COME OUT KIAN

This one has been hovering on the periphery for a long time but finally Kian Westlife has been dragged kicking and screaming out of the closet.  Yes pop pickers, he has a comb forward.  

Look how bald he is!!  There have been rumours about this for as long as those filthy ones about Mark being a gay, but now it's time for KiKi to embrace his real self.

Say it loud, say it proud, I'm bald (and gay).  Ok so that last bit was more wishful thinking.

CAN'T GET YOU OUT OF MY BED

Is there anything that celebrities won't endorse?  Not content with her 'darling' perfume, BraveKylie is launching her own bedding collection.  Yes... bedding.  Can anyone find the link because I am struggling.  It looks nice and sparkly though so I'll probably buy it.

POSH AND PECS

So after saying something negative about Mrs Beckham I thought I should re-balance the karma of the universe by showing this photo of Mr B and encouraging people to just bask in the glory of him.

  

TOO POSH TO PUKE

So take a look at these two photos.  The first is the new piece of Posh Propaganda, promoting Marc Jacob's campaign to prevent skin cancer.  The second is Kelly Osbourne photoshopped to a size zero.  Spot the difference??

When I first saw the photo of Kelly I thought it looked vile and wrong.  But then you reaslie that actually most of our 'popular' female stars to actually look like that in real life.  Funny how we have just come to accept malnutrition as an ideal.  

FILTHY COKED UP MAN WHORE

It's Wednesday so it must be time for another celebrity drugs scandal.  Today it's the turn of squeaky clean Mr Rachel Stevens, favourite of the "girls and gays", Jeremy Edwards.

The Sun (of course) 'reports' that Jezza was caught with cocaine while on holiday and that his mum is apparently not impressed at all.  Naughty boy.  Sadly his 23 year old (!) girlfriend who is described as laid back is not so bothered.  Then again, why would a 23 year old girlfriend of a hunky tv actor be bothered by such a thing when she's probably getting some nice shoes out of it.

Be careful Mr Edwards, it's a slippery slope.  However, if you must do it at least switch to Diet Coke.  Those moobs don't do anyone any favours.

COME IN AMY YOUR TIME IS UP

Grammar aside (shouldn't it be Amy has three months to live?), The NOTW is going all Mystic Meg on us and prophesising the sad demise of the Winehouse.  Is it me, or does someone going into rehab usually signify a hopeful upward spiral rather than a careering swerve to oblivion?  

Apparently the red tops won't rest until Amy is dead and buried, and then they can mourn her wasted talent and the sad state of affairs in the world.

PS nice to see she has gone 'back to black'.  Tee hee.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES #4

In my humble opinion, the only thing that tops a laminated printed sign is an angrily scrawled hand written one where the person is trying to make SUCH an important point that they JUST NEED TO SAY IT and fuck the spelling or grammatical mistakes.

For example, this gem found in a greasy spoon cafe in Ipswich.  Lovely breakfast, nasty sign.

THE THIRD COMING

There are several defining factors about 'growing older' it seems.  One is that you are no longer the youngest person at work.  By a long shot.  Another is the usual policemen look younger that old chestnut.  And a third is when you suddenly notice someone who has just kind of grown up in the public eye without anyone noticing.  Sean Maguire for example.  He first appeared as Tegs in Grange Hill, a little dwarfy character who was always getting into bovver.  Then he popped up in Eastenders sporting a bizarre Irish accent and hobbling around on a bizzare broken leg.  After that, he vanished.  It seems he has been carving a little career for himself in the US of A, appearing in low budget soaps.  Now he wants to hit the big time with a movie called "Meet the Spartans" which is one of those daft farce rip off things that only appeals to 17 year old straight men.  Or does it?  Hello Sean!

SIGNS OF THE TIMES #3

What does this say about those particular office dwellers?

THEY TRIED TO MAKE HER GO TO REHAB...

....and she said ok just don't drop me.

A BAD DAY FOR STARBUCKS

Don't worry Starbucks, I still love you even if the people at Which think you are shit.  Their report 'Spilling the Beans' (ha ha) published today gives the SB a good thrashing.  They are accused of selling unhealthy drinks which taste crap and cost toomuch.  For example, a Mocha from Starbucks contains a frightening 396 calories and 12% fat, compared to an ordinary black coffee at 17kcal.

Luckily during my trip to London today I only had a skinny cappuccino with sugar free vanilla syrup.  But Which goes on to say that not only are Starbucks coffees unhealthy, they also taste the worst compared to other brands.

Stings a little doesn't it.

THE SUN: WE LOVE IT

Funny how they go from sympathy to scathing in 24 hours.  Vile.

