WAS GREAT TO MEET

I met one of my tv heroes last night.  He may not be familiar to many of you, but to those who enjoyed Would Like To Meet back in the early 00's, get ready to squeal like a piggy.  Jeremy Milnes hosted the NHS Health & Social Care Awards last night, at which I was a (VIP) guest.  My lovely friend organised the whole amazing bash and I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the lovely Jeremy.  

Now for me, celebrities no matter how Z list evoke a horrible memory.  Back when I was a student, round about 1992-ish, I met Glenda Jackson.  Well, I say met, it was more like stared. She was attending a student rally about loans ("we won't pay our loans back".... but actually did in the end) and I was determined to meet her.  As an 18 year old ex-pat from Aberdeen I had never had so much as a sniff of celebrity.  The march ended, the rally began and there she was.  Glenda in all her splenda.  Fiercly intelligent.  Strikingly beautiful.  I had to meet her.  So I sidled over the the group of people she was talking to and managed to infiltrate the little circle.  I had some kind of rucksacky messenger bag thing with me, and suddenly it was my only comfort.  Glenda looked at me, I smiled.... and smiled. And smiled.  There I was, standing staring at her, smiling smiling smiling like some loon at high tide.  Clutching the strap of my rucksack with white knuckles of fear.  I totally lost my nerve and ran off into the crowd.  Luckily a friend captured the moment on camera and it still haunts me to this day.

Flash forward 16 or so years.  Would Like To Meet, for those who don't know, was one of the pioneer shows which would now fall under the banner of 'reality tv'.  It and Changing Rooms were probably the only ones around at the time which made them especially fascinating to watch.  I think it was shown on BBC2 because obviously BBC1 would never have anything so dumb as reality tv, and BBC3 hadn't been invented at that time.  The premise of WLTM was to take a desperately single person who couldn't attract a mate.  Divorcees, men who lived with their mothers, single parents.... they were a total dating disaster.  Researchers would ask the singletons all about their ideal partners, and then set them up with a 'fake date' which was filmed by hidden cameras, usually in a really nice restaurant.  As the singletons were having dinner with someone who was pretty much out of their league, it was car crash.  Not only that, but the fakedater was also being given instructions from a team of experts to do things that would make the singleton feel even worse.  

After they left the date, having confirmed they would be single forever, the singleton went home miserable.  But wait... who is that at the door?  It's the WLTM coaching team!  Three angels from heaven sent to help the singleton.  Pre-Trinny & Susannah, this was proper coaching not just ripping them apart.  The singleton was given help with personal style and grooming, flirting and confidence.

The confidence coach was Jeremy Milnes.  I learned SO MUCH from watching this man!  I used to hate making small talk. I would write it off as 'irrelevant' or 'beneath me' when actually I found it terrifying to talk to people about nothing.  This was one of Jeremy's best tricks.  He would coach the singleton into making small talk with people - in bookshops, bars, pavements... wherever.  It taught me that if you just take the first step, pretty much everyone will have a conversation with you.  Usually they are waiting for someone to talk to them too. Anyway, I'm not a tv critic so if you want to find out more I'm sure you could google it or YouTube it or whatever you young people do.  The episodes usually ended with fantastically confident, sexy singletons having amazing dates with people.

So, meeting Jeremy last night was a real honour.  I tried to rid myself of the memory of Glenda, particularly bearing in mind the fact I was meeting a man who teaches people to come across confidently and make good small talk.  I think I was probably a bit too much on the stalky side of firm hand shake and manly back slapping, but overall I was really chuffed with my little conversation.  I told him how much I loved WLTM and he was so pleased that someone remembered it.  And.... EXCLUSIVE SCOOP.... I can reveal that today, as we speak, he is in London filming Would Like To Meet Again!  A one off special looking at what happened to the singletons.  I am so excited!!  

