HEART FAILURE FOOD

Our little trip home to Aberdeen is quite an eye opener in terms of
how east it is to fall off the health wagon. Like some kind of
desperate food-AA meeting-goer, I have indulged in the pleasures of
the fork and felt the shame afterwards. Last night we had a family
trip to the ice cream shop where I happily wolfed down 3 scoops of ice
cream covered in warm marshmallow sauce, Oreo cookies and sprinkles.
Oh how I lived. As much as I love being back in the homeland, its a
dangerous place to be for someone such as I who is so obviously
addicted to sugar.

My confession absolves me of guilt, and will carry me through until
lunch.

KTHNXBAI

You have got to be kidding!

MAC(PIE)MONKEY

For all the fans out there.... this is the good stuff

OCH AYE

Hello from Scotland!

OH MY (TIME) LORD

This picture just about made me wet my pants.

HEIL HEINZ

Blogging is often an arduous task.  For every story about Britney (although they have been thin on the ground lately) there's another that I wish just didn't exist.  There are times when I think 'oh I could just not mention that' and get away with another lazy half hearted review of Doctor Who.  Sadly, today is not one of those days.  

Certain things really annoy me.  One is when papers like The Sun run headlines like "Derren Brown: Mind Bender" and the other is companies who buckle at the first sign of bigotry.  Yes, Heinz, I do mean you.  Spineless cowards.

For those blissfully unaware, Heinz have been showing ads on TV where the 'mum' of the family is replaced by a New York deli chef.  This is supposed to symbolise the authenticity of their shit mayonnaise.  At the end of the ad, 'mum' gets a full on kiss from dad as he leaves for work.  If this were a traditional ad, Mum would be blonde and probably roll her eyes at the end, still smiling.  Nobody would care, despite the gender stereotypical behaviour of the family.  However, the ad in its current form has now been pulled by Heinz because people have complained it is offensive and 'inappropriate to show two men kissing'.  Blimey that sounds serious!  Have people been boycotting mayonnaise?  Have Heinz factories been picketed?  No.  This is all down to 200 complaints to OFCOM.  200.  Heinz probably sells 200 jars of mayonnaise every minute.  But Heinz say that they 'listen to customers' and have decided to withdraw the advert.  I repeat, spineless cowards.

Wouldn't it be nice for a company to say hey 200 mental people, you know what?  Fuck off.  Take your narrow minded attitudes and poke them.  We don't want your custom.  Go elsewhere.  The ad was supposed to be a joke, get over yourselves.  Instead, Heinz take the road well travelled and even in 2008 will bow to the pressure of the vocal bigoted minority.

Shame on you.  Sadly I just ate some baked beans before reading about this story but for me, that's my last can of Heinz.  As a high earning man with no children, I can afford whichever bloody beans I choose, and from now on it won't be Heinz.  And faithful readers, if you would care to join me in my little protest I encourage you to do so.  It's not much, but that seems to be all it takes for Heinz to cave in so it's worth a try.

Unbelievable.

MONDAY MASS: WEEK ELEVEN

Damn that creme egg twister.  

WHO REVIEW: 4.11

And so to the beginning of the end, and if this episode is anything to go by the end is upon us and oh is it mighty.  Even though this episode could have been called Sliding Tardis Doors it was still well crafted and kept me on the edge of my seat for 47 minutes.  Multiple realities and universes all folding in on themselves, just your usual Saturday night really.  It was a bit like one of those Eastenders episodes that only feature Ethel and Dot but with invisible beetles and vanishing stars.  Good performance yet again from Catherine Tate, and a disappointingly average return from Billie who has turned into GI Rose and speaks a little bit like Janet Street Porter with dry gums.  To be honest, they could all have sat in silence for the whole thing and I would still have loved it.  The lead up to a finale is always a great event, particularly when this involves the departure of Russell T Davies (long may he reign).  It does look like all the stops have been firmly pulled out, with cameos from every single companion and colleague from Nu:Who.  And not to mention a certain man called Davros!

Oh and can I just take you back to my prediction from Episode 1:  where are all the bees?

SCARY FANCY DRESS

Is this the creepiest fancy dress display ever? Child nurse?? WTF!?!?!

