreal DermaGenesis! SkinBirth? SurfaceGrowth? Doesn't sound so catchy does it. The bit that caught my ear was the claim that L'Oreal DermaGenesis contains "Pro-Xylane, a new generation, green science molecule and Hyaluronic Acid"

WHAT THE FUCK??

The benefits of Pro-Xylane and Hyaluronic Acid are "dewy, plumped up, younger looking skin". Dewy?? There's also this amazing word "Tauten" which is obviously legally different to "tighten" which would be a totally different claim. I don't know about you, but I would love someone to compliment me on my taut, dewy skin.

So, I bit and went onto their website, hungry for more information. Heading straight for the FAQ I found out about their key ingredients.

and?  What the hell does that tell me?  Ok how about the other one....

Right.  A green science molecule.  Of course.

I'll say it here now.  Don't waste your money on this garbage.  As someone who has spent LOADS of money on wrinkle creams, moisturisers and the like I can honestly say nothing delivers what it promises.  Nothing.  Whether it's £100 or £10, your skin may look a bit shinier and a bit more glowy but it also does that with a £1.50 pot of Nivea.  

Advertising like this makes me so angry!  Throwing in a few words of jargon gives the illusion of science where none exists.  Failing to then back it up with any useful information just compounds the fact that this is snake oil with pretty packaging.  Want to get rid of your wrinkles?  Have a face lift.  Scared of surgery?  Have botox.  Neither of the above?  Learn to live with them.

BB @ The o2

If you look closely enough, you can see Vicki waving!!

FOLLOW ME

I've come to the realisation that there are plenty of great 'social network' type sites out there that I belong to, but others might not know about.  Facebook is great, I have plenty of friends and I love it.  But sometimes you just want something that is simple and effective.  Unfortunately if nobody else uses them it's a bit like talking to yourself in a darkened room.  

So, here is a list of where and how you can find me.  Join in!  Otherwise this tree is falling and making plenty of noise for nobody to hear.

Twitter:  (username Macmonkeypaul) is brilliant for a quick 140 character status update.  Forces you to be quite creative!

Pownce: (username iPaul) is apparently a pretty sophisticated site which allows you to share files with friends etc.  Have only just started to get into this one.

FriendFeed: (username iPaul) is brand new, and does a great job of pulling everything together in one place!  If you only join one, make it this one.

Flickr (username paulmonkeypaul) is where I used to post all my photos, then got bored, but have got back into it again!

Bebo (username macmonkeypaul) is one that I don't really like, but I have lots of family who use it and love it and prefer it to Facebook so it's good for keeping up with the Aberdonians!

That's all I can think of for now!  While I'm at it though, there is a great online photo editor called Picknik which is brilliant if you are out and about and don't have access to your home version of Photoshop / Aperture.  I joined up and they have given me a couple of trial vouchers which I can send to anyone who wants them.  Just let me know!

It's not like you don't know how to get in touch with me now is it! Any other recommendations?  Leave a comment :)

ps I refuse to add my MySpace link because it's just SO over.  I'm not Kate fucking Nash.

IT'S TIME TO COME OUT

My name is Paul, and I am a Westlife fan.

For years I have kept this shameful secret to myself.  Skulking anonymously on fan forums.  Secretly listening to Flying Without Wings in the car and turning it down when pulling up to traffic lights.  Downloading tracks from iTunes because the shame of going to HMV was just too much for a grown man.

But hurrah!  I'm not alone!  20,000 people including me screamed their lungs out last night at the o2 arena.  We looked each other in the eye and stood tall.  We raised each other up.  In the bubble of the dome, there was no reason for shame.  This was our world.  A world of our own.  And we rocked it.

Westlife are great live!  They sing their little socks off and do a  bit of Irish banter, as well as unleashing a bit of grown up male sexy energy on the crowd.  They are a lot ruder in real life than on Saturday morning TV!  Hips were swayed.  Groins were thrust.  Arses were felt.  Poor Mark must have to shower in ice cubes every night! (Actually at the moment it looks like he showers in lard but lets not go there).  It was a good little concert.  The boys did well.

And the best bit of concert merchandise?  A pair of little white pants that said "I'll let you in where no-one else goes."

ie up the bum.

Rude boys.

240 SECONDS BY ANY OTHER NAME

Madonna's new single has 'leaked' all over the internet (search Google Blogsearch) and first impressions are mixed.  I'd say it's about 60/40 hate it / love it.

My initial thoughts?  It certainly gets your attention!  Thumpy beats, big horns, Trousersnake.... it's not as bad as I expected.  I was nervous about Madonna releasing anything marked 'urban', and while this is a far cry from Confessions it's actually more listenable than most Timberland stuff.  Things I like: the horns, 'we only got 4 minutes to save the world'.  Things I hate: 'tick tock', and any song that says "Madonna" as one of its key vocals has to go.

It might be a grower.  One thing is for sure, it's no Hung Up.

But is that a good thing?

Madonna has always led the way when it comes to making good pop.  Everyone else has followed in her wake, not mentioning any names Kylie.  This time though it seems like Madge is playing catch up for the first time in her career.  The American Life album threw things into a bit of a tailspin, going all political and anti-war at a time when the world just wasn't ready for it.  Result: poor sales.  The album wasn't actually that bad and has some cracking songs on it.  So then she goes into recovery mode and things aha.  The gays.  Wheel out Abba and make a song of disco tunes.  Poppers o'clock!!  Much more like it!  Sadly, this time the world had moved into a more gritty sonic groove and disco was seen as a random move.  Result: poor sales.  In America at least, no radio stations would play Madonna as the sound wouldn't fit with the rest of their Usher / Missy / 50 cent stable.

And now, with a groundbreaking new recording contract where the music is a by-product of touring, Madonna is going for the popular vote again.  Collaborate with Timbaland, safe pair of hands, and hopefully American radio will play the song.  I think it smells a bit desperate myself, but maybe it's just the first time she has been slightly out of sync and therefore the smoke and mirrors are more apparent.  They were there all along, but we were so dazzled by the lasers nobody saw them.

One thing we do know is that her contract with LiveNation is for 10 years, includes at least 4 albums and 3 tours so there's no more of that coy "maybe I'll retire" nonsense that means everyone goes into a frenzy when concert tickets go on sale.  

This time I can afford to be more choosy.