Usually we are told not to meet our heroes because they will only disappoint us.  I disagree.  Meeting Jeremy was like a dream come true, and it made me realise how much this man had influenced me over the years without him ever knowing.  I was very proud to have the opportunity to thank him in person.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Well that's almost it for April then.  Scary.  I can't believe that tomorrow is May, and we are now a whole third of the way through 2008.  It really only feels like yesterday that we were doing the whole Jools Holland thing on New Years Eve!  I set myself a challenge for April: as many blog posts as there are days.  Blogging is a strange pastime really.  In one sense I find it a fun, relaxing thing to do when I have a spare couple of minutes.  On the other hand sometimes I stare at a blank screen, devoid of inspiration and worrying that I will never say anything funny or worthwhile again.  Luckily that usually happens on a Thursday so I just write something about Frances on the Apprentice.  So it's with delight that I not only achieved my target but totally blew it out of the water.  I have no idea if anyone really reads this other than two or three hardcore followers (you know who you are, and I thank you) but somehow I have managed to have over 800 hits this year.  Absolutely miniscule in the grand scheme of the internet, but a massive compliment for me.  I would have been happy with 8.  Sometimes I think I should have some kind of theme or keep it to things that will enhance the world somehow.  Mostly though I just report on things I have already read somewhere else and hope that I can make someone smile.  

Readers, I love each and every both of you :) xx

SHOCKING BEYOND BELIEF

Apologies for the tabloid headline, but wow this is shocking.  It's not often I get all serious on this blog but there's something about the Austrian Fritzl case that has just chilled me to the bone.  A man kept his daughter prisoner in his cellar for 24 years and fathered 7 children with her.  3 of the children (in their teens!) have never been outside the cellar.  Living obliviously above the cellar, Mrs Fritzl was looking after 3 of what she thought were here abandoned grandchildren.  Absolutely, completely appalling and unbelievable.  While the curious part of me wants to know everything about this case, including how those kids feel about it, I also think it's probably best if they just go off into some secluded part of the world and try to develop lives.  I hope they don't end up on Oprah.  So terribly sad.

MONDAY MASS: WEEK THREE

WHO REVIEW 4.4

10/10.  I absolutely loved this episode!  It felt like traditional, old-school Dr Who from the 70s but with production values.  Even Martha couldn't spoil it for me, although "It's Martha and I'm bringing you back to Earth" should have been met with a hard slap rather than a cuddle.  Good performance from Catherine Tate, behaving in ways we don't expect her to.  Great visuals, amazing lighting, fantastic effects.  And as for the Sontarans.... sign me up!  I was always too short to be a Cyberman.   It was great to have a cliffhanger episode where everything did actually seem like it was going wrong, and that the Dr didn't know what to do.  It's about time.  Smartarse wears thin after a while.  And ok so I was shouting "Brick the window" at the end, but that's all part of the fun.  Can't wait til Part 2.  Hopefully CloneMartha will drive into a river with RealMartha in the boot.

EVEN A DELL....

So it was goodbye Lindi on this weeks Apprentice, which overall was just a bit too happy and a bit too positive for my liking.  All the arguments seemed engineered at the end, after a task which actually went pretty well for both teams.  And that's hardly entertaining is it!  Lee McQueen didn't refer to Lee McQueen in the third person.  Alex wore silly hats.  Lucinda drew on the power of flower fairies to give her strength.  All pretty samey really.

Apart from one thing.  Frances got a facial shot!!  Finally we got to see the woman behind the peroxide.  Is that supposed to be a window behind her?  Nice glossy black desk.  Not many companies have a receptionist dedicated to their 'board room'.  

The poor woman needs a computer though.  Badly.  Even a Dell.  Doesn't have to be an iMac or anything.  She just sits scribbling in her leatherbound A4 pad.  Two pages of writing!!  Is she doing a really long suicide note?  Bulimic shopping list?  Or is she just writing why am I so bored over and over again. 

Stay tuned for next week, when Frances might even upgrade to a nicer pen.

ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Sadly, racist bully Jade Goody still makes the news.  Ok, it's not news at all and it's only featured in some crap celeb mag but really I thought her career was over?  It should have been after her blatant vitriolic rage was revealed to the nation.  Anyhoo, we're a fickle bunch so let's put all that nasty bad stuff under the carpet and move on shall we?  Pretend it never happend? Ok.  

