NEW YORK MINI MOVIE #1

Rather than posting all 20 videos here, I've uploaded them to Flickr for your enjoyment! Find them at
www.flickr.com/photos/paulmonkeypaul/

TRIPLE VILE

As a certain Pixie beat me to it with the hideous Boyzone Naked pic, here's one I found of BB & Blazing Squad's Kenzie just to up the vomit stakes.

Does anyone think that is in the least bit attractive??

MONDAY MASS: WEEK SEVEN

You may have noticed no little Adipose this week.  Only fair really due to illness and holiday.  Shame, as I've lost loads!  Unfortunately that's down to the fact I didn't eat for 3 days so I'm not taking it as an accurate reading.  Normal service returns on Monday.

*YAWN* YOU ALL STILL THERE?

Maybe it was just post-NY jadedness, but The Apprentice this week just seemed like some dead horse somewhere getting a right old slapping around.  There didn't seem to be much energy coming from any of the candidates or the staff this week.  Frances sounded perky but her voice is dubbed anyway so that doesn't count. 

Thankfully Michael finally went, but the others are just getting to be a bit stereotypical of themselves. Lee McQueen said "that's what I'm talking abahhhht" yawn.  Lucinda got emotional yawn.  Clare sold lots yawn.  The northern one didn't do much yawn.  Alex couldn't work out why he wasn't being a million percent amazing yawn.  On that last one I think it's because he committed the cardinal sin of shaving.  Not only does it make him look incredibly young and innocent looking (yech) I think it's also had the Samson-esque effect of sapping his powers.  

I'm getting to the stage where I don't particularly care who wins.  Lucinda will need to work harder to gain my unconditional support.  So next week looks more interesting with the 1:1 interviews which is just a way of everyone vicariously making up for every shitty interview we have ever done by turning into Nelson from the Simpsons and going "Haw Haw" every time one of them fucks up an answer.

Next.

BACK FROM THE BRINK

Album of the week (and possibly month), surprisingly, goes to Cyndi Lauper who has released an absolutely stonking CD called "Bring Ya To The Brink".  After years of relative obscurity, Cyndi has put her voice to work on an album of dance tracks produced by some of the hottest names around: Kleerup, Basement Jaxx, Scumfrog, Dragonette and Axwell.  See, I'm down with the kids.  Anyway, avoiding the *cough* obvious links with people like Timbersnake has meant this is actually a really fresh and unique sounding album.  Everyone in New York was talking about it, particularly as the lead video had been filmed last week in a gay bar round the corner from our hotel!  Even if you only remember Cyndi Lauper for the awful girls just wanna have fun, check out the previews on iTunes or Amazon as you will be surprisingly impressed.

BACK IN THE ROOM

Fear not, loyal reader, for I am not dead.  I realise it's all gone a bit quiet in the last few days but that's partly to do with the fact that some git has sped up time without telling me.  How is it Wednesday?  I have holiday news to fill you in on as I know you're dying to find out how it all ended.  

The pills kicked in on Saturday night and I had a great sleep which made such a difference to how I felt.  When I woke on Sunday morning I was still a bit sweaty but I felt pretty refreshed and ready for a good day.  We had breakfast at our usual haunt (Cafeteria) where 3 eggs over easy went down a treat and set me up for a good day of wandering.  We got the subway uptown to 86th Street and after a slight detour where I mistook the Hudson River for Central Park's boating lake we were back on track.  Highlight of the day was spending a few hours at the Met Museum where they had 2 amazing exhibitions that I particularly loved.  The first was called Superheroes: Fantasy and Fashion.  This had some original costumes on display (Wonder Woman, Superman, Catwoman etc) and then a selection of outfits by world class designers along a similar theme.  So for Superman there were lots of bold prints.  Catwoman had plenty of leather etc.  Absolutely beautiful.  Sadly there was no photography allowed but I did manage to sneak a shot of Wonder Woman with my iPhone.  

Tiny, tiny costume which is now really faded.  Hard to believe it's over 30 years old.

