WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING

I resisted buying Christopher Ciccone's "Life with my sister Madonna" partly because I knew it would be trash but also because I don't really find time to sit down and read books any more. However, as soon as I saw it had been released as an audiobook I was downloading it faster than a vicious insult from a scorned family member. At only 5 hours long it's not exactly Lord of the Rings (although that could be an alternative title fnar fnar) so I managed to get through it in two return journeys to work. My verdict? Hold out your right hand and waggle your thumb and pinky. That's the one. Mediocre. Borderline (ha ha). It's written in a strange style, almost like a journal but in present tense so everything is 'I am' and 'I say' which makes it kind of difficult to follow when it's being read by Christopher himself. He has a low, growly voice which is really monotonous and pretty hard to get excited about.

What did I learn? About Madonna, not much. It pretty much confirms everything that people believe anyway: she's a control freak, she exploits people, she has used people to get where she is. Ok. Next. The allegations of Guy Richie's rampant homophobia are shocking but not surprising. The two things that shocked me most of all about the book were kind of nothing to do with Madonna really. One was that no matter how badly he is treated by her, Christopher always forgives her and goes back for more, then complains that he went back for more. Victim. He throws scorn on Madonna for surrounding herself with sycophants and yes-men, while simultaneously saying "I go to see Dick Tracy. It's awful and Madonna is terrible in it but I tell her I love it and she's great because that's what she wants to hear". Right.

However, the thing I will remember most about the book and my absolute favourite revelation is about Donatella Versace. Apparently, her Marlboros come directly from the factory in customised, Versace designed fag packets. Smoking Kills is replaced with a stylised DV logo. Brilliant!! It just says so much about the totally crazy and nonsensical world inhabited by celebrities.

In the UK we tend to forget that American celebrities are a breed of their own. They only mingle with each other and they only go out with each other. That's why it's such a scandal when Britney shags a nobody. How many other US Celeb couples can you name who aren't both famous? Its almost surreal when Christopher talks about Naomi, Demi, Sting, Kate, Gwyneth, Courtney... like no real people ever come into his sightlines. I guess that's probably why he felt, and still feels, like such an outsider.

I feel a bit sorry for him not just because he is so broke that a 'tell all' book is his only option, but that the tell-all book has actually already been told before, by people who say it so much better.