So what has she done to warrant the attention of my beady eye?  Cured cancer? Brought peace to the middle east?  Rescued the global economy from the credit crunch?  No.  Jade has lost 2 stone in 2 weeks.  Whoopee.  How?  Well, she stopped eating crap and did some exercise.  Oh my god it's such a revelation I need to lie down my head is spinning spinning spinning.  Jade how could you have discovered such magical secrets?  You didn't?  You went to a fat farm?  Ok.  Well whatever I still think you're a miracle worker.  But hold on, you've lost weight in the past and told us all to let's get fit and get dancin' so how do I know this is true?  Show me a photo.  A really badly photoshopped one that looks like Barbie got chunky.  A photo so fake looking that even Milli Vanilli would feel vindicated.

Kthxbye.

LEARN NOTHING EVERY DAY

Billie Piper has denied reports she is pregnant.

Courtney Cox denies reports she is going through the menopause.

Julia Roberts says she doesn't wear deodorant.

Paris Hilton denies she is getting married.

Feel better for that injection of hot news?  No, me neither.  I don't get it.  The internet and celeb magazines are full of shitty little stories that say nothing whatsoever.  I mean, you're hardly going to wow your mates in the pub by telling them that Paris Hilton isn't getting married.  Why stop there though?  If nothingness makes headlines, why not make up a few of your own?

Dean Gaffney has denied reports he is to stand for President of the USA.

Justin Timberlake has stamped on rumours that he is actually half Llama.

Germaine Greer denies that she made all that stuff up about feminism and equal rights.

Ashton Kucher hits out at reports of his addiction to Birds Eye potato waffles.

Try it. You might come up with something interesting that will amaze your friends!

DEATH BECOMES HER

Get some help love.  Seriously.

YOU'RE WELCOME, MR JOBS

Apple have just published their latest financial results.  Man, it's a hottie.  Profit for the first quarter of 2008 is $1billion.  A beeeelion dollars!  Sales of Macs have increased by 51%.  1.7 million iPhones have been sold.  Apple's response: We have strong momentum to launch some terrific new products in the coming quarters.   Clap clap squeal.  Bring it on!

MONDAY MASS: WEEK TWO

SUCK IT AND SEE

Madonna's Hard Candy album has finally leaked in full onto t'internet.  While I would never encourage piracy, kids,  I decided to download it, easing my conscience with the knowledge that I have pre-ordered a digital copy on iTunes and a CD version from Play.com

It's not bad!  Certainly not as awful as I had expected.  It's a bit of a musical departure from trad-madge but so far (track 4) I'm not as deep in r'n'b hell as I thought I might be.  I'm even having a little 'chair dance' despite my brain trying to overrule my feet out of anti-hip-hop principle.

Full review to come soon!

WHO REVIEW 4.3

OOoooh! OOoood!  So it was off to OodWorld for this weeks Doctor Who, and the result was a bit of a run of the mill episode which was good in parts but pretty average in others.  Visually it was excellent.  An alien planet, snow, Ood brain... all very pretty.  Unfortunately it suffered from again trying to throw too much into one episode and not really explaining why the Ood turned evil.  Something to do with the brain dampening field being lowered etc but it all came as a bit of a surprise right at the end.  The whole thing felt rushed.  Donna 'couldn't bear' the sound of Ood singing after only 3 seconds.  And speaking of Donna, she was a bit too Catherine Tate this week.  As Dorothy Parker may have said: she ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B.  

Don't get me wrong it was still good stuff, but just too much thrown in there so it all felt far too superficial.  The robot claw.  The evil guard.  The hair restoring drink.  The Ood Liberation Front.  Ood lobotomies. Slavery.  Jeez one at a time please.  For some reason I had it in my head that this was a 2 part story, so maybe it just felt crammed to me.  And it seems like each week there's a *CLANG* story arc.  Random conversations like "Where are all the bees disappearing to" and Ood saying "your song is coming to an end soon" *CLANG*.  Bring back the subtlety of Bad Wolf.  

Sontarans next week.  Yay!  Martha's back.  Boo!

THE EGO HAS LANDED (FROM SPACE)

A lovely bit of serendipity happened yesterday which is worth noting.  Events like these occur now and then, but rarely does anyone put it down to anything other than mild coincidence.  I like to think it's the universe's way of saying "everything is connected" and that us mere mortals are given a glimpse of it now and again.  

Months ago I downloaded "Call of the weird" by Louis Theroux after I heard the audiobook recommended on a podcast.  Finally on Thursday I got round to listening to it in the car.  I absolutely agree with the recommendation as it's a great read (or listen).  Much of the content is to do with UFOlogists and Abductees.  People who on face value sound totally bonkers but are absolutely fascinating.  It made me want to find out more, so I did a bit of wilfing around UFO websites on Thursday night.  