The second highlight was an exhibition on the roof by Jeff Koons.  Three massive, colourful sculptures.  The photo below obviously isn't one of mine because there were hundreds of people up there, but it shows the scale of the sculptures against the amazing skyline.

So that was all very lovely and cultured.  That was followed by a mooch down Fifth Avenue (Apple, Abercrombie) and then a bit of a sit down to get my energy back.  In the evening I fulfilled a personal lifetime ambition by taking a nighttime shot of Manhattan from the top of the Rockefeller Centre.  There's a whole blog entry coming on this so I won't spoil it, but it was an amazing and exhilarating experience for someone like me who is scared of heights!!  Totally amazing day altogether.

Monday went so fast!  Breakfast at Cafeteria, bit of last minute shopping and photo taking, lunch at Max Brenner's Chocolate Shop and then back to the hotel for packing and general sulking.  Before we knew it the taxi whisked us off to JFK and we were on our way home.  Well, there were a few hours of delays in between but you get the picture.  We landed on Tuesday morning and I even felt quite refreshed after my 2 little pink & white "hayfever" tablets which helped me sleep on the plane (thanks Christy!)

And that was New York!!  Amazing place, hampered only by a bout of tonsilitis and lack of sleep.  As soon as I managed 7 hours of nod I felt better and enjoyed it immensely.  Now I just need to go back and do the first 36 hours again as I feel a bit cheated.

800 photos were taken and 300 of those are currently being uploaded to www.flickr.com/photos/paulmonkeypaul so do feel free to have a rummage around.

And now it's back to normality, whatever that is :)

POUNDING THE STREETS

It does feel a bit like we have been in New York for weeks, rather than just over a day.  The fact that between leaving home and now (44 hours) I have slept for about 2.5 hours probably doesn't help.  Now and again I wonder if I should have stayed at home, popped antibiotics and slept.  Probably.  Oh well.  I'm glad I didn't!  Shame I don't seem to be getting any better really.  It comes in cycles of massive boiling fever and freezing cold shivering.  FYI at the moment I'm in a hot phase.  But I'm learning how to manage it and splashed out in a Pharmacy today so I have enough drugs to wipe out a small army.  After last nights pointless attempt to sleep I'm looking forward to popping my Extra Strength Nighttime Tylenol tonight and having an uninterrupted night.

Anyway enough moaning.  Today, in between hot sweats, we walked close to 7 miles of NY streets and for the first time we left Manhattan and headed over to Brooklyn.  We didn't venture very far, just enough to walk back across the Brooklyn Bridge which was really cool.  It's just a bit of a shame that I can't think of Brooklyn without having the Beckhams in mind.  Other highlights of today include the (partially eaten) Silver Dollar Pancakes and fresh berries for breakfast, another hot sunny day of photo taking, finally doing Chinatown and Little Italy!   Sadly our food in Little Italy was pretty bad.  30 mins for our drinks to arrive and another 20 for food.  Unimpressed.

And now it's 8pm and the city beckons.  I don't reckon it will be a late one tonight, I want to enjoy my sleep!!

NEW YORK CITY BOY

Phew, made it.  That was without a doubt, the worst flight ever.  American Airlines sucks balls big time.  7 hours of too hot then freezing cold.  Crap food.  No in-seat entertainment.  Moan moan moan.  I've got a whole blog entry planned going through every minute of those 7 painful hours.  Anyway, we are here!  I'm knackered but refusing to lie down just yet.  The sky is so blue it looks like a cartoon.  New York is calling.

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE

Well that was a close one!  After a day of sleeping (9 hours daytime, 8 night) and profuse amounts of sweating to the point of dehydration, the pills appeared to have kicked in and my temperature has dropped this morning.  My throat is still sore, but its good enough to say "I'll take my chances".  So we're off to New York!  

Don't know how much opportunity I might get to blog out there, but you can follow my 'microblog' at www.twitter.com/macmonkeypaul and look at all my beautiful photos on www.flickr.com/photos/paulmonkeypaul

Thank you to everyone who sent get well wishes.  They worked.  The Ben & Jerrys helped too.

xx

SAY ARRRGHHHHHH

So it's less than 24 hours before we go to New York and I have been struck down with tonsilitis.  Why??  Whyyyyyy??  I know I'm being pathetic but it's just so unfair.  Antibiotics and bed rest?  Pah.  I'm going to be pounding the streets of Manhattan tomorrow!  Hopefully.  It's all just so bloody annoying.  Please leave your message of sympathy after the beep.