(HIGHLY TENUOUS) CLAIM TO FAME

Now you know I'm not one to namedrop.... and it's not as if Westcliff is throbbing with celebrities.  So, I am no longer able to contain my excitement about the fact that "Ultimate Warrior" Valentino Petrescu trains at my gym!  He's something to do with cage fighting I think.  Anyway, today while rowing 2500km I watched him (stared at him more like) do some fighting stuff with his trainer.  He doesn't look that tough in real life*

Pretty little thing aint he?

*he looks bloody tough and I wouldn't last 3 seconds in the ring with him :)

D'OH! RESULTS ARE IN

Faithful readers will remember my attempt to rent and download the Simpsons Movie from the iTunes Store.  How did it go?  Thanks for asking.  It actually turned into a beautiful story of good customer service.

First, the science part.  Ready?  Good.  

I hadn't realised that transferring the movie from my iMac to my iPhone would automatically remove it from the iMac iTunes library.  Apparently you can only have one physically downloaded copy at any time.  I didn't watch it on my iPhone, and expected it to sync back to my iMac when I connected them up.  No joy.  It sat there, on my iPhone, staring blankly at me.  So I did the stupid thing and pressed 'delete'.  D'oh indeed.  Now I had no physically downloaded copies at all.  My fault for not reading the instructions.

I emailed iTunes customer services to point out that they might want to be a bit clearer with their DRM management policies.  They replied with this:

"I have reversed the charge for this rental which I understand was deleted.  You will see a store credit of $3.99 on your account.  In addition to the refund, I have also issued three song credits to your account.  Please continue to use the iTunes store.  We thank you for being part of the iTunes family and hope you have a great day"

How's that for bollock tighteningly good customer service!  I love iTunes.  I love Apple.  God Bless America.

INSANE BEYOND BELIEF

As if the death of Heath Ledger was not awful enough, I'm finding it hard to make sense of the following:

That craziness is brought to you by the people at www.godhatesfags.com which for all of my life I have been blissfully unaware of until now.  It's a shocking site.  Part of me would love to find it funny and ironic and kitch but actually it's just evil.  Vicious, hate fuelled protests of funerals that makes no sense at all.  Actually it makes perfect sense in one way - it's very cowardly.  Wait until people can't fight back.  Wait until their loved ones are vulnerable and have more important things to worry about.  Sick bastards.  Makes me want to get all revolutionary on their ass. Visit their site, find out what they are all about and then make sure everyone knows what cowardly ignorant people are still at large in the world.  

Expose them.  Bring them into the light.

RIP Heath

Really sad and shocking news about the death of Heath Ledger.  I don't know much about him or his work, but Brokeback Mountain will forever have the title of "the film I cried at more than any other and almost had to leave the cinema" so for that I am always grateful!

Apparently 28 year old Heath took a drug overdose at his home.  So sad.  It makes the whole Amy Winehouse / Britney Spears circuses look even more distasteful.  When you realise that there ARE celebrities out there who have real, hidden problems which end in their suicide, it kind of makes it all a bit more real.  The Sun showing their video of Amy Winehouse "out of concern for her" is such bullshit.  The only interest that rag has is itself.  Heat on its front cover this week has the headline "Britney: 6 months until dead".  If either of those damaged and desperate people ends up in the same way as Heath, those journalists have blood on their hands.

Ok I'm getting a bit Earl Spencer now, but I feel very saddened that someone so talented as Heath has taken his own life and I fear for others who are currently in the spotlight with their own personal mental health issues.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES #2

This feature could have legs!  Check out this beauty on a tree outside my house.

THE TRUE COST OF CRIME

I can't sleep.  It's midnight, and I am really wound up about my car situation.  Here's the story as it unfolded:

Sunday, 13:15

I arrive at Leigh rail station where my car had been parked overnight to find this:

Not good.  

Items stolen: 1 SatNav, 1 iPod (nooooooo not the iPod).  Several people walk past and comment 'bastards' and the like.

14:00 The lovely woman from forensics has arrived 'on the scene' with a van full 

of really cool labels such as 'firearm swabs'.  I don't think taking fingerprints off my Spice Girls keyring was quite so exciting.  Gave me a nice bit of paper bag to sit on so I didn't get glass in my bum on the way home.

15:00 back at home.  Phone the car people for advice on what the hell to do.  They will get someone from RAC windows on the case and call me back ASAP.  We're rocking now.

15:30 The 'Solutions Team' from RAC calls to say that they have allocated the job and someone will be in touch ASAP with more details on when the car will be made secure.

16:o0  The 'Solutions Team' calls back to say sorry but they are fully booked and unable to provide me with a solution today.

16:05 Call the car people to advice them of the 'solution'.  They tell me the car will have to be made secure or 'recovered'.  AA has now been put on the case.  Woo hoo!