I finished the book on Friday, and decided to listen to some music on the way home from the gym.  I am SO BORED of all my music at the moment.  To put this in context, my iPod has 9754 songs on it and I am bored of every one.  The music industry is in a shocking state in my opinion.  So, random play was pressed and up popped Robbie William's Rudebox.  Now this is an album I haven't listened to properly for over a year at least.  I have to say it was way ahead of its time!  The kind of sound he created on that album is exactly what is in the charts at the moment.  Very Calvin Harris style 80s vibes.  Rudebox is sorely underrated in my opinion so if you have a copy give it another listen.  It did make me wonder what on earth has happened to Robbie?  He has totally vanished from the public eye in recent months.  I had read somewhere that he was releasing another swing album (Let's Swing Again) for Xmas 2007 but nothing ever appeared.  In tribute, I changed my Facebook status to a line from Rudebox and hoped Robbie was ok.

Saturday morning.  Guardian Magazine.  Robbie Williams is now a UFOlogist!! He has made a programme for Radio 4 with a journalist friend all about the UFO phenomena, in a Louis Theroux stylee!  *Twilight Zone Music*  It's actually a great article which you can find here.  I can't wait to hear the programme now, and am grateful to the cosmos for bringing all these strands together for me in such a clever way!!  Not so sure about the beard though.

SIMON SAYS WAVE GOODBYE

Boo, Surralenn, Boo.  For shame.  Why did Simon have to go? Why?  At this rate your choice of Apprentice will be more like better the devil you know.  We loved Simon and his emotional range all the way from hard man to heart man (see what I did there?).  But he went, leaving behind CowClaire and Alexsssssss who is turning out to be a bit of a snake, albeit a pretty snake with nice stubble and ruffled hair.  I was particularly excited about this weeks episode having personally and literally been 110% there at Bluewater on the day of the filming.  I have to say I can't remember seeing the 'glamour' stand but I did walk past the fake Beckham a few times wondering who the hell would pay for a photo of a chav with an earring.  Apparently lots of people!  Sadly I couldn't spot myself in the crowds of Bluewater but maybe it's because I'm not an orange footballers' wife.

FRANCESWATCH: This week we only had one glimpse of the elusive Frances.  She was looking very blonde indeed, and was doodling in her leather portfolio book again.  Honestly they really should get her a computer.  And the hours that woman works my god!  She's on the phone at 6:20am and still in the Boardroom at 7pm.  How does she fill her time?  At one point I did think maybe she had just been dubbed on and wasn't actually there, but we saw a flash of the back of her head in the nick of time.  And have you noticed she is left handed?  

Not much from Lee McQueen this week which means nobody referred to themselved in the third person at all.  Nobody gave 110%.  No flags ran up poles.  The closest we got to a management cliche was LoopyLucinda saying "how dare you" to project leader HefferHelene after being hammered into the ground for not being able to use a computer.  Hardly her fault when they gave her a bloody Window$ machine.

The search for his apprentice continues.

S.O.B.

I am concerned.  As a free thinking liberal there's very little that makes me go all 'Daily Mail'.  Stories of bent bananas, metric measurements and other Euro-sceptic propaganda normally wash over my shiny and perfectly round euro-compliant head.  But, dear readers, this time I'm mad.  Watch out Brussels!!  One of my favourite things in the world is at risk.

Yes, I know it makes most people gag but the humble Battenburg is one of my top best cakes ever.  I love it.  The soft sponge.  The slimy jam.  The marzipan that comes off like a well peeled apple, crunchy with sugar.  I'm salivating at the thought of it.  Unfortunately, it turns out that Battenburg contains artificial colours in every single one of its components: sponge, jam and marzipan.  It particularly contains artificial colours that are about to be outlawed by Sheriff Europe.  These colours appear in loads of things but can usually be substituted for something else as they are a minor component.  However in a battenburg they are vital.  

It has been suggested that the only way to deal with this is to completely cease production and wave goodbye to an old friend rather than change it so fundamentally.  If that is the case, I will gladly spend a whole weekend binge-eating boxes of Mr Kiplings mini battenburgs as a personal tribute to a classic cake.  Anyone want to join me?