COR WHAT A PAIR

Last night in your Super Soaraway Apprentice, it was a duel to the death between The Gents and The Lads, while the other ones...those girls...sat around talking about shoes and periods and cooking.  Or at least that's how the show was edited.  For some reason it felt like watching Brokeback Mountain, with the blossoming love of Michael / Raef and Alex / Lee McQueen.  Even though the women in the episode did ALL of the good work, they were relegated into the background.  One cheeky piss taking cameraman even made this shot of Lucinda.  

Shocking.  Speaking of Lucinda, I have finally decided that she is my winner.  Today, I start the Lucinda 2 Win campaign.  This is based on the fact that even between the brainless lumps of testosterone that are Alex and Lee, Lucinda managed to stick up for herself and give them what for.  

Not only that, but during the tissue task she even suggested using 'the gays' to advertise the product.  That was met with this reaction from Alex.

He's dead to me now.  His reaction was based on the fact that people might think he was gay if he bought the 'gay ad' tissues.  What??  Is this 1970?  Alex is 24.  That kind of attitude is totally unacceptable.  He can leave next for all I care.  Except I still think Michael needs to go next because he is just so annoying!  How did he survive another week?  

I must stop taking it so seriously.

HUH? (IN A SCOOBY DOO STYLEE)

Could someone explain this please?  Call me a cynical old (almost) Generation X-er, but don't you need at least 3 albums to qualify for a 'best of' collection?  Even in todays disposable pop market, surely there's a sense of arrogance and dishonesty from a record label to churn out a greatest hits on the back of a lame Eurovision entry.  Especially as all the tracks are covers. Maybe this is just the way things are going.  Pretty soon I will be releasing a 'best of' album which will be followed by my first single but not before I've gone on tour.  Sadly the tour will have to be postponed so that I can go into rehab and deal with the drug and alcohol issues I am about to develop.  Hopefully my first celebrity wedding will delay those issues for a while.  Isn't that how it's all done these days?  Oh and can I just take this opportunity to show a middle finger to Chanelle (I spit as I type the name) and her disgustingly shocking vile single that crashed into the charts at number 63.  She had 'vowed to quit the music industry' if it wasn't a hit.  Don't let the door smack you on the way out will you.

WORDS & PICTURES

Gremlins at work!  (Oh and by the way, before I start, what's with BT using THE Gremlins in their new ad campaigns?  Why not just use Santa and Jesus and totally crap on our childhood icons while you're at it)

Anyway... yes, for some reason my blog post yesterday appeared without words.  Flying without word.  It's only words and words are all I have.  Money money money.  Xanadu.  So here, in case you were wondering why I posted a photo of a man at a Mitchell & Webb conference, is the original text:

Could Apple get any better in my opinion?  Probably not. I'm such a nerdy fanboy who worships everything Mac and more. And I love it. Today I took a day off work and spent the afternoon in the Regent Street Apple store. Not just lurking around, as usual, but taking part in 2 free workshops. The first was all about Aperture which is Apple's pro photography software a the second was a photo masterclass by a professional photographer. The first was amazingly helpful and may change my life. The second was way over my head and is something I probably won't understand for many years to come.

A brilliant way to spend an afternoon and hopefully a bit of help for my upcoming photo expedition to New York. Thank you Apple! Love you x

Sent from my iPhone

AHHHHH APPLE

MONDAY MASS: WEEK SIX

Now that's what I'm talkin about.

WHO REVIEW 4.7

Mixed bag this week on Nu-Who.  I found myself absolutely loving 90% of this episode: the claustrophobic set, the stereotyped but 3d characters, the Agatha Christie effect.  However, there were bits that just totally got on my tits.  I actually thought that the sci-fi elements really felt out of place and clunky which is strange for a Dr Who episode.  The human-wasp thing was just annoying, and as for the psychic connection to a necklace that ignited a latent wasp inside the long lost son.... do what? Come again? 