FLIP OUT

New York: Manhattan at Night
Originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul

Finally, the FlipVideo is available in the UK. I was lucky enough to grab one on our recent visit to NY and can highly recommend it as a fantastic way to get into video making. It's not some whizzy 50x zoom High Def pro camera. It's the kind of thing you put in your pocket and use to take videos of stuff that will end up on YouTube. It takes AA batteries so you don't have to worry about charging it, and there's enough memory for an hour of video. I'm really impressed with my Flip and give it a solid 4 out of 5 monkey stars.

Get yours from Play.com today!

MAKE THE BOYS WINK

It's all gone very shallow around Monkey Towers this week hasn't it. Pictures of men everywhere, flesh gratuitously displayed for all to paw.  I wouldn't be surprised if some of your screens have lick marks.  I know mine does.  So, I promise to stop being so base and move onto more culturally and intellectually challenging material.  

Until then, here's a photo of Frank Lampard wearing a pink vest.  Kthnxbai.

MORE MORE MORE

Click for super big versions!

Like London buses, photos of Becks in his pants are coming at us thick and fast.  It would be rude not to print them for your perusal.

WELCOME BACK SIR

Can I be among the first to welcome back HotRobbie who seems to have found his way from Beardland back to Sexyville.  We salute you.

Becks Sans Kecks

However much Armani paid him for these adverts, it wasn't enough.  Now where did I put that courgette?  Has anyone seen it?

BLEEDING EDGE

In the Southend Yellow Advertiser this week, an investigative report into the proposed ban on flowers by Southend Hospital.  The views of three local florists are printed in full.  Should flowers be banned?  Their response: an emphatic "no way."

Next week, be amazed as the Yellow Advertiser tackles the thorny question of whether or not  Christmas Dinner should be illegal by randomly interviewing members of the turkey community.  It's journalism by the seat of your pants baby.

Flatiron Building by Me

Flatiron Building, originally uploaded by paulmonkeypaul.

It feels like so long ago......

GET READY TO BLEEP THIS

I've always had a soft spot for Joan Rivers, but today her star is on the ascent even more.  Not only did she appear on Loose Women (bonus 'camp' points) but she described Russell Crowe, live on air, as a "piece of fucking shit".  High fives all round!

GAYS LOVE ANYTHING PRETTY

Excuse me, hello, sorry to disturb you... yes, it's 2008 here. Sorry to bother you Mr Sun, but you appear to be in 1985 still.  Really just wanted to apologise if nobody told you that the world had changed a bit while you were asleep.  Sorry about that, it must be tough for you.  Its just, in 2008, the fact that a celebrity is a hit with men isn't actually news any more.  Just wanted to let you know.  You can go back to sleep again now.  

MONDAY MASS: WEEK TEN

Back in the right direction, but beginning to question the target date....

X FOR XTRA FUN

I spotted this a couple of days ago then totally forgot to mention it.  Cheryl's fierceness is in direct inverse proportion to Dermot's.  What's happened to the man?? Gimp hair.  Dannii looks hot but slightly Lola Ferrari-ish.  Louis looks surprised to be there.  Simon looks rich.  And as for the blonde thing at the back who shall not be named, who did she blow to get that gig?  Bring back Fearne Cotton.  And that's saying something!  Meow.

LIES AND STATISTICS

It's really easy to get obsessed with hit-counters.  Believe me!  When I started this new blog in January, I watched it creep from 1 to 10 to 12 really slowly.  Then something strange happened, and within 4 months I had hit 1000 visitors.  Very impressed I was.  So imagine how I feel now, that within a month I have gained a further 60% increase.  In just 4 weeks I've gone from 1000 hits to 1650.  Bonkers!  Whoever you are, hello!  Please do feel free to introduce yourselves in the comments box.  If I hit 2000 I will buy each of you a drink!!

WHO REVIEW 4.10

I must learn to manage my expectations about Doctor Who.  I really thought this week would be terrible after the highs of the last 2 episodes.  Even for the first few minutes I was sceptical.  No Donna.  Carol from Eastenders.  Rose from Bob & Rose.  How wrong could I be.  Aside from it looking at times like an actors' workshop, this was one of the most interesting episodes of recent times.  Claustrophobic and tense, with no apparent and visible danger, it was written and acted beautifully.  Lesley Sharp blew me away as the possessed monster.  Interestingly enough, the Doctor didn't do an awful lot to save the day, and was brought down with a bump when his usual approach to saving everyone was used against him.  A good solid 4 out of 5 for this one.