ARSE

Anyone remember Brian Conley?  Apparently he was funny back in the 80s for a couple of weeks.  Sort of appealed to the people who enjoyed shows like Live at the Palladium.  Well apparently the years have not eroded any of his amazing and wacky humour one bit.  No siree.  He is, in fact, even funnier now.  To prove this, Brian has had a tattoo done. On his arse.  A haiku? No.  A delicate flower? No.  What is it I hear you ask?  A no entry sign.  On his arse!  Hilarious! Oh my god stop my sides have burst.  No entry!  On his arse!  As in, no gay sex please I'm a straight man!  Oh Brian methinks you doth protest too much.  Sadly for you, nobody would want to touch it with a barge pole even if your sign said "this way up".  Go back to the 80s you sad pathetic man.

LEGS OF STEEL

I'm sure you have been sitting on the edge of your seat, wondering whether ShinGate struck again.  Well, I'm happy to report that I did a 70 minute workout at the gym last night - avoiding the treadmill - and all was well.  I'm going to avoid running for a week or so, and see how it feels.  Send the wheelchair back to D&G, I don't need it yet.

WILL I EVER DANCE AGAIN?

My quest for health and fitness came to an abrupt halt this evening after developing what I have self-diagnosed as a nasty case of shin-splints.  My new gym workout involves a daily run, whereas it used to be every couple of days.  I'm not a natural runner, but I do (eventually) enjoy it especially when it's over.  Running 5 times a week for the last couple of weeks has made me feel fitter, but I've noticed that my legs have been aching in recent days.  This evening, I did 2km on the treadmill and had to stop, as my shin muscles were on fire!  I limped off, and went to do some of my other floor exercises but it was like someone had drained all the power from my legs.  Remember getting a dead arm as a child? The dull pain that is so intense you start laughing but pretty soon you want to cry?  That was me in the gym.  Hobbling around, laughing out loud and trying not to sob.  I'm sure people must have thought I was mad.  I carried on for another 10 minutes (why??) and then had to give up and go for an early shower.  It was fine when I stood still, but as soon as I tried to put any weight on my toes I thought my legs would buckle.  Being a man, I'm taking it all very well and not even remotely thinking about having to end up in a wheelchair etc. 

Having read a few helpful websites, I'm going to lay off running for a few days and see what happens.  I know I run weird anyway (think a man doing an impression of a scared girl), but I think it's probably not helpful if I try to run through the pain on this occasion.  It's strange that now I might have to not do it tomorrow, I'm already missing it!!  I'll keep you updated on ShinGate.

MAYBE IT'S A GROWER?

If, like me, you just can't wait to hear what Madonna's new album sounds like, click here for 30 second samples of each track.

Initial reaction?   :-(  

UPDATE: Looks like the link has been pulled.  I bet someones head will roll for putting the page up too early.

AND THIS IS WHY....

... I still love Bjork

MONDAY MASS: WEEK ONE

Well, this is.... unexpected.  A week of counting WW points and a brand new gym workout have resulted in nothing.  No change.  Nada.  Zip.  I weigh exactly the same as I did a week ago.  It's so strange, as I felt better and healthier all week especially as I did 5 nights at the gym on my newly designed workout.  Oh well, let's not get disheartened.   It's a marathon not a sprint!

So, for this week at least, all Adipose are present and correct.

WHO REVIEW 4.2

A mixed bag for Episode 2 of Doctor Who.  On one hand it was a sweeping historical epic full of moral and emotional tension.  On the other, it was all a bit 'Carry On' and suffered from trying to cram in too many concepts that came across far too superficially.  This would have been an absolutely amazing 2-part episode, but squeezed into 45 minutes it was good rather than great.  

The first 15 minutes felt too jokey.  Donna was too Catherine Tate and the Doctor was kind of in her comedy-shouty shadow.  She comes into her own when she plays to her strengths, which is being a strong female character.  Her refusal to be sacrificed was a great moment.  