Overall it was a great story and I can't fault the actors this week.  Just a shame they had a script that was full of clangers that distracted from an otherwise outstanding episode.  Without the wasp I would give it 8/10.  With wasp, 5/10.

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR

Not wanting to suggest that The Sun is plagirising my blog or anything....

OMG!!!11!!1! HRRNNNNKKKKKKK

Over 1000 visitors.  I am humbled and grateful x

JILTED

How appropriate it was that The Apprentice this week had a wedding theme.  I am, after all, becoming emotionally attached to these people like a hormonal 11 year old at a school disco.  One week I like Frances, the next week I barely notice her.  She just sits there. With her Bic.  I'm so over her.  Compare her to the Cleopatrian Margaret who, if I'm not mistaken, looks younger every week and is working her mojo for the camera big time stylee.

Meow!  And then there's the rest of the muppet show.  Lee "Now that's what I'm talking about" McQueen is the kind of person who would either burst a bloodvessel or your eardrums as soon as anything went well at work.  This is a typical LMcQ face.  Red, bulging, sweating.  Not in the office, please.

However, I'd take LMcQ's air-fisting over this next donkey any day.    Michael has to go.  Anyone who refers to customers as 'dumb dumbs' really doesn't deserve a full supply of oxygen.  Let him be gone soon please.

Which brings me onto a dilemma.  I am seriously considering starting a "Lucinda To Win" campaign.  She's absolutely amazing.  I love her absolute non-conformity to business dress, and the fact that she just loves making everyone feel good.  However, not even she can distract me from Alexsex.  Yes, I know he still does that bloody annoying thing with his mouth, but in certain situations it can look pretty hot.

And to be fair, the longer he stays in, the more likely we are to see more shots of him lounging around in a tight vest.  

Sadly the format of the show itself is getting a bit too repetitive.  This episode was just a rehash of last year's Art Dealer task, and next week's "design a tissue box" is a repeat of the trainers fiasco that saw Simon breakdancing and rapping in the last series.  If I was a candidate, I would go for shock value and design a brand of tissues called Wank Wipes.  Now there's a product for Alex to sell.

NOBODY SEES THE TOE NOT TIL MY HEART SAYS SO

Sorry Cheryl xx

MONDAY MASS: WEEK FIVE

Still heading in the right direction!

WHO REVIEW 4.6

Ouch.  Bit of a stinker this week I'm afraid.  The trailer suggested that the Doctor had a secret past, with a Matrix style daughter hiding in the wings.  Sadly this little mystery was all sewn up within the first few minutes when his 'daughter' was cloned from a single cell and born all grown up.  Right.  Not only that but he went from denial to attachment to love and finally loss all within 39 minutes.  As if one lame plot thread wasn't enough, we had Martha playing Leia and the Ewoks with the cod people as well as Donna having no apparent reason for existence other than to reflect greatness on the rest of the cast.  Thankfully Martha went home at the end, which saves this episode from getting 0/5 from me.  For deaf people, this was a gorgeous episode which was lit beautifully and had some great backdrops.  Sadly for the rest of us the script was confusing, patronising and simply not good enough.  And if there ever should appear a 'Jenny' spin-off series I for one shall be picketing the BBC.

Next week looks like War & Peace in comparison.

Must try harder.

MARGARETWATCH

The Apprentice trundles on like an out of control juggernaut driven by a drunk chimp with no hands.  Or eyes.  This week the premise of the show was so thin you could see daylight through it.  Take the victims to Morocco and get them to haggle for items on a shopping list.  That's it.  Nothing else.  Hey, I could have done this!  I managed to haggle £55 off the price of a new camera in the electronics nirvana of Tottenham Court Road at the weekend.  Let me at it!