And next week, it looks like we're into the final story arc for the last three episodes.  Rose returns (squeal) and, Donna Noble... you have something on your back.

LIVEBLOGGING THE APPRENTICE

10 minutes to go. The tension in this household is unbearable. Which is strange, as I'm the only one here. Even the cat is AWOL. My nerves are shot to bits worrying about Virgin bloody Broadband. Hopefully it will all be fine.

Whoops just realised I was still on Channel 4. Missed the first few seconds. Not off to a good start! Was nice to see Phil and Kirstie though. Anyway... we're off!

I will never tire of Lee McQueen's Alarm Clock impression from the opening credits.
Ok recap of the interviews from Hell. That was all just bullying. Will Alex mention being 24? And there goes "zany" Lucinda.

Week 12. Have I mentioned how much I love those amazing night shots of London. Just gorgeous. Claire shouldn't do impressions of Sir Alan it's really not good. Dinner with Sir Alan. Is that a treat? Alex could have worn a tie.

Football talk. Yawn. Lee looks quite hot tonight!

Claire just said she will make someone a great wife. WTF? Why not just slide under the table now and sort him out that way.

Morning! FRANCES!! YAY!! We love Frances. Alex looks like shit.

Oooh an empty art gallery how exciting. There's old Margaret Mountford. What a diva goddess bitch that woman is. She's probably looking at them thinking "you disgust me".

Teams set up. And here come the rejects!!

Oh it's not all of them what a shame! Ginger Jenny looks like she has had hair extensions. Point to me. That was a bit cruel, making them pick like it was PE at school. Ha evil Jenny was last! Can't believe Simon wasn't chosen first that was a mistake. I liked Simon.

I wish Alex would stop doing that pouty mouth thing where he chews the inside of his lip. So annoying. Oh Claire how can you tell Lee you are not in competition? You snake. Lee said fucking nail it.

They have got a selection of really crap fragrances to use as their samples.

BINGO Alex just told us he is 24. Also he has the 'full package' wahey.

Lee is mapping out his vision of modern man. He worries about ingrown hairs apparently. He has a manicure. He definitely shaves his balls. Well well.

Why is Claire talking to plumbers? They smell of bleach. Michael Sophocles is still really annoying I hate him.

Lee and Claire going for MACHO brand. Pssst? Primal? Dollar? Is this the 80s? Roulette? You what?? Why not just call it knob.

Alex and George Dawes are creating a bottle while plank Helene is brainstorming a name. She said STRONG! That's one of my predictions! Alex smells of arrogance. Tee hee.

Am quite liking the ideas for the Roulette bottle! I wouldn't buy it, but then I don't have manicures.

Oh dear how is Alex going to come up with a bottle design without a concept or a name? Fail. He's going to let George Dawes make the decision. Don't do it! A stress ball bottle? Massive fail.

I love the idea of the top up container to take out. I would buy one of those! It really annoys me that you can't get the lid off aftershave and pour it into another little portable one.

Why are they going to a focus group without anything to focus on? Helene is such a no hoper. Irish snake Jenny can't wait to put the shoe in.

Lee McQueen is like an excited 4 year old. He is so going to win. He said THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! Yay. I like the way he says bwand.

Oh god why would you let Raef make an advert after the whole Sian Lloyd fiasco? I quite like the idea of duality, although I would have some bloke in a suit who then reveals some kind of womens' lingerie underneath. I have to say I love the bottle of Dual. I would so buy that. If it smelled nice. Bearing in mind Helene is in charge of smell it will probably be reminiscent of booze. Oh dear. Candyfloss? Curry? Loser.

Lee McQueens advert is like some really terribly naff 80s Magnum pastiche. He is telling the model that she wants him to make love to her? He will take her to another... place? Wow sex with Lee McQueen must be random.

Alex wants to get up at 8. Does he think it's a holiday? These two are so going to lose. You can't be arguing with each other at this stage.

Oh my lord the Roulette posters are hideous. They should have called the aftershave Cheesy. Lee is so going to mess up the presentation. Kind of an essential thing really. I hope he doesn't panic and talk about people shaving their balls. Oh no he's having a diva moment.