When the storyline turned to the ethical dilemma faced by the Doctor, it became totally gripping.  The last 15 minutes were totally breathtaking.  There were just too many concepts squeezed into the middle section for any meaningful grip to take hold. I wasn't sure whether I should have been more interested in the Psychic Sisters, or the Stone Priestess, or the Evil Henchman, or the Big Stone Alien Firebreathing Monster or the Marble Circuitry.  All great ideas that nobody would have wanted to cull, but the result felt disappointingly shallow.  Overall I enjoyed the spectacle of the whole thing, and turning it round from Hollyoaks in Rome to a lump-in-the-throat was a fantastic achievement.  

Onwards and upwards!  Looking forward to Oodworld next week.

FAMOUS, AGAIN.

Riding high on my last dalliance with fame (letter printed in The Sun, December 2006) I am delighted to announce that yet again the world of media has called my name.  Or at least read it out.  Those of you who I have bored to tears about Answer Me This Podcast will already know it well.  Those who don't, download it now!  It's an absolutely brilliant way to spend half an hour, listening to Helen and Olly answer random questions sent in by listeners.  Such as:

* Would you rather have pubes for teeth or teeth for pubes?

* How many people must one kill before it is classed as a spree?

* What do you do if you wet yourself on a train?

* How can you tell if an old person used to be hot?

...and so on.  But now, the stakes have been raised.  Download episode 53 now and listen to the question sent in by Paul from Southend (ie me).  It has made my day to be included on something that is one of the highlights of my week.  Helen and Olly, I salute you.

You can download the podcast through iTunes, or by going to www.answermethispodcast.com 

SARCASM, READY.

The new Gladiators were unveiled today.  With names like Oblivion, Predator (sexual?), Destroyer and the frankly offensive Battleaxe.  Bet she was pleased.  Anyway, here is my predictable piss take of their names, and what I would have called them had I been in charge.

OH DEAR DOLLY

Dolly with and without make up.

THE BIGGEST LOSERS

Oh my god I love The Apprentice.  Love it!  I love the way seemingly intelligent, middle class people are given permission to rave about what is nothing more than X Factor without the singing.  It's totally fake.  Suralin doesn't have offices in Canary Wharf, they are in Brentwood.  Does his boardroom really look like a metal blue lit oasis or is it really just a studio set?  Who is Frances?  Why doesn't she have a computer on her desk?  It's all such baloney.  This doesn't stop the chattering classes raving about it in a guilty pleasures way.  The Guardian does a live blog for fuck sake.  

Besides all that, the programme is just shot so beautifully well.  It's like tv porn for a wannabe photographer like me.  London looks totally amazing, and there's practically as many gorgeous sweeping landscape shots as there are cringeworthy moments of management speak.  If I hear one more person run something up the flagpole, give 110% or talk about working til they bleed I might just pop with excitement.  However, this year there are some added bonuses.  Eye candy.  Yum.  Men in suits!

First we have Ian, the latest loser to be fired.  The man had a lack of insight so amazing it made everyone else look like Buddha.  He couldn't even say the word loser.  Funny that, as I was shouting it at the tv for 45 minutes.  He had pretty blue eyes though, and the NOTW apparently exposed his 'seedy' secret life as a male escort.  Whatever.  He's dead to me now.  Looks like the kind of man I would see in my gym.

Ahhh Simon.  The Harlow geezer who reminds me a bit of Mark Thomas from Channel 4, but with a bit of traditional english gent built in.  He'd take you for a romantic meal and bring you a rose.  In his big manly rough hands.  I hope he shows a few leadership qualities soon or I reckon he'll be next out the door but in the meantime I do admire his shouty manner.

Now this is a weird one.  Lee.  He has that craggy, potholed face that sometimes makes someone look like a heroin addict, but on him it makes him a bit tasty.  Rough and ready.  He would probably have been my favourite apart from the fact he seems to be a personality vacuum.  I imagine he's the sort who would be scratching on the womens' bedroom doors late at night.  Oh and WTF he is only 30.  Which leads me onto my favourite....

Alex.  Ahhhhlexxxxxx.  The stubble.  The bedhead hair.  Those blue eyes.  Oh shitting hell he's only 24 what's that all about?  Ok I'll pretend I didn't see that part of his profile.  Bless Alex he's a bit of a big softie and probably a totally useless leader but wouldn't you love to have one of him at work?  I'd hire him, even if it was just to stand in the corner smiling.  