17:00  Man from AA turns up in a transit van.  Not sure why.  He is not sure why.  He cuts up a carrier bag and sticks it over the broken window.  The car is still not secure.  He calls his people, I call my people. We are both advised to await further instructions.  We wait.  He declines my offer of a cup of tea.  

17:25  Man from AA tells me he can't do anything to help, but also can't leave until the job is finished.  We eyeball each other suspiciously.  The car people tell me that the AA people are useless.  His yellow lights have been flashing in the street non-stop.  Several neighbours have come out to stare.

18:30  Man from AA has been sitting in his van outside doing nothing for 90 minutes.  I hope nobody needs rescuing from the hard shoulder of a motorway.  Finally gets authorisation from his people to leave.  We part on frosty terms.

19:00 Car people call (lovely Sally) to say a proper truck is coming, with a real man who can take my car away.  Hurrah for Sally.  She is nice, but assertive.  I imagine her looking a bit like Sally James from Tizwas.

19:30  Real Man from AA calls to say he will be here in 10 minutes.  Asks me where my car is being taken to.  I say I have no idea.  Asks me who will sign for the car when he drops it wherever it is going.  I say I have no idea.  He puts the phone down on me without saying goodbye.  Like a bloke would.

20:30 Real Man from AA has obviously done a bunk or this is the longest 10 minutes in the world.  Call car people.  They have been informed by AA that car is on its way to wherever it was going.  Lies.  I confirm car is still outside.  Sally not at her desk.  Probably hanging herself in the toilet.

20:45 Car people call back.  This time they absolutely promise that a right proper MAN from AA is coming.  Will be here within the hour.  Geezer.

21:30  MAN, real MAN, proper big butch MAN from AA arrives wi

th MASSIVE TRUCK with LIGHTS and sirens and FLASHING LIGHTS.  I note at least 6 sets of twitching curtains.  2 neighbours come out to watch.  BUTCH MAN's truck is SO BIG it has blocked the road.  Lone man on moped sits waiting behind.  Car is loaded onto BIG TRUCK.  Finally on its way to destination unknown.  

Tune in tomorrow to find out....

Where has the car gone?

Will it be repaired?

Will I get it back?

Were my possessions insured?

How long will I be able to wait before I buy a new iPod?

Will I ever get some sleep or will I spend the night grinding my teeth but secretly feeling pleased that my SatNav is PIN protected.  Ha.  Bastards.

:-(

It's not been a very good week for my little car.

HAIR BY HELEN KELLER

Check out the gorgeous and natural looking extensions spotted at West
Ham station.

28 DAYS LATER

London: Bank station on a Saturday.
Creepy isn't it!

D'OH! WOAH!

I've just rented my first 'movie' from iTunes.  I'll let you know how it all works once I've played about with it.  $3.99 for 24 hours.  Playable on iPhone, iPod, Mac & Apple TV.  

Very, very cool.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES #1

I do love a good bureaucratic sign.  You know the kind that makes you feel about 3 years old.  For some reason, lots of them seem to be found in toilets and are usually the ones written in a nagging voice.  Like this for instance, found at the HQ of Job Centre + in Cambridge.

Does anyone have a sign like this in their toilet at home?  No?  Why not?  Is it because we're not fucking stupid?  Things like this really wind me up.  I hate being lectured by an anonymous voice hiding behind a bold font and/or underlining.  It's time to name, shame and stop the madness.  

Post your examples.... let's have a competition!

MMMM NEW TECHNOLOGY

I have just received my new Asus EeePC today.  It rocks!  Here it is in comparison to the iPhone so you can see just how small it is!  Full review to come later.  

CLAMPED!

Tonight, at the tender age of 34, I had my first clamping experience.  I lost my clamp cherry. It was over very quickly and it cost £150.  At least the man who did it was quite nice looking.

MOBLOG

I love technology and the Internet but even I have to admit that my
digital life is becoming a bit ovwrwhelming. Right now, for example, I
am sitting in Starbucks blogging via email on my iPhone. I spent my
time on the train journey checking Facebook and watcing Family Guy. I
downloaded an album from iTunes straight to my phone. I love all of
this. I absolutely love it. But now and again I just think "woahhhhh"
how did this happen? When did all this stuff change?

For me its definitely a case of boiling frogs. Or blogs.

Sent from my iPhone

MACWORLD GEEK SPLAT

Ok it's a few hours since the Apple conference and keynote in San Fransisco, and the world is starting to go back to normal.  The reality distortion field is fading, the geeks are tiring themselves out, and the people over at Microsoft are warming up the hemlock.  So what happened?

Well first there were a few mini, kind of important-ish announcements.