Oh no I sense an argument brewing. Alex and Helene have created an aftershave that smells of chocolate. Now I'm no marketing man, but everything chocolate related is usually aimed at women?? Hmmm maybe my idea of lingerie is a winner after all.

Poor Lee McQueen just can't remember his lines.

Dual: release your inner self. What's that about? Alex sounds like he has been taken over by a cyberman. Oh irish Jenny seems to just be here this week to stick the knife in and twist it. What exactly has she contributed? George Dawes wants to inject his personality into Alex and Helene. I wonder if he will use a turkey baster?

Claire should have worn sleeves with those bingo wings. Here come the presentations. I'm nervous for them! Lee has worked his tits off for 12 weeks and is going to cry. Don't, because if he goes I'll start.

Oh dear. What's with the jugglers and porky showgirl? Is their frangrance called Kylie at Glastonbury? That was random. Claire: Gambling is important. You what?? Lee knows a cheeky chap who places a bet. He's doing well so far! Better than Claire who just comes at you like a bulldog. Lee looks and feels like a man, and wants to smell like a man. That got a laugh bless him. The ad is absolutely awful but totally in character with the fragrance. It's actually totally hideous but it suits the bottle. Claire is coming across really badly! She said the fragrance had animal notes? Does that mean something to do with musk glands? Claire is glamorourising gambling. There's something a little bit strange about this. You don't really want to ask Claire a question because she'll probably hit you. Lee did well there!

And onto Alex and Plank. Nice bit of martial arts action there! Oh please tell me they are not launching Hi-Karate (google it, 20 year olds). Alex is going to take us on a journey. Shame he is doing it with the passion of a bus conductor. Our brand is the versatility of mankind? WTF. Helene is boring them to death now while Alex poses with the bottle like he is on the price is right. Nice bottle, shame about the smell? The dual ad looks really gay! It's like a man cruising himself in a gay nightclub. Apparently someone thinks it's extraordinary! I bet he is trying to get into Alex's pants. Helene looks so relieved that it's over. Time to hit the bar!

Whoops got a bit distracted by the comments there. Thank you Nicole!!! xxx

Right, focus. They are off to the boardroom. Why are all the losers going in too? Has anyone noticed that the (geek moment) filter they use on the cameras makes everyones' eyes and skin look amazing in the boardroom.

Blimey Simon said something! Claire thinks all of the boardroom men are metrosexual? She has her finger nowhere near the pulse. Claire says they didn't promote roulette? Oooh Nick got really serious there! Roulette=gambling=debt=misery=fear=the dark side. Looks like their fragrance didn't smell nice. That's a bit of a fail.

Over to Alex. Nick just said their day was a washout. He's got the claws out this week! Margaret is being very reserved. I bet she takes them down with one sentence later. Helene is already defending herself. This doesn't look like it will go well. Alex stop chewing your lip. Oh no Helene has copied her favourite perfume! Is Angel any good? Is Alex wearing lipstick? Snake Jenny has kept her mouth shut for a surprisingly long time. Bye bye losers.

Decision time. My money is well and truly on Alex and Helene going. Oh, the gambling thing is coming up again. Maybe I'm wrong? Then again, the Dual bottle looks like it's going to bite Alex and Helene on the ass. Alex is getting defensive. That's never a good sign. I reckon they are going. I'm so indecisive!

Cue the drums. And the losers are.....? He's really milking it isn't he. Has Sir Alan had a blue rinse?

ALEX AND HELENE FIRED! Told you so. Aww Claire and Lee both started to cry. I really want Lee to win. Alex is crying too. What a baby. Still, he is only 24. Helene is probably telling the taxi driver to take her to a pub. Ganged up on in the boardroom? Oh Helene get over yourself. Alex has dried his tears quickly! He's hardly slept and eaten in 12 weeks? I don't think so.

Go Margaret! She is being really nice about both Lee and Claire. Why are the losers going back in with them? No need for that. I'd be really put off if Ginger Jenny was sitting there making faces. Michael sounds like a five year old when he speaks. Aww bless Simon I wanted him to win at the beginning. Looks like 2 votes to Claire though. Ginger Jenny thinks Lee is amazing because he opens doors for people. Literally or metaphorically?

Lee wants it.