But apart from the men, the thing that I love absolutely most of all about The Apprentice is that it's so true to life.  Sometimes I think work is just a big extended episode of the show, with everyone playing their part.  I might start running things up flagpoles in the office and see what happens.

w00t

Happy to say all is going well so far in the health and fitness quest.  5 days of following the points regime seems to agree with me.  I had an amazing session with my lovely personal trainer this evening, and feel very positive.  He even had me using one of the new PowerPlates which was a bit like being microwaved on a cellular level.  Still, it must be good for me I'm sure!

I also had a really exciting day at work which made me all buzzy.  We hired a production company to do some shooting and interviewing staff at work for one of those corporate video type things.  The three guys from Bruizer.Biz were absolutely amazing and I was in complete awe of their talents.  It was such good fun wandering round the building with cameras, lights, filters and all the associated wires and cables.  Some of the staff who would possibly traditionally have been seen as 'shy' really came out of their shells when the camera started rolling.  

Faith in humanity restored.

MONDAY MASS: WEEK ZERO

I know that some of you special readers were looking forward to a WW update, and I apologise for the delay.  Drum roll.  This morning was my benchmark weigh-in.  While I wouldn't be so crude as to actually print the numbers on the dial, I will gladly report it was slightly less than I had expected.  Just goes to show the sometimes disconnect between brain and body.  Anyway, it was reassuring to see that I wasn't yet of whale like proportions, and that in this case (sorry Yazz), the only way is down.  Approximately 17lbs down is my personal goal.  Within about 10-12 weeks I reckon.  So, that means by 30th June at the latest I should have hit my target.  Just in time for some sun :)

Weekly updates will be give, using the new Doctor Who Adiposeometer!  Each one represents a humble pound.  Stay tuned!

SCREW YOU

I was about to post the YouTube video of Madonna's "4 Minutes" which today appeared on the Official Madonna YouTube channel.  However, it is apparently 'not available in your country'.  Obviously our little island is not worthy yet of streaming a video made for a global audience.

Oh well, it's not like she needs the publicity.

WHO REVIEW 4.1

It's back!  The best series on TV hit the ground running this weekend with one of the better Episode 1's in my opinion.  No need for character introductions or analysis, it was straight down to business for the Doctor and Donna.  I was surprised how un-annoying Catherine Tate was, and hopefully she will stay that way for most of the series.  She was actually really funny in places - a strength which I hope is maximised by the writers.  It was good to deal with the whole 'love interest' issue being swiftly and deftly dismissed from the outset.  No more dewy eyed companions please!  The episode was clever, witty and touching.  A great start.  And Rose was there!  Oh my god Rose was there!  

A couple of nitpicky criticisms.  Why would someone with a time machine sit in a cupboard waiting for 8 hours?  How did 1 million customer details only take up 10 sheets of A4?  Oh whatever, I'm just looking for faults now.  It was great, I loved it, Saturday (or Sunday) nights are cool again.

I wonder if the disappearing bees will come up again?  

Allons-y!

FITNESS FIESTA

I've had a few false starts this year when it comes to healthy eating and the whole body beautiful thing.  Six months (woot) of non-smoking and a bit of extra munching have all contributed to a nice bit of porkage which needs to go.  How many times this year have I said "tomorrow...no more junk food".... too many.  Things came to a head last week when mr other half came home with some diet found on the internet.  One of those crazy "nothing but bananas" ones.  But it promised up to 17lbs of weight loss in one week so we thought what the fuck let's give it a try.  Totally unhealthy, unsustainable and ridulous.  But what the fuck.  Day 1 got off on the wrong foot, waking up to realise it was "only fruit" day and there was no fruit left in the house.  So breakfast was a black coffee and a tin of fruit cocktail.  I felt like I was at some weird kids party.  Stopped off at Sainsbury's on the way to work and bought 2 carrier bags of fruit.   It was time to get serious.  Morning came and went :  2 apples, 1 satsuma.  For lunch I ate strawberries.  My headache kicked in round about 1:00.  As a mid afternoon snack I ate a pear and another satsuma.  By 3:00 I had a migraine.  I left work wondering if I would make it home, avoiding the gym on the advice of concerned colleagues who thought I may keel over.  I drove home at 60, thinking I was going 500.  At one point, worried I would barf, I thought I might have to pull onto the hard shoulder and call for help. How pleasant.  I made it home, sweaty and pale.  I was in bed asleep within 15 minutes and woke up feeling like someone had dropped a small safe on my head.  The decision was made.  Fuck this.  Nothing is worth feeling so rough.