Lee McQueen is turning into such a comedy genius that I may start a campaign for him to get his own BBC Three comedy show.  After being appointed team leader he did one of those screechy 'aaaaahah aaaaahah' chant things made popular by Lenny Henry in the 80's and which are so impossible to spell phonetically.  Surrounded by bemused faces, Lee effed and jeffed his way through a comic performance that would have put Lee Evans to shame.  The man should be on the stage.  The next stage out of towm.  Ba da boom.

I'm glad that both the Jennys have gone as I think they are both evil.  Ginger Jenny wore too many scarves and Oirish Jenny had no eyebrows.  I wouldn't hire them.  I'm also tempted to lift my 'positive action' HIRE AN ALEX campaign because his little facial tick is starting to annoy me.  

He does it at least 17 times an episode and frankly if the wind changes direction he will be sorry.  

Frances barely made an appearance this week and hell if that's the attitude of the programme makers then I'm not even going to give the topic air time.  Because, dear readers, there's a new star of the show.

Margaret.  The lady that is Margaret "Mount Me" Mountford.  For 3 series she has sat next to Surallen making squinty beady eyed faces at the candidates.  But all it took was a trip to Morocco and she BUSTED OUT baby.  Swanning around the streets like a visiting Empress in a white linen skirt.  The locals must have thought the new Queen Victoria was in their midst.  Margaret looked hot.  And not just because of a flush.  Oh and a special mention to the sunglasses.  All I can say is where do I get a pair???

BLAME IT ON THE BOGIE MAN

I'm still fascinated by the Fritzl case in Austria.  In particular, I can't get enough shoddy media reporting.  Take the headline in The Sun this morning:

Now, who am I to say what Hitler did or didn't do.  But let's be clear.  This story is based on the fact that Hitler visited Fritzl's hometown once.  When Fritzl was two years old!!!  They describe him as 'almost three' ie much more suggestible.  Somehow The Sun quotes him in first person, saying "I grew up in Nazi times and that meant the need to be controlled and respect of authority...I suppose I took on some of these old values".  Forgive me, but those seem more like the values of an adult baby fetishist, or someone likely to wear a PVC hood and call his partner 'mistress'.  Hardly Nazi ideals, and far from any connection that could blame his actions on Hitler.  Honestly, why can't the media just accept that this man did the crime and is now to be punished for it.  The case is bad enough without linking him to any old evil dictator.  

** STOP PRESS **

Hrrrrrnnkkkkk!!!! HRRRRRNNNKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Official announcement expected today.

Kylie who?

TANGLED UP

I go to a lot of concerts.  I love them.  The smell of the crowd, the roar of the merchandise... it's all like honey to the bee for me.  Aside from a full on rock gig (does RHCP @ V Count?) I've done all the styles from stripped down to high tech.  Boy Band to Girl Band.  Madonna 1990 to Madonna 2006.  There's something so amazingly exciting for me about how an artist chooses to visually interpret and present a product which is essentially an aural one.  So, step into the press Ms Kylie Minogue who launched her new tour in Paris this week.

As you know I've often been a bit comme ci comme ca about Minogue (K) and I guess she's a bit of an easy target when the issue of copying Madonna comes up.  Her last album was good but not amazing, and watching her promote it on various tv shows made her look slightly desperate and usually badly dressed.  So I was wondering what the X2008 Tour would be like, and contemplating putting my tickets on eBay in case I was in for 2 hours of 2 Hearts.  However after seeing the opening night photos it's more a case of be still my beating 2 hearts.  Check this out!

That single image has got me totally excited about this tour.  It's amazing!!  It evokes all kinds of references: Kiss of the spider woman / Metropolis / Borg Queen.... it's all just so un-Kylie.  I am not foaming at the mouth for July to come around and amazed at the power of a single image.  

SHAKE YOUR MOOB BOX

Oh god what have I become.  The cheap tabloid headlines are flowing from me these days!  Still, it's nice to see I can still come up with a stonker when I need to.  This post is courtesy of The Scum who today have a whole article devoted to slagging off Robbie Williams because he has put on a bit of weight.  They have captions on the photos like "BACK FAT" which would actually have been much funnier as "BACK FAT GOOD" and "GREAT SET OF BAPS" which would have been even better as "BAPS FOR GOOD".  Poor bloke.  I am glad he's able to just let himself go and be normal for a while.  The pressure to workout for hours a day must be immense, so good on him for indulging in lifes' guilty pleasures.  Like pies.