Margaret Mountford gets great soft focus in the boardroom. Takes years off her. Claire thinks she is more calmer and considered? This is just telling him what he wants to hear. More drive? I don't think so sweetheart. Lee has demonstwated man management. Wahey! He did a good summing up there. Oh be quiet Claire you're annoying me now. Lee dewivered evewy single time. It's nice to see him be a bit ballsy about himself. Here comes the bassline.

Decision time!!!

It's Lee!!! I was right!! Yay!!!

He looks chuffed to little bits! Bwess him. He swaggered out of that office like he had just been crowned king of the world! And he gets a flash car not an old taxi. No comment from Claire then! Be careful the door doesn't hit you on the arse on the way out eh.

And that's it, the end of another series of The Apprentice. It's been special. What am I going to do with Wednesday evenings now? Big love to everyone who was here tonight and a special big smooch to Pixie for playing along :) xx

Hello Garry! Yes, it's good that Lee won, and hopefully your neighbours were pleased and not just being murdered xx

I'm fired.

WE HAVE LIFT OFF

... or at least we have ignition.  Virgin is back online which means, wind in the right direction, the Apprentice Liveblog is happening in 23 minutes.  The last hour has been spent wandering around the house with my Macbook Air at various heights and angles (thankfully it's light) trying to pick up a wifi signal in the same room as a TV.  Nothing.  Although I did discover something called BT FON which sounds quite fun.  

So, keep your fingers and toes crossed that nothing goes tits up for the next couple of hours.

I'm so excited!

Oh and if it does happen, I want this to be a 2-way conversation!  I want comments people.  Join the web 2.0 interactive revolution!

VIRGIN MEDIA ARE SHIT

I just realised that the man from Virgin Media didn't call me at 10am today with an explanation for our service problems.  Fucker.  I forgot mainly due to the fact everything was ok this morning.  I am reminded of the fact now because our broadband service is down again.  Great.  Right now I'm 'borrowing' wifi from neighbours (thanks) but for some reason it is only available upstairs.  

The Apprentice Liveblog is in jeopardy!  The tv is downstairs!

Virgin will pay for this.  Big time. 

Hopefully a solution can be found before 9pm.  Stay tuned.

BE HERE, 9PM

The country is literally not bothered about the final of The Apprentice tonight, but I am. Faithful readers, I will be giving it LITERALLY 110% and thinking totally "out of the blog" as I undertake a world first (for me) and LiveBlog the Apprentice Final.

So you, yes you, better be here at 9pm sharp. I've no idea how it will work, but hopefully inspiration will come with the first waft of Wotherspoon.

For the record, here are my predictions:

• Most of the losers will have undergone some kind of makeover for their return


• At least one female loser will have had hair extensions


• At least one male loser will have had liposuction


• Lucinda will be bullied by Ginger Jenny


• Raef will say something which on the surface looks profound but is actually meaningless.


• The two made up fragrances will have names like "POWER" or "GLORY"


• The losing team will be Alex and Helene.


• The eventual winner will be Lee McQueen

Will I be right? Do I care? You bet Margaret Mountford I do.

Be here for up-to-the-second commentary and analysis from someone who is old enough to have better things to do. That's what I'm talking about.

QUICK AND DIRTY

As I'm now paranoid that our net service may vanish at any time, like a shouty man constantly asking "are you still there" to the sharp end of a mobile phone, I thought I could do a quick news roundup of things that have caught my eye.  Things like:

Cheryl Cole replacing Sharon Osbourne on the X Factor.   On one hand this is amazing because Cheryl is absolutely the best Girl Aloud, but can you really see her being a mentor to anyone?  Does she genuinely have the knowledge and skills to help someone develop as a performer?  I hope so.  Sharon who?

Fern Britton takes "time off".  As a result of gastricbandgate, Fern has apparently been told to have some garden leave until the heat dies down.  Well that's one way of ensuring it will take a lot longer for the heat to die down!

DigitalSpy report that Madonna has hired a divorce lawyer and is about to get rid of Mr Richie.  Rather than showing concern, they super soaraway reported that with NO pre-nup, Madge is in for a fleecing. 

Shock horror, Andy Scott-Lee and Michelle Heaton have split up.  Did I ever tell you I met them?  I'll show you the photographic proof if you don't believe me!

For now, faithful reader, that is all.