Nice name!  Time Capsule.  Space Age!  Hover cars!  Wow!  What's it all about then?  It's actually a fantastic little product, but feels like it's aimed at people who are new to all this.  It's a wireless router with a built in hard-drive which automatically backs up everything on your home network.  Clever!  I would love something like this, but as I already have the Apple Airport Router and 2 external hard-drives it does seem a bit lily gilding for me.  Nice though.

Ahh finally.  Be still my beating heart, it's 

the iPhone 1.1.3 update.  The reason for selling my soul to o2 was the fact that my previous hacked iPhone could never be updated.  It would never change, like a mewling vampire

 child.  So now I take great pleasure in updating to the new firware like a good little fanboy!  This upgrade adds GPS (ish) to the maps application, customisable icons, multiple SMS.... all free.  I love the iPhone

 and in almost 8 months of owning one I am still not bored.  

Ahhh Apple TV.  What was only weeks ago heading towards the bin marked 'Newton', it looks like Apple TV has just been given a shot of adrenaline and a quick free makeover from Benefit.  It's the same on the outside, but totally revamped on the inside.  Bigger hard-drive, direct purchasing from iTunes, film rentals, Flickr streaming... it's all here!  I'm so glad I have one.  Shame this newly upgraded better model is even cheaper than the version 1.0 I bought!  That's Mac life.

And then the money shot.  

Thinnovation.

World's thinnest notebook.

Ladies and Gentlemen..

MacBook Air.

Now this isn't really a surprise, as the rumour sites have been going on about a sub-notebook for months, and some uber-geek even found that MacBook Air had been registered as a website domain name lately.  Anyway, that's part of the fun of MacWorld.  So what's this about then?

 

Look!!  It's a laptop in an envelope.  Tee hee!  It's so thin I can see a ring of shame feature in Heat.

I have to say, I was a bit disappointed.  This isn't the laptop I'm looking for.  Take the popularity of the Asus EeePC which has a 7" screen and sells for £200.  You can throw it in your manbag and off you go.  That's what I would like from Apple.  Instead, we got a £1100 laptop which still has a 13" screen so isn't actually that portable because you still need a messenger bag to carry it around.  I certainly wouldn't trust a brown envelope.  Now to be fair this is a beautiful piece of equipment which totally pwns anything that other laptop manufacturers are throwing out.  It's gorgeous.  But on this occasion, it's not for me.  I'm off to order an Asus EeePC and send a letter of apology to Steve Jobs.  

So that's it for another year!  Breathe.  Everything is alright again.  

LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!

I must have missed the email.  When exactly did it become ok to globally humiliate someone who has mental health issues?  It's getting a bit distasteful and disturbing for my liking.

*HRRRRNNNNNKKKKKKKKK*

Oooh!  

Nice.

Shame about the size.

Shame about the price.

I would rather have an Asus EeePC at the moment.

What has happened to me????

More Apple updates soon once all downloading has taken place.

(Apple still rocks)

SQUUUEEAAALLLLL

Be still my beating heart.

Tomorrow, all will be revealed.

HOW'S YOUR MGO?

Apparently a new plague is sweeping America, bringing families to their knees and wiping billions from the economy.  Its name?  MGO.

Male Genital Odo(u)r.

But fear not, ye of smelly bollocks, help is at hand.  Literally.  Go to ismellperfect.com where you see the question we are all afraid to ask: "Why is it, that no matter how much time and effort I put into washing my penis in the shower, I still get that awful whiff or a rancid smell during the day?"

After you have cleared up the vomit, you go on to learn that this is perfectly natural (if you are a skank) and that a quick blast of Nodoro on your wee chap will clear up that unpleasant pong.  It does however say that this product should in no way be ingested, so be careful what you wish for.

SMACK MY BITCH UP

No, faithful followers, this is not fashion.  This is not something straight off the catwalks in 'Milan'.  This is not a trend.  This, is a savage attack.  That's right... a proper little GBH.  And the perp?  None other than Icelandic pixie 'bjonkers' Bjork.  

Almost to the day of the 10th anniversary where she gave that journalist a right good smack, another one has come crawling out of the woodwork crying like a little girl.  Apparently he took a photo of Bjork in New Zealand airport, and she went for him.  

Somehow - don't ask - she managed to get behind him and slash his shirt open before falling to the ground.  Presumably laughing.

It's all a bit strange really, but then that's why we love Bjork!

Big Up the Fry (up)

Not only was Stephen Fry the second person in the UK to ever buy an Apple Computer (Douglas Coupland was the first, fact fans), he also writes a bloody amazing Technology column in The Guardian every weekend.

For uber-nerds only, Mr Fry never fails to amaze with his knowledge of all things geek.  This week he takes on Social Networking and Facebook.  Check it out at www.guardianunlimited.co.uk