However, it did light a small bulb over my head.  I like structure, routine and rules when it comes to eating.  Give me free choice and I'll eat 4 Krispy Kremes and a diet coke.  So, the time has come to count Points.  WeightWatchers ones.  I lost loads of weight a few years back and it's the only system that has ever helped me shed the excess baggage.  I signed up online (no shaming in public, thank you) and today a set of bathroom scales were purchased.  

This time, it's personal.

So, if you thought my blog was a meaningless piece of fluff built around the transient world of celebrities, technology and speculation you can breathe a sigh of relief.  It's about to turn into a reality show!  

First weigh in happens tomorrow morning.  After that, you will be treated to weekly progress updates, insights, grumbles and general waffle about my quest for leanness.  All support welcome!

RHODES TO HELL

Is it just me, or is this picture of Gary Rhodes a bit unsettling?  The Daily Mail - 2008's answer to Gay Times - pours much admiration over the buffness of Gazza, praising his 47 year old bod.  A few pages later, they are slating Madonna's 49 year old bod with the usual accusations of man arms and airbrushing.  Hey ho.

RIP ME OFF WHY DONCHA

I love Amazon.  It's a total time sucker.  Window shopping without Windows.  Now and again, something pops up that is just a must have.   Like this:

For someone like me who has a load of devices that all eat up memory, a 2Gb memory card for 40p is an amazing deal.  So I thought ok at that price I could treat myself.  One for my digital photo frame which will double its memory, one for my EeePC, one to keep films and music on that can plug into my MacBook Air, and a spare one for my camera.  So explain this.

Oh, it's not actually an Amazon item which means that the sodding partner company can charge £5 postage on a 40p item.  Not just a 40p item, but one which weighs approx 1.98g.  Wonderful.  

Back to the drawing board.

4 MINUTES TO RULE THE WORLD

Well, he quest for world domination is underway, and you'd be lucky if you could throw a stick at the moment without it hitting something Madonna related.  Even I am contributing to the problem!  Ahh, I love to be the cynical blogger playing the part of the naysaying minority, but actually on this one I'm starting to come round.  The sheer genius of this campaign holds me in such enthrall.  Madonna's "4 Minutes" is currently the #1 Single, Video and Ringtone on iTunes.  The album is at #6 on pre-orders alone, and doesn't come out for another 3 weeks.  She is on the cover of Dazed & Confused, Q, Elle, Interview, Vanity Fair, and at least one tabloid every day.  The machine runneth over.  But is it deserved?  By anyones standards the answer has to be yes. She's still at the top of her game after 25 years of work and commands attention like no other.  

But for Madonna herself, this new album does seem like she is playing catch up.  Where once her music was ahead of its time (sometimes we didn't even realise it at the time) and her choice of collaborators not only brought them to the public eye but launched careers for them in their own right (Orbit, Mirwais, Price) she now has to go grovelling cap in hand to Timbaland and Timberlake seeking out the success they have brought to smaller shining stars like the Furtado.  I think it's the first time Madonna has been one step behind the pack.

No doubt the album will blow away the competition.  Going up against Madonna with an album must be a bit like the ant shouting at the polar bear.  Although she has arrived late at the party, something tells me her album will set a standard that others will have to follow.  Justin must be laughing himself to sleep on a daily basis.  Could someone please tell me how the nerdy one from N*Sync - the one with the wafro - ended up being one of the coolest and most sought after collaborators and producers in the world?  Methinks Satan owns another soul.  Here's a photo of Justin from the new Mike Myers film "The Love Guru" which looks very good. Trailer here

AND BREATHE

I hope you enjoyed yesterdays April Fools Day RickRolling.  For those of you who had until then been a RickRolling virgin, congratulations!

Anyway to make up for it here is a treat in the form of a new Mac advert!  Geek pride!

HRRRNNKKKK!!!!! HRRRNNNKKKKK!!!!!!!

O. M. G.

Madonna's new album has leaked!!  It's absolutely bloody amazing.  If you want to listen, click HERE.

Be quick it's likely to be gone round about lunchtime.