USELESS IDIOTS

Our home internet service went down last night, which caused me within 15 minutes to sweat profusely and swear at the useless lump who answered the phone at Virgin Media. I think I may have addiction issues.  The 'best' they could do is send a technician round on Saturday afternoon.  Neither efficient nor convenient.  Anyway there's only so much ranting you can do on an overseas call so I swallowed my rage and agreed.  Facing 4 days with no internet.  It made me suddenly realise how much of my life is lived online!  I couldn't blog.  There was no way to work out how many points are in a salmon fillet.  The latest episode of my favourite podcast remained undownloaded.  Thankfully, it only took a few minutes to find that one of the neighbours has an open wifi network so I was surfing again in no time, but that's not the point.  This morning our own service has miraculously resurrected itself which now leaves me with the dilemma of do I cancel the techie for Saturday and have a nice day out, or play it safe just in case it falls over again.  The lesson I did learn from this whole thing is that Virgin Media customer services suck balls, and that even the 'let me speak to your supervisor' move was pointless.  I don't care where in the world the call centre is based, I just wish they would employ people who had the power to make decisions and solve problems.  Four days with no internet, with my reputation?  I don't think so Mr Branson.

EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES EMPLOYER

Someone has a great Comms team!  Digitalspy.co.uk is reporting that Essex County Council is going to create, tailor and offer a post to the runner up of the Apprentice.  The leader of the council said something about....oh god I can't do this.  It's such bollocks.  Honestly, are we to believe this complete and utter rubbish?  The story is planted to show how great it is to work for a local authority but to be frank if they are prepared to just make up a job using tax payers money then the whole cabinet should be fired.  That said, if Alex Wertherspoonerism ends up working for ECC there's a certain Mr Pixie who I will be meeting regularly for lunch and a stalk round County Hall.

iPhone 3G. Shock.

Is Apple losing its touch?  Well, duh, of course not.  However there is something less and less exciting about each of Steve Jobs' keynote speeches.  Even 18 months ago they were absolutely shrouded in secrecy and fanboys like me were genuinely surprised when something amazing was revealed as 'one more thing'.  For today's speech there was pretty much nothing new that we hadn't already seen leaked or discussed.  MobileMe / Me.com is good but really just what dotMac should have been all along.  iPhone App Store.... ok, just give it to us.  iPhone Software 2.0 yeah yeah amazing now where is it.  And iPhone 3G.  Yes, I will foam at the mouth when I see one but there are still things missing, like video calling.  Maybe I should stop reading rumour sites and spoiling it for myself, or maybe Apple needs to start throwing in some curveballs now and again.  WWDC was pretty average as far as announcements go.  "Apple brings out 3G iPhone" is great, but could be better.

THROW SOME SHAPES

My Cyndi Lauper Love-a-thon continues with the release of her new video "Into the Nightlife" which is not only a top cheesy dance song, but it was filmed in New York club Splash where I once sang along to musicals on the big screen with a roomfull of NY's finest.  Fact of the day:  Cyndi is in the mens' toilets in the video.  They have glass walls.  

GEEKSQUEAK

So today is a big day for us Apple Geeks.  It's the start of the WorldWide Developers Conference 2008, and sees our Lord, Master and Glorious Leader Steve Jobs take to the stage and whip everyone into a frenzy.  These events generate so much speculation among the fanboy communities online it's completely bonkers.  With a policy of non-disclosure, Apple do not discuss any new products until they are announced which means every mysterious envelope or change of font is unpicked for meaning.

The announcement of iPhone2 with 3G is apparently a no brainer.  So much so that even the News of the World yesterday had a small story just saying "Apple will launch the new iPhone tomorrow" which is actually total speculation but printed as fact.  Oh, well, I guess it is the News of the World.  Anyway.  Rumours galore about what will or will not be announced at WWDC.  The top rumours at the moment are:

1.  iPhone, with 3G, video calling, new design.

2.  Possible launch of a tablet Mac, bigger than an iPhone but with similar design.

3.  Relaunch of the .Mac online service, rebranded as MobileMe or Me.com

Let's see what happens at 6:00 this evening.  If anyone would like to watch as it happens, go to www.macrumorslive.com or www.engadget.com and yes, sites like this do exist and yes, I love them.

WHO REVIEW: 4.9

As you saw last week, I was practically foaming and raving at the magnificence of the Library episode.  I had high hopes for Part 2.  They were met, and more.  Much of the episode for me was spent digging fingernails out of my palms because I was just so tense! It was genuinely scary and pretty psychologically disturbing in parts.  Everyone shone in the episode, even Catherine Tate who held her own in a pretty intense sub-plot.  I can't believe there are only 4 episodes left in this amazing series.  