MONDAY MASS: WEEK FOUR

I think this is what's called slow and steady progress?

WHO REVIEW 4.4

The Doctor saved the world again.  Sontarans defeated.  The End.  10/10

Oh and Rose popped up for a second. Squeal! 

Sadly it looks like we're stuck with Martha for a bit longer.

Q&Apprentice

Some questions raised by The Apprentice this week:

Why! Does! Lee McQueen! Talk in! Sentences punctuated! By pauses! And shouting!

Why, in a 170 bedroom house, do they boys have 3 to a room?  

Does the lovely Frances have to buy her own pens?  I noticed this week that she uses one of those Bic Tri-Colour things that always seems like a good idea, but they never write very nicely and after a while one of the springs stops working and it all just gets a bit too emotional so usually no more than one is ever purchased.  Maybe it makes her feel hi-tech in the absence of a computer.

In a week where 'save the planet' became a hot issue, why does nobody ever question the fact that Sir Alan swans around London in a massive Rolls Royce, and that the candidates need 5 people carriers to get them to Hackney.  The congestion charge bill alone for this show must be immense.

Why has CowClaire suddenly started wearing natty neck scarves?  Jenny is the Queen of the Neck Scarf and must be inwardly seething.  Jenny is also Queen of the Gingers.

Why, despite being a total snake, do people go weak at the knees over Alex?  Including myself. He wears a stupid fucking hat in every episode. Ok so does Lucinda but I quite like her beret chic.  Alex takes any and opportunity to smoulder at the camera in an unshaven tousled way.  Look at the effect he has on women in this next pic.  The body language!!  All for a man with no pectoral muscles.  Still, on the day he is fired (and I hope it's not too soon but definitely before the end) I shall be advertising for a random post for which the person spec includes lack of pecs and excessive hat wearing.

The search continues.  Next week, another twat gets sacked.  Please let it be Helene who has gone down in my estimations again for arguing with Lucinda.  Leave the poor deluded woman alone.  She has fairies to talk to.

BLING BLING BLING GOES THE TELEPHONE

Looks like someone went a bit crazy at Elizabeth Duke!  Mary J Madge is sure pulling out the stops to pimp her new album.  A free concert in New York gained all the usual publicity about 'fans camp outside all night for Madonna' that drives me BONKERS.  It's so manipulative.  The press release for the show said it was Madonna's way of "thanking her fans".  Ok a free ticket is a good little thank you, but in true Madonna style she then creates a total mania by saying it's "limited numbers, first come first served".  Members of Icon, Madonna's fan club, had the chance to win 50 pairs of tickets.  Out of 2000.  How is that thanking the fans?  Now most of the members of Icon, I am sure, are lovely normal sensible people.  There are some, however, who consider themselves second place in their own lives.  Madonna comes first.  They are the ones who sleep outside venues for 3 days and get Madonna the headlines she craves so much.  It's offensive.  Want to reward your fans?  Start with your fan club.  Oh, but then if they all knew they were getting tickets maybe nobody would be queuing all night.  And that wouldn't do.

Sadly, after all that, I still have to eat my hat and give her credit for an absolutely amazing show.  In just 38 minutes she totally rocked.  Even Justin looked impressed.  Her album is heading straight for number one, and a major world tour is about to be announced.  It's hard to argue with the Madonna Juggernaut once it's in gear.  I'm just too old and too proud to sleep on the street.

WHAT'S 2 LETTERS BETWEEN FRIENDS

The Sun is getting so sloppy.  Surely they must have made a mistake with this headline?  The guy in question won a contest called Mr Gay UK, not Mr Gay.  One sounds like 'miss world' and the other sounds like Mr Pervert.  They really must pay more attention to these little errors at the sun, otherwise people will think they are trying to slip a bit of homophobia under the radar.  Remember people, poof read.  Sorry, I meant proof read.  Whoops it's easy to do isn't it.  Silly old me.