So would anyone care to guess his name?  

MONDAY MASS: WEEK NINE

Meh.  Where did those 2 come from this week?  Has anyone got Fern's phone number?

OH BROTHER

It's really difficult trying to write something about Big Brother.  Really.  Go on, you try.  The initial temptation is to use phrases like "fish in a barrel" but then you realise that the fish never chose to live in said dwelling and that in the case of the BB Housemates, shooting may be too good for them.  There's something ironic about the society we live in when the Government battles human rights campaigners against detaining people for 42 days without charge, while we sit at home watching hopeless muppets navigating a 'zero tolerance' environment for 93.  They will literally be put in jail for breaking the rules. That doesn't even happen out here.  With all the work being done to smooth cultural relationships, it's amazing how a contestant like Mohamed can undo so much goodwill by introducing himself as "not a terrorist".  Actually that wasn't on my list of words.  Even Prophet and Boxer came before the T word,  but they were still pretty far down.  There were points during the launch show where the house looked like a day centre for the dysfunctional.  All we need is for Davina to do a Saturday morning basket weaving session and we're there.  

In all honesty, it's harmless entertainment for most.  A daily dose of schadenfreude to keep us from throwing ourselves off bridges.  As the news dies down over summer, BB generates instant headlines for the otherwise empty tabloids.  The entire staff of Heat magazine would probably be out of a job were it not for BB.  So it's with a bitter taste in the mouth and a heavy heart that I watch them set sail for another voyage of the damned.  I'm sure I will be watching now and again, and no doubt it will give me something to write about too.  You see, I'm part of the problem not the solution.  

YOU'RE ON THE FENCE

And so The Apprentice winds its weary way to the final which is turning out to be not a final at all but another task episode where three people will have to get fired.  You would think Suralin with his 40 years in business, £800 million pound empire and 6 trusted advisors would actually have been able to make a decision.  Maybe he was having a senior moment.  Lucinda made the fatal mistake of being honest and questioning her motivation which to be fair had only been planted in her head in the first place by one of the bulldozer interviewers.  Alex could barely wait to squeal her up in the board room which eventually led to her sad demise.  "Too Zany" apparently.  So why the hell did she not go earlier? It's not like she suddenly changed overnight.  I remember seeing her wearing a beret in week one!

So we're left with 4 muppets who apparently are all so good they should be in the final.  There's Lee who was exposed as a liar, Claire who apparently does not listen ever, Helene who is more suited to the X Factor with her sob story, and Alex who is 24.  Yes, 24.  Did anyone notice that Alex is 24?  He's 24 you know.  Can you imagine when he's 95 and does that thing of telling everyone how old he is?  

Not really bothered about who wins now.  Frankly it's hard to pick a favourite in a four horse race.  I'm leaning towards Lee McQueen because even though he did lie about 2 years of university, he has a desperate need to be accepted and really wants the chance to do the job.  Out of all of them, he would be the most compliant, and in all honesty that's probably what this show is about.  One more week to go!!

WHO REVIEW: 4.8

Just thinking about this episode makes me shiver slightly.  It was really quite creepy and absolutely brilliant.  The trailer for it 2 weeks ago made no impact on me whatsoever, which is probably why I waited 3 days to watch it.  What a shocker - it was amazing!  One of the best episodes ever in my opinion.  Set entirely in the confines of 3 or 4 rooms, it followed on from "Blink" but this time the statues spoke and the shadows killed.  So many excellent threads which were all given space to breathe - a first for this series - and at the end all the threads were dangling.  Genuine danger, unanswered questions and a whole can of worms on the floor.  I am totally excited to watch next week.  Who is Alex Kingston's character and where can I get a Tardis journal?  Is it all in the mind of the little girl or is she somehow linked to another planet?  Will I ever be able to listen to a 'data ghost' without a shivery spine?  Oh and as for the rest of the series trailer: Rose, Daleks... total nerdgasm.  This is what Saturday night TV is all about.  Even if it was watched on a Tuesday.

SHAME ON YOU BBC

DJ died after drugs and bondage: Former Radio 1 Breakfast DJ Kevin Greening died after taking part in a gay bondage session, an inquest hears.

No, that didn't come from the Daily Mail or the Sun but from the BBC news website who apparently have a new policy of eating their dead. Literally. I expect better from the BBC than a salacious, homophobic tabloid account of a man's death. I expect even more from an employer writing about the untimely death of a valued and respected employee. Instead, we are treated to the delightful cliches of a "gay bondage session" where details of leather slings, restraints and illegal drugs are titilatingly scattered throughout what should be a respectful report.

Personally I don't think anyone cares what people get up to in their bedrooms. We used to be amused by stories of MPs with bin bags over their heads and oranges in their mouths, but those were different times. I would have hoped that both the public and the media had grown up a bit since then. And to a degree, we all have. I just think there are certain invisible lines that should not be crossed, and one of them is to talk about sex between two men in a positive light. Kevin's partner paid tribute by describing their sex life as "not conventional by heterosexual norms perhaps but it was vigorous and imaginative and we enjoyed each other". Wow! How many people can truly say that about their long term partnerships? To me this is just a sleazy piece of gutter reporting based on 70s values and a little bit of jealousy.

I hope the staff and viewers of the BBC make their feelings known.

REAL MEN EAT PANDA

In a world of celebrity superficiality and gastric banding, it's refreshing to see Jack Black showing the world that there is room for a bit of real body lovin'.  Yes, I know he falls into the category of "funny" and therefore can wear whatever size trousers he wants, but there is something unexplainably sexy about Jack, crazy haired and bare bellied between 2 Hollywood Hotties.  Or am I alone in my wicked thoughts?

MY EYES, THEY BURN

Vile loser Michael from The Apprentice has 'confessed' to being a gambling addicted rent boy.  Nice.  Bet Sir Alan is glad he didn't get the job then.  Now, call me old fashioned, but a confession usually involves some enticement or threat.  It looks like Michael could barely keep his mouth shut as soon as the tabloids waved a bit of cash in front of him.  Old dog new tricks springs to mind.  If you actually watch the hideous video on the News of the World website he unleashes a 5 minute stream of consciousness where he uses words like 'baudy' and 'seedy' to describe his life.  It's not Moulin Rouge honey.  The interviewer sits there snorting and grunting, barely having to ask any questions.  It wouldn't surprise me if he was masturbating over the salacious details of Michael's hot and steamy sex life.  To be honest, I pity the fools who ever paid him money for sex, although in all of his 'confessions' he only actually admits to 2 and one of them had a moustache.  Let's hope this little blurt of celebrity is the last we hear from this man.  Otherwise, I'll happily start a collection to pay for his silence.

MONDAY MASS: WEEK EIGHT

And that's without a gastric band.

CELEBRITY FAT-WAH!

I have had enough.  I have had it up to *here*.  I am totally fucking sick of celebrities getting publicity and making money out of "miraculous weight loss" stories which turn out to be absolute bollocks.  There is enough misery and suffering in the world without some Z lister making people feel even worse about themselves by promoting unrealistic expectations.  If it's not Sean Macguire and his "eat 7 times a day and spend 4 hours in the gym" Spartan-esque body, or Natalie Cassidy and her "no carbs after 3am and 6 workouts per day" headline grabbing bodies, it's good old Fern Britton.  Once a role model for the 'fuller-figured' woman, Fern has been telling any magazine who listened about how she has lost 5 stone in 2 years by walking the dog, eating plenty of porridge and cycling lot.  Great!  It seems like good advice to me.  Something anyone can do.

Except it's a lie.  It turns out Fern had a gastric band fitted 2 years ago.  Put one in me and I'd lose 5 stone.  Bloody hell, stick one in my cat and without any porridge at all he'd be a size zero in no time.  

I couldn't care less about Fern's weight-loss surgery.  What does royally piss me off is that she has filled pages and pages of magazine space lying to people.  Anyone who has been eating porridge and cycling, comparing their weight loss to hers, wondering why Fern has done so well and they haven't.... I honestly think they should make their feelings known to her.  It's irresponsible, inaccurate and downright dangerous for someone in Fern's position, with her influence, to mislead people like this.  Yes, the magazines are to blame too but what the hell, just don't buy them.  All they want to do is sell more copies and they don't care what shit they print to do so.  It's people like Fern Britton who should be apologising to the nation and I hope she